I am turning into a pariah.
Okay, okay, it's not all that harsh, but I'm the last of a dying breed. In certain circles, I'm an anomaly. (I have to admit, most of my closest friends are married and many of them have children. And good for them! I'm a little envious!) The other day, someone older told me that I need to date everyone and anyone, because time is of the essence.
What in the what? Are you for serious?
Just because I want to find a partner doesn't mean I shouldn't have standards. It certainly doesn't mean I should go out on date with someone I don't want to - if I did that my dance card would be full of old, hairy men and young guys with no job and a really bad McDonald's habit. There must be dealbreakers. That comment drove me to compile a list of my 'dealbreakers.'
I will probably not date you if:
- You aren't close with your family, for no good reason.
- You are too close with your family.
- You are void of personality.
- See also: a sense of humor
- You smell like day old bread, rotting garbage, and/or like you haven't showered since 9th grade.
- You bear any resemblance to the lead singer of Nickleback, my father or any of the members of One Direction.
- You listen to and like Nickleback and/or Creed and/or any other type of grandpa rock.
- You don't get my references to not-so-obscure 80's movie - this probably means you are too young to date me.
- You wear white tennis shoes.
- See also: skinny jeans.
- See also: cowboy hats, if you are not a cowboy.
- See also: eyeliner, if you are not a rock star.
- See also: tapered jeans.
- See also: jeans with overly embroidered pockets.
- See also: women's clothing.
- You use more skin products than I. (Nearly impossible, so I'm giving a wide berth here.)
- You are rude, disrespectful or otherwise in need of an etiquette class.
- You have dated anyone I know for longer than 3 months.
- You have multiple children by a variety of women.
- You do not laugh at my jokes. I am funny. You should laugh.
- You cyberstalk me.
- You quote me...to me.
~j
