The Guy Who Said I Love You...After An Hour

*Preface: TO ALL MY YOUNG READERS: CONSIDER THIS A CAUTIONARY TALE! DON'T DRINK!  Well, you shouldn't be drinking anyway, but you get the point.*

A few weeks ago, I had a much needed girls' night with some of my favorite ladies.  We went and painted at one of those 'have a glass (or seven) of wine and paint this *insert inanimate object here*' places, which was surprisingly fun.  Afterward, we headed to a place where we could karaoke.  It was turning out to be a frightfully normal night.

Cut to a couple of hours into our outing - scene opens on me sitting at a table with one of the girls, making fun of people and generally minding my own business.  Another girl has stopped and is talking to a few of the other patrons; one of those patrons happens to be Drunky McGee, the hero out our story.  Drunky McGee, the skinny, dorky, obviously intoxicated guy who hit on me.  Drunky McGee, the poor soul who has gone down in my personal history as the guy who said 'I Love You,' after knowing me for a nanosecond.

When I hang out with my friends, I'm silly and loud.  I laugh a lot.  I talk to strangers in accents.  I have a fun time.  That means I usually strike up a conversation with people who approach me - you never know who you're going to meet!  (What is that old saying?  Everyone's a stranger until you meet them?  I live by that.)  So, when Drunky McGee sidled up to me and start to chat, I didn't think anything of it.  Until he grabbed my hand and started holding it.

I should have run away right then, but I didn't.  I chalked it up to the guy having a few too many beers, pulled my hand away and jumped up on stage to sing a tragic rendition of 'Lady Marmalade.'  While we were away from the table, a friend of my friends' told Drunky McGee that I had a boyfriend.  Ol' Drunky accosted me when I headed to the restroom and asked me if it was true.  I confirmed his suspicions.  He teared up.  HE ACTUALLY TEARED UP.  He went back to his table and I went on to the restroom where some girl told me all about her issues.  (It was a fun night, all around.)

Then it gets interesting - he stopped me while I was walking back to my table and said he didn't believe me.  He couldn't believe me.  I was lying!  He knew he was supposed to meet me and I was 'pushing' him away.  I kept trying to leave and he kept grabbing my arm.  (Internal dialogue: Oh Lawd, what have I gotten myself into now?)  I told him to ask my friends, but then an idea hit me: I needed to mess with this guy.  I was going to be a little crazy with him, in the hopes that he would run in the opposite direction.

As Drunky was asking my friends if I was in a relationship, they responded with a 'yes,' until I gave them a weird look.  One of them stuttered and stopped, saying something like, "Well, she did last week, so unless something happened..." 

That segue lead me perfectly into my best fake-crazy speech of all time.  It was an Oscar worthy soliloquy.  I summoned tears to my eyes and said in a shaky voice: "I'm in love with him, but I CAN'T handle it!  What do you do when you LOOOOOOVE someone so much, but can't come to terms with it?  Maybe I just need to be single! BUT I'm no good single!  I'm a good girlfriend!  I think about him ALL. THE. TIME. But does he think about me?!?!  He's so handsome and wonderful and I'm just awful!  Do you think I'm awful?  Aren't I just the worst??  WAIT! Don't answer that!  I couldn't handle if I disappointed ANOTHER person.  I just don't see why he would like me." 

Then I walked away.

It seemed to work.  Success!  I didn't see him for the rest of the night!  Until we left, that is.

As we were getting ready leave, I feel an arm around me.  It's Drunky, ready to talk.  He leans up to my ear and, well,  here's an excerpt of our (honest-to-God) conversation for your reading pleasure:

Drunky McGee: "Have you ever known that you met someone for a reason?"

Me: "Yes. Most of the time, I'm wrong."    

DM: "Have you ever felt like something is so right?"

Me: "Yeah!  These jeans I have on!  As soon as I put them on, I just knew they'd be my new favorites.  That's about it."

DM: *garbled*

Me: "Huh?"

DM: "I love you."

Me: "Oh, honey. No, no. Oh, you are drunk."

DM: "No, I'm in love with you."

Me: "Oh, honey, you won't even remember this tomorrow."

DM: "Let me come home with you.  I just want to wake up and have you there."

Me: "Oh, sweetie.  Where are your friends? You need to leave.  You need a good sleep."

DM: "I need you."

Luckily, I was saved by another friend who had been talking to Drunky earlier in the night.  I snuck out and haven't seen him since.  I assume he woke up with a raging (and well-deserved) hangover and didn't remember a single thing.

I'm just going to go out on a limb and say I think Drunky McGee had some emotional issues.  I know that alcohol impedes your ability to filter yourself, but it seemed to extended far beyond the regular things I encounter.  I was astounded.  I didn't understand where that even came from; maybe it worked on other girls?  Maybe he was trying to hustle me?  Who knows! 

Honesty moment: I also felt preeeeetty good about myself.  Some dude was all in love with me and whatnot, after just an hour.  *pats self on back*

~j

Getting Whistled At and Other Perils of Being Me

I'm not sure if it's my personality or the fact I have a friendly face or possibly because I humor them, but weird people flock to me.  It's been this way my entire life.  This has gotten me into some awkward, strange and interesting situations over the years.  Odd men have given me some of the best stories ever.  Here are a few strange things that have happened to me in the past month:

• I went to a gas station to by a drink and while I was checking out, the clerk told me I had nice hair and then reached out and touched it and then smelled his hand. Diet Pepsi, I love you, but you are totally not worth hair molestation.
• During a late night stop at Jack In The Box, the cashier told me that he liked my face.  "Well, that's nice," I thought, until he told me I looked like his ex-girlfriend who had put a restraining order out on him.  I did not eat the Breakfast Jack that I ordered from him.
• While at the salon, a man asked me if my hair was my hair.  After I responded with an affirmative, he told me that people pay a LOT of money for hair like mine and started staring menacingly toward my head.  When I left, I literally ran to my car and sped off in case a scalping was imminent.
• I left my phone inside a bowling alley and went back in to retrieve it.  Before I could take 2 steps in, a server was racing toward me at full speed with my phone in his hand.  That wouldn't be so weird, but my sister and cousin had named him "Stranger Danger" because he had been staring at me for the better part of the night.  I had my cousin give him my number, natch.
• At a patio-type place with my friends and random guy came up and asked me if I was a lesbian.  (Sidenote: What a great question to lead with!  I'm going to try that sometime.)  I replied that I wasn't and smiled kindly, politely talked to him for a few minutes and turned away.  He proceed to bite my butt. Yeah, I said it. It was a little funny, but mostly strange.  He also sorta put me in a headlock.  Quality.
• After going on a few sorta dates with a guy, he told me I should follow him on Twitter.  Like any good girl, I went through a bunch of his Tweets.  Interestingly enough, he bragged about having slept with a stripper in the same week as our first interaction.  I no longer follow him.
• A certain friend of a friend sniffs my hair when he goes in for the causal "hi" hug. *Shudder*

These things make me wonder if this is all that is left out there.  Is this what a single girl has to choose from these days?  Hair sniffers, psychos and weirdos?  There has to be some normal-ish guy out there that won't sniff my hair until I want him to - which I won't.  I guess I just need to be patient until he shows up somewhere random, like a Five Guys or in line at Discount Tire.  In the meantime, I am going to bide my time by writing poems about Twix PB bars and sending tweets to famous people.      

Happy Monday!
J