I Choose Flight

Yesterday was just a day. After work, I went and met some friends at this hipster bingo thing that happens in town.  We ate tacos.  We made jokes.  We dobbed our bingo cards. One of us won money.  All regular and unimportant.

Then, as I headed for the bathroom before going home, I saw The Kid.  My eyes got big, I stopped dead in my tracks and my brain ceased to function.  Full bladder be darned, I turned right around and half-ran back to my friends and begged that we exit through a side door to avoid him. 

The Kid is a youngster I went out with a few times, but it didn't work out for reasons too numerous to mention.  (I actually wrote about him, here.)  The thing that stuck with me, though, is how it ended.  We had stopped talking and then he made this big gesture, so I gave him a second chance.  It backfired.  The whole thing ended abruptly and left me with a few hurt feelings.  It was a blight on my impeccable dating record. *cue laugh track*  (I, of course, came out on the other side of it as a winner, because I met Mr. Wild Card a few weeks later.)

I haven't really thought about The Kid in a LONG time and I don't harbor any ill-will or bad feelings toward him, but seeing him standing there threw me into a loop.  The feeling was similar to seeing your teacher outside of school; one of those "but you not supposed to be HERE" kind of thoughts.  In a city of 5+ million, I run into him of all people?  At least I had an escape route and supportive friends.

After I got home, I got a text from a number I didn't know.  *DUN DUN DUMMMM* THE KID! HE TEXTED!  It read something like, "Sorry if that was awkward seeing you tonight. I saw you earlier, but decided not to say hi."  My response? "Well, it was awkward, but it happens. Hope you had fun!"  I was cool, guys!  So what if I had high-tailed it away from him, red-faced? I made up for it with a breezy, no-worries text.  All was good in the land of Jeana.

When I woke up this morning, I had this heavy regret about how I handled the situation.  Why didn't I just give him my goofy, half-crooked, smirky smile and say a "hey" in passing?  It's been nearly a year since I saw him, I'm over the whole thing completely and he was there with someone else, so what would have happened?  I didn't have to have a conversation, but I could've been cordial or more nonchalant.  Instead, I turned on my heel and speed-walked to the other end of the building and left him to be the one to be the bigger person.

Maybe that exact thing is what's causing my remorse: in my mind, he won.  Couldn't he have just acted like he didn't see me, like I was attempting to do?  Oh, no, he couldn't.  He had to apologize for the weirdness, like a nice person. BLESS IT!   What would I have lost by being normal?  Why couldn't I have just sucked it up and lived through the moment of awkwardness and gone on with my life, guilt-free? 

Because I'm a chicken, that's why.

The battle of fight or flight was waged and I fled.

But, I'm ok with that chickenhood.  I think anyone in my position could see the beauty to my plan for avoidance.  Plus there's always a next time, right?  (I take that back. I really hope there isn't a next time.  REALLY HOPE.)

~j

What Is Wrong With You?

(Before I start today's entry can I admit something?  I can?  Good.  When I write these things, I almost always envision myself as Doogie Howser sitting at his early 90's computer, writing his diary.  Just had to get that out there.)

That admission may make what I'm about to say harder for me to defend, but so be it.  The guys I'm running into these days are weird.  And flaky.  And kinda jerky.  And don't realize how awful they sound.  It's a nice guy drought, y'all.  I must be going through the dating version of Death Valley.

Listen, I know I'm a little quirky, but I would consider myself a fairly regular person.  I'm not talking about only drinking almond milk or loving Dr. Who a little too much weird here - I'm talking about strangely acting, hot and cold, utterly unbelievable men. 

I know you're saying to yourself, 'Jeana, it can't be that bad! We know how you like to exaggerate for comedic effect.'  While the latter part is true, the fact remains that I've been surrounded by guys who don't think.  They started off as perfectly nice, interesting guys.  They ended up being good stories I can relate to you, so I guess someone wins here!

The Friend of a Not-So-Close Friend

I had this group of friends I was really close with until some of them moved away.  After the core people left, those of us left drifted apart a bit.  I kept up with everyone on Facebook (read: I stalked them when I was bored), but I never really saw them.  Interestingly enough, I got a random message from a friend of one of these "friends by association" one afternoon.  I knew a little about him, mostly bad stuff to be honest, but I decided to give him a chance because I would want people to do the same for me.  (The lesson here is I'm TOO nice and I should have listened to what people said.)

We started texting occasionally and I found myself a little interested.  One night invited me to hang out and I agreed, even though I had just gone running and looked a hot mess.  I plopped on some deodorant, put back on my work clothes and headed over.  One of his friends happened to show up and relayed some interesting information to me: this guy had just broken up with his girlfriend THAT VERY DAY. So, the whole time he was texting me, he had been dating someone.  Yup.  My feelings weren't hurt or anything, but I did think it was indicative of his character and it was a major turn-off.  Needless to say, I'm not interested in him anymore.

Mr. Chip on His Shoulder

I think the name gives it away, but this guy was so bitter about everything!  The World Series, his work schedule, his old job, his past loves - anything he could have a problem with, he did.  He told me he broke up with his girlfriend, WHO MOVED TO TOWN FOR HIM because he just didn't like her anymore.  I wasn't sure about this guy at all, but, again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.   

Until I heard something that would make me think, where have I gone wrong in this life?  During a quick conversation one morning, he told me that he would maybe "add me to the list of people [he's] spoiling" that was "currently [a list] of two."  I'm sorry?  Were you trying to be cute here or did you actually just tell me that you have other women that you might be dating that you felt the need to inform me of?  I don't care that you're dating around - I mean, I am too - but is it really necessary for you to tell me that information?  No.  And it kinda makes you look like a jerk.

The Kid

I hesitated even writing about this one, because I know he occasionally glances at this, but I'm not going to let his possible reading prevent me from telling you guys.  Around my birthday I went on a few dates with this guy who's a little bit younger than me - hence the nickname "The Kid."  He seemed super nice, was terribly cute and seemed pretty into everything I had going on (although, I can't blame him on that part!).  The day after my birthday, he told me that he felt overwhelmed with our situation (mind you, we'd been on THREE dates) and that he couldn't see me anymore.  Now, this bummed me out, but those were his feelings and I'm not going to try to talk someone into or out of anything.  I just let it go and chalked it up to experience.

I moved on, but a few weeks ago he texted me and told me he had messed up.  I didn't want to be a jerk, so I had lunch with him, skeptical, but I understood where he was coming from.  He seemed to be more sure this time and the whole thing seemed romantic to me.  We started talking and hanging out a little and I was enjoying myself!  And what happened?  He bailed on me again.  He apologized and said he needed to get himself together.  Okay.  <-That was literally my response.  I'm confused on this one.  I'm not sure what happened, but I know it doesn't have to do with me.  And if it does, then I really need to adjust my self-perception.

My Conclusions

1. I must need to learn something, otherwise why would I be meeting these people?
2. I am entirely too nice.
3. I need to have a better filtering system.
4. I should have my friends pick out my dates, because they have to be able to do better than me.

~j