When You Most Expect It

Something that I've over and over again since being re-single is that "love comes when you least expect it."  The more I hear it, the more annoyed I become with the phrase.  Like, REALLY annoyed.   As in, don't ever say that to me or you might get a combo side-eye, duck lip face back at you.  You're meaning to say that if I simply let go (and let God) that love will somehow find me?  *gasp*  Is it that simple?  And here I was, making it ever so complicated.

I don't think this turn of phrase is accurate.  Let me tell you why.

Sure, finding love is can be hard and complicated, but, much like anything you want to be successful at, getting into a successful relationship involves work.  Let's be honest here - you can't just sit on your couch, eat ice cream, watch repeats of all the Real Housewives franchises (i.e. my Monday nights) and expect to find love.  You have to put yourself out there, in whatever capacity that is.  And it doesn't mean there isn't an expectation of love necessarily, it's simply a willingness to allow yourself to believe in love and attempt to experience it. 

So, what does that look like?  Maybe it means you're seeking love out.  Maybe it means that you are going on dates.  Maybe it's putting a profile up on a dating website. Maybe it's letting your friends know that you're ready to meet someone.  Maybe it means that you don't shy away from talking to that cutie across the room. 

Maybe it means you try.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the idea behind the phrase.  If you are constantly looking for someone to fill a void, the right person doesn't seem to appear.  Conversely, if you fill your life with other things like friends, family, or hobbies, you find that you don't need a relationship to feel fulfilled.  Sometimes, love comes in a package you weren't anticipating. That's truth.  

But here's a critical point I feel is missing from this harsh phrase:  I think that with the self-assurance of not needing a partner comes a confidence that is exceedingly attractive.  You're focused on yourself and your happiness - you don't need someone else to provide that for you.  That's sexy.  That takes the pressure off of someone you date.  They see that as a sign of self-reliance and want to be a part of what your already full life.  

What you shouldn't expect is for Cupid to drop the love of your life at your front door.  You shouldn't expect love to come out of every date or every person you meet.  You shouldn't expect love to make you complete.

Love comes when it comes. It can blindside you or you can see it coming right for you.  It's unpredictable - that's why love is so great.

So, go ahead and expect love.  It'll come, if you're ready.

~j  

Hey, Young Girls

My sister turns 25 today.  While we have our similarities, we're pretty opposite in a lot of ways - we look different, we respond to problems differently and we like to do different things.  Those opposing mentalities used to be an issue when we were younger (she tried to kill me by banging my head on our porcelain bathtub when she was 5, but that's another story altogether), but now I've come to admire some of her strengths that I simply don't have.

She is smart (naturally, she is related to me after all), hard-working, funny (not as funny as me though), really pretty (like, seriously pretty...it's a little sickening), determined and a good mom.  Most of all, she is independent and knows what she wants, which is what inspired me to write this blog today.

It seems that young women I speak with from 18-25 don't know what they want and simply date people for the sake of dating.  They put 1,000 pounds of make-up on while wearing 3 inches of clothing and go out to pick up a guy for the night.  Some of these girls are so concerned with getting a boyfriend that they do practically anything to make that happen.  It's sad and a little desperate.  

My sister is different.  She doesn't play games.  She is unconcerned with relationship drama.  She refuses to take nonsense from guys.  She's a straight shooter and isn't afraid to tell you how she really feels.  She's strong.  She doesn't need a guy around for her to feel good about herself.  She even speaks up for me and I'm the older one.  I respect all these things more than I think I've ever said.

I'm usually timid.  I deal with a lot of stuff from guys that my sister wouldn't put up with - she ain't got time for that!  I am always afraid of offending someone, so I tend not to say what I'm really feeling.  I'm always thinking that I'm the one who's not good enough.  I think that there is a lot for me (and all those young girls) to learn from how she acts and reacts in dating.

Thank you, sister, for teaching me all this stuff.  You're the best.

~J

With A Little Help From My Friends

I guess I didn't realize how many of my friends were actually reading this thing, until I started getting comments about some of the things I've written.  I'm grateful (and incredibly surprised)  that anyone wants to spend their time reading my slightly humorous (maybe) and fully embarrassing (totally) musings.  I know that you're sticking around for bad date stories - which I'm sure will come soon enough - or to find out what hijinx I've gotten myself into, but I figured out something that can make this reader/writer relationship mutually beneficial. 

After mulling over the fact that my friends read this blog, I had an epiphany.  Why am I not using my most valuable resource to get dates?  It's right in front of my face.  My friends, gentle reader, are an untapped source of potential dates.  Somebody I know has thought to themselves, "This doctor/lawyer/professor friend of mine is amazing!  He would be perfect for Jeana."  (And if you haven't said that to yourself, then you should start thinking that way.)  I think that I've stumbled onto something that could be great.

I'm ready to go on a date and, possibly, write about it.  That's where my friends come in!  Any one of them might know someone who wants to date a smart, tall, educationally overachieving, loud laughing, curly haired, over-sharing, friendly half-Mexican.  (That's me, by the way.) 

How have I not thought of this before?  Or maybe I have and was just too shy to put it out there.  Either way, it seems like a good idea.  I go on a date and then write a little bit about it, without regard to whether it was the most amazing, life-changing date or the worst, soul-sucking encounter ever.  I've got to have a friend who'll take the bait, er, who'll be sweet and set me up with someone.

So, who's first?

~J

Taylor Swift Teaches Us How NOT To Date

T. Swift pretty much has it made.  She's in the middle of a booming music career, she's young, she's pretty, she's got a good work ethic and she seems really nice.  She's kinda awesome. 

But, Taylor Swift stinks at dating.

Let's really think about it: she's 22 and has had more relationships in the past 4 years than I have had my whole life.  She moves from one guy to another and seems to hitch her heart on everyone one of them, regardless of their level of interest to her.  It's a recipe for disaster.

When you attach yourself so easily and earnestly to every guy that finds you the tiniest bit interesting, you are setting yourself up for major and consistent heartbreak that is unnecessary.  I'm not suggesting that people hold each other at arm's length all the time, but there is something to be said for actually dating someone.  You go out together and get to know each other before making a commitment with your heart.

I won't act like I haven't been guilty of getting too involved too soon, because who hasn't?  I know, however, how to back up a little bit and take it slow.  That, I think, is a crucial thing Taylor hasn't figured out yet.  In fact, she does the complete opposite.  I find her a little smothering.  Exhibit A: SHE BOUGHT A HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER NEW BOYFRIEND.  Awkward.  Who does that?  What if (read: when) you break up?  Are you just going to causally sell the house or will you still go and stay there?  Maybe you'll take your newest boyfriend there to show off to the old one. 

Taylor is famous for taking her heartaches and turning them into songs, like any modern songwriter.  While I can't fault her for that, I find the way that she does it terribly annoying.  There are thinly veiled clues to the men that she's dated in her songs.  And by thinly, I mean direct references to those guys.  There are songs that are named after a particular man.  A CD with a liner that provides hints as to who the song is about.  It's mean.  She's kind of a bully in that way.  Break up with Taylor Swift and you can bet that there will be song written about you in no time.

I'm going out on a limb and say that maybe TS is a little insecure.  She needs a guy in her life to tell her that she's pretty/smart/great/amazing.  I don't know her, of course, but it seems like this is the case.  And she's not alone in this desire - she's just doing it in front of an audience of millions.

I hope that watching how Taylor pretty much fails at dating gives young girls (and adult women, for that matter) pause to think.  You can have everything - fame, money, adoration - and still be unsure about yourself.  That lack of confidence isn't going to be resolved by having a relationship.  You don't have to give your heart away like it's a free pen at a bank.  Not every guy that pays attention to you is worthy of your time.  Your value doesn't come from having the title of girlfriend.  You're every bit as incredible as Taylor Swift is - just don't date like her.

Always Wear Lipstick: Advice From Grandmothers

Both of my grandmothers are insane.  I mean this is a good way, because I think that's where I've inherited my nutty tendencies which make me charming and delightful. (I can hear you scoffing, just keep it to yourselves.)  I've gotten some sage advice from both of them like, "Work for the city or the government" - Grandma in Georgia, or "Don't forget to wash your underwear in hot water." - Abuelita, aka Burrito.  Pretty insightful stuff, yes?  I think so.

However, these women and other grandmotherly-types have given me some odd dating tips.  Here are a few of my favorites that I have compiled for your reading pleasure:

• Always carry lipstick. Always wear it too.  And, if you're feeling spicy, rub some on your cheeks for blush because "it makes you look like a cherub and you need all the help you can get."
• Don't shave your legs before a first date.  Having freshly shaved legs on a first date makes you look loose.  If you have hairy leg problems, wear stockings.
• Too much makeup makes you look like a jezebel.  Too little makes you look lazy.
• Do not drink beer from a bottle under any circumstances.  It makes you look butch.
• In fact, don't drink beer at all.  It gives you the burps, which is also butch.
• Carry Gas-X with you at all times.  If you have to pass gas and you can't excuse yourself, drop something on the floor and stop to pick it up, then quickly walk away.
• Never eat everything on your plate.  If you need to fill your empty leg, eat a meal before your meal and then you can say "Gosh, I'm SO FULL!" during 2nd lunch/dinner without lying.
• Avoid knowing how to do anything "manly" or being more knowledgeable about sports than he is.  If you know how to change a tire/oil or the ERA of every closer, keep it to yourself, for Pete's sake.  (Addendum: Keep it a secret, at least until you get married.)
• Also, if you play video games, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER admit that.  You are trying to "catch a husband, not a shooting game partner."
• You do not poop.  You do not fart or even "get the vapors."  You do not burp.  You are a delicate flower and you do not heed the call of nature. 
• Never call first.  If he calls, you end the conversation as soon as you can because you are doing something incredibly interesting, even if you are just catching up on Downton Abbey.
• DO NOT laugh your regular laugh with him until you are a couple.  You may giggle, but you shouldn't ever guffaw, snort or boisterously laugh like you normally do.  EVER. 

In short, I should not be myself for at least 3 months.

Happy Thursday!
~j

Not Really Taking My Own Advice

I'm good at giving advice.  I won't say that I'm usually right, but I'm usually right.  But, in fairness, it's totally easily to fix other people's problem, isn't it?  You have distance, aren't emotionally involved and can categorically say what you think without hesitation.  I caution friends to take their time getting serious, to stop fixating on what isn't a problem, to let things run their course, to be themselves.  I have clarity with their issues.  But my own dilemmas?  Not so much.

One of my best friends told me that I wasn't going to be happy with the kind of guy that I'm looking for.  He went on to say that I'm always interested in really conservative guys and those guys aren't interested in me, because I'm not so conservative and I wouldn't be happy with them in the long run.  Whoa.  Could it be true?  I am sabotaging myself?

Now, I'm not a radical or anything, but I'm not uptight either.  I like to be silly, have fun and not take things too seriously.  Guys I usually end up dating are so buttoned up and stoic, they don't understand fun me.  They're missing the best part of my personality - I'm upbeat and goofy, who could not love that, I ask you?  (Answer:  Many, many folks.  Some people are just so touchy.) 

My friend is right, but why couldn't I see that earlier?  If I was looking at someone else in my position, I would tell her to wait and the right person, who not only gets her quirkiness and flair but appreciates it, will come along.  You shouldn't have to fit in a box, meet certain requirements or fill in enough boxes on a checklist to make someone like you, they should like you because you are you. <- Saying that is easy, learning that is the hard part.