There is this guy I know, who this thing happened to and I thought I'd share it with you.
See, Bill* was chronically single (see also: me, prior to Mr. Wild Card). He is a regular guy with a decent job; there's nothing remarkably wrong with him - I mean, his personality isn't for everyone, but he's not a bad guy. I think it was difficult for Bill to find someone he connected with because of his mildly awkward & peculiar nature, but he kept trying.
To be honest, I envied him a little. Bill took rejection well. When a relationship didn't work out, he wouldn't let it affect him. Faced with the same situation, I would probably lay on the floor in a dark room listening to a Smiths/The Cure remix on repeat and question if love still existed.
He even asked me for advice after hearing that I was attempting online dating for the blog. I happily gave it to him and the next thing I knew, he was in a relationship with someone he seemed to get along with well. I started seeing Mr. Wild Card shortly after that and there we all were, a picture of happiness and contentment.
All I heard were good things about this girl. She made him visibly happy (and much more pleasant). After six months of dating, Bill thought he was in love (well, he probably WAS in love) and decided to propose in a really interesting way, something really specific to her tastes. He even had a ring made in a style she loved that was incredibly unique; no one else would have this ring. I thought it was so sweet how he planned out every detail, how he had tailored it to her tastes. She would HAVE to say yes.
And she did say yes...well, she said yes until she took it back.
I felt horrible when I heard the engagement had ended. He was so excited! He was telling everyone about what he wanted the wedding to be like and how utterly excited he was through with dating. How did this happen? Bill was shattered. WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE PERSON DOES THIS?
She apparently felt like she was too young (SHE'S OLDER THAN ME) to be married and wasn't interested in planning a life with someone right now because she wants to be selfish.
Ick.
Then I remembered something Bill had mentioned in passing the week before the proposal: they hadn't discussed marriage at all. Not even a little. Isn't that something you customarily do before you go to all the effort of an extravagant proposal? He had to have been confident she would say yes, but wouldn't a reasonable person broach the subject beforehand? It was foreshadowing.
(And just so you know, Mr. Wild Card knows I'm heavily in favor and an advocate of marriage.)
I possibly nailed something on the head a bit earlier when I said, "She would HAVE to say yes." See, Bill asked her in front of a crowd of people during a weekend away together. Who would want to say no in a situation like that? She probably felt pressure to say yes. She did later sit down with him, privately, and explain how she couldn't go through with it, simply to save having to have a difficult conversation. It saved her from being unhappy in a marriage she didn't want and, in turn, making Bill unhappy.
This story highlights how important COMMUNICATION is in an relationship. If Bill had brought up the subject of marriage seriously, his girl might have given him some indication that she just wasn't ready to advance down that path. One small conversation may have helped Bill to cool his jets and just enjoy their time together, instead of making a big leap to the marriage question.
So, talk to each other. Ask questions, even the hard ones. Otherwise, you might end up like Bill: alone with a pricey piece of jewelry.
~j
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and their opinion of me.
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