Is This Real Life? Why, Yes. Yes, It Is.

I genuinely enjoy Valentine's Day.  I loved it even when I didn't have anyone to call my Valentine.  All the candies and flowers and happiness that float around make me feel full in the typically cold quadrant of my chest where my heart should be.  Maybe it's the optimist (that sometimes comes to visit) in me that makes me all mushy, but I can't help it.  I LOVE love.

And this year, I'm worse.

I'm in a post-Valentine's dreamland, where everything is fluffy bunnies and the world is throwing up rainbows.

The boyfriend (Mr. Wildcard) sent me a spectacular, just right for me, surprise Valentine.  I was speechless.  Okay, okay, maybe not speechless.  I kind of yelped and carried on and was VERY LOUD, but the sentiment was still the same.  Someone cared enough for me to send an incredible, memory-making present.  Basically, Mr. Wildcard hit it out of the park, definitively.

Here is the part where I usually go on and on about how I couldn't believe someone would go out of their way for me, but this year it's different.  I've found someone who loves me the way I should be loved.  Someone who cares for me the same way I do for them.  I appreciate the effort and the thought  behind his gift immensely and I'm wowed, but at the same time I deserve this happiness.

When someone does something nice for us, we sometimes think, "Why? Why would they do that for me?"  That's not the point.  The point is they did it because you're worth it.  When you become concerned with the 'why's' you miss everything that is so great about that moment.  Just sit back and know that they did what they did for you because they probably think you're just as awesome as you think they are.

As much as I talk about how great I am, I don't really rate myself well.  I mean, sure I'm comfortable in lots of situations, smartish, pretty in a Drew Barrymore/goofy face kinda way, tall, subversively comedic, good with strangers, polite, thoughtful, have nice penmanship and about 10,000+ other wonderful things...wait, what was I saying?

In all honesty, I'm always astounded when someone wants to date me.  I don't get it, but the cool part is, I don't have to.  Mr. Wildcard doesn't love me in spite of my dorkiness, disproportionally loud laugh and crooked smile, he kinda loves me because of those things.  And who am I to argue?

Accept the love you're given.  Give the love you feel.

It's as simple as that.

~j

That's How The Cat Was Killed

A few weeks ago, Mr. Wild Card and I got into our first fight.  Wait...let me clarify: by fight, I mean, I yelled at him, he really didn't know what I was mad about and oooooh, was I mad.  This is where you're like, 'Ooh, gurl! What did he do?,' but it's not that simple.  In fact, I kind of had no leg to stand on, when you get down to it.

Here's a Cliff's Notes version of events for you:

We had a great night.  Really, we did.  It was New Years' Eve and we were out with people we liked and everything was perfect.  My heart was exploding in sincere thankfulness that I got to spend such a super evening with someone I was growing to love.  We tweeted our affections to each other.  We kissed at midnight.  We shared the first moments of 2013 together.  It was a good memory-making night.

At the very end of the night, I somehow winded up with possession of his phone.  I mean, he hands me his phone all the time - it wasn't any different than usual.  Now, I'm not a snooper (yes, I know every girl says that, but I really try not to be) and he tells me everything, so I had no reason to be concerned anyway.  I have never felt, not a single time, that he wasn't telling me the truth.   

Anyway, back to the phone: I flipped through his pictures, looking for one we took together, so I could send it to myself and post it to Instagram.  I found it and went to close the phone, when IT happened.  I promise you that it was an accident.  I swear on my cardigan collection, I wasn't looking for anything.

I'm not sure how (my clumsy Yeti fingers are at fault, I'm sure), but I ended up in his text message.  (Hey, hey, it's a common mistake.  Isn't it?  *gulp* Yes, I'm aware of how bad this sounds.) I ended up seeing a message from him to one of his friends and it hurt my feelings.  It wasn't anything too terrible and had been written a really long time before, but it still made me sad and angry.  The problem? I shouldn't have been looking at the messages in the first place.

Let me put this into context for you:  I was reading the things his friend was writing (which was about their relationship) and it was getting interesting.  He was saying super nice things about me and how his family liked me and how I'm so great (I'd go on about all that, but you're already aware of my good points, so I'll move on). I mean, I had to DIG through the messages to get to the bad one.  Like, load the page a few dozen times.  Bad Jeana. So, so bad.

I was like a person possessed.  I couldn't stop.  I'd never had that inclination before and it was a hard realization that I had invaded his privacy.  It didn't matter what he said to his friend, that was between his friend and him and was written in confidence.  I wasn't supposed to see it.  I took things out of context and just railed on him.  It came out of nowhere for him on a night that was otherwise terrific.  I spoiled it because I got nosy.

Now, he's not completely faultless here.  He did something that warranted my anger, but it's almost a Catch 22: I wouldn't have been angry if I didn't let my curiosity be my guide.  The whole thing wouldn't have happened if I has just stepped away from the phone.  I learned a really hard lesson here: the only thing you gain by violating someone's trust is guilt.  Maybe you don't know about something for a reason, a good reason.  Maybe it's saving you some grief and overthinking.  All truths come out eventually, right?

Even from this bump, something good happened: Mr. Wild Card and I got closer.  We worked through it.  He was patient with my hesitation.  He didn't hold my clear invasion of his personal property against me, in fact, he apologized.  He never even got mad.  He had every right to be upset with me going through his stuff, but he chose not to and I'm not sure why.  He's way better at this whole dating thing than I am, obviously.

Everyone, no matter how much they usually aren't, can be nosy.  They can go past their typical boundaries and be a snoop.  And then there are other people who are just snooptacular.  They are like private investigators.  Either way, you've got to fight that feeling. You've got to understand that if you're supposed to know something, you'll be told eventually.  You've got to let trust rule.  A relationship just isn't going to work otherwise.

I've learned my lesson and hopefully you've learned from it too.

~J

The Let-Down

I've got to be honest, the past two weeks have been chock full of bummers and gnarly happenings.  It just seems like when I think the bad stuff is done, it starts anew.  I know I'm not the only one to feel this way either.  Putting it in perspective though, it's not half of what some people have to deal with and I should be grateful for that.  Right?  Right.  I just need to get over the hump.

The good news is I've learned a few things and I'm feeling pretty good about life.  The only thing that remains on my plate?  Having to have a real, actual conversation with someone about how I'm not interested in dating them.

I've tried dropping hints, talked about going on other dates, referred to him as a friend and nothing has dissuaded him. (Now, I can't blame him for that, of course. It is ME he's going after.)  I've never been in this situation before.  I'm not even sure where to start.  How do you say something like to someone?

Here's a little background about the situation without giving too much away:

He's a friend of a friend and he's really, incredibly nice.  Like REALLY nice.  He's successful, is stable and is pretty fun to be around.  We had been talking, but I never got the inclination that he was interested in me in that way.  (I was totally fine with that, by the way, because I wasn't really attracted to him.)  It wasn't until last week when we hung out that I got the feeling he would like to hang out as more than friends.  The clue?, I can hear you ask.  Oh, just the fact he kept giving me little touches. And HE TRIED TO KISS ME.  I did a quick side-step, side-hug move that prevented him from the bullseye (i.e. my face), but it was a close one kids.  Too close.

I know what you're thinking - Jeana, you said he was nice!  He has a great job!  And a house!  Well, gentle reader, that means bupkis if you aren't romantically interested in the person.  It really is too bad, but that is the way it is.  I really tried to see myself with this guy and just couldn't.  It's the classic 'good on paper' scenario: he's fantastic and perfect in list form, but he's just not my person. 

While I would just like to pretend this issue isn't really an issue, the fact remains I have to say something.  It's unkind not to at this point.  I don't want him to feel like he's been led on (something I am NOT doing) and I definitely don't want him to waste his time.  I really do want to be friends with this guy and that can't happen if I keep letting this drag out. 

These days, it seems like we just let situations like this just drag on and on.  There's a way to tell someone that you just aren't interested without being callous or uncaring. 

But it's not just that fear of having to have a conversation about real stuff that prevents us from talking about it, is it?  No, it isn't.  We also like the attention, even if it's from the wrong person.  It's nice having someone pay you a compliment, it boosts your ego a little to know that someone out there wants you.  It's natural to like that, but at some point it's cruel.

I don't want to be mean, but I don't want to hide behind the idea that telling him he's barking up the wrong tree is unkind.  (I'll probably phrase that differently, just FYI.)  This non-confrontational gal is going to have to buck up and be totally honest.  I think I'm going to say exactly what I would want someone to say to me.  I also think I'll probably want to throw up.  Sure, it may be uncomfortable for me, but in the long run it's better that I'm just forthcoming. 

Wish me luck.
~j

Taylor Swift Teaches Us How NOT To Date

T. Swift pretty much has it made.  She's in the middle of a booming music career, she's young, she's pretty, she's got a good work ethic and she seems really nice.  She's kinda awesome. 

But, Taylor Swift stinks at dating.

Let's really think about it: she's 22 and has had more relationships in the past 4 years than I have had my whole life.  She moves from one guy to another and seems to hitch her heart on everyone one of them, regardless of their level of interest to her.  It's a recipe for disaster.

When you attach yourself so easily and earnestly to every guy that finds you the tiniest bit interesting, you are setting yourself up for major and consistent heartbreak that is unnecessary.  I'm not suggesting that people hold each other at arm's length all the time, but there is something to be said for actually dating someone.  You go out together and get to know each other before making a commitment with your heart.

I won't act like I haven't been guilty of getting too involved too soon, because who hasn't?  I know, however, how to back up a little bit and take it slow.  That, I think, is a crucial thing Taylor hasn't figured out yet.  In fact, she does the complete opposite.  I find her a little smothering.  Exhibit A: SHE BOUGHT A HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER NEW BOYFRIEND.  Awkward.  Who does that?  What if (read: when) you break up?  Are you just going to causally sell the house or will you still go and stay there?  Maybe you'll take your newest boyfriend there to show off to the old one. 

Taylor is famous for taking her heartaches and turning them into songs, like any modern songwriter.  While I can't fault her for that, I find the way that she does it terribly annoying.  There are thinly veiled clues to the men that she's dated in her songs.  And by thinly, I mean direct references to those guys.  There are songs that are named after a particular man.  A CD with a liner that provides hints as to who the song is about.  It's mean.  She's kind of a bully in that way.  Break up with Taylor Swift and you can bet that there will be song written about you in no time.

I'm going out on a limb and say that maybe TS is a little insecure.  She needs a guy in her life to tell her that she's pretty/smart/great/amazing.  I don't know her, of course, but it seems like this is the case.  And she's not alone in this desire - she's just doing it in front of an audience of millions.

I hope that watching how Taylor pretty much fails at dating gives young girls (and adult women, for that matter) pause to think.  You can have everything - fame, money, adoration - and still be unsure about yourself.  That lack of confidence isn't going to be resolved by having a relationship.  You don't have to give your heart away like it's a free pen at a bank.  Not every guy that pays attention to you is worthy of your time.  Your value doesn't come from having the title of girlfriend.  You're every bit as incredible as Taylor Swift is - just don't date like her.

Alone Again, Naturally

Well, I've been meaning to update this blog for a while and now is the perfect time to do it, because Mr. Wonderful and I are no longer dating.

Yes, I'm single again friends.  And, surprisingly, I'm okay with that.  Seriously.

Mr. Wonderful is still wonderful, nothing changed there, but he wanted to move on.  Am I sad about that?  Sure - if it were up to me I would still date him, but that's not how it is.  This is real life and things don't always work out the way you thought they might.  I'm not going to act like I didn't make some mistakes, because I did, but at least I have the opportunity to learn from them.  It was a great summer and I met someone amazing.  I can't complain about that.

The great thing is that Mr. Wonderful reminded me that there are people out there who are crazy compatible with me.  People that get my personality, that are just as interested in music, movies and pop culture as I am, that appreciate my wacky sense of humor.  That fact is incredibly heartening. I guess I knew that all along, but I started and ended this minor relationship with him so unsure of myself and it wasn't until he officially ended things that I was able to see that.

Now, not everything about the situation was perfect, so I'm not trying to set this whole summer romance as "the one that got away," but it was a good experience.  I am usually methodical and cautious, but, this time, I took a chance.  I'm grateful for the time Mr. Wonderful and I had together.  The end result isn't ideal, but God has given me a spirit of hope and I can't really ask for much more than that. 

The other good news?  The blog is back in full force.  You're welcome in advance.

~j

You're Not Who I Thought You Were

Like many other single neurotic women my age, reflecting on past relationships is one of my  favorite pastimes.  It's our baseball.  I go over critical moments and try to break them down to figure out what went wrong, piece by piece.  Maybe I was wrong to be so stubborn.  Could I have been more understanding?  Was it the fact that he was a complete and total jerkface?

I always end up coming back to the fact that it didn't work out because the person wasn't who I thought they were and, therefore, we weren't going to work.  Maybe we weren't as similar as I thought we were or they actually hated my horrendous laugh instead of feeling it was endearing or they like Kirsten Dunst movies and our relationship wasn't strong enough to overcome that.  That's the point of dating - to figure out of this is the person for you.  (Let me tell you, if you listen to Nickleback or aren't supportive of my Diet Pepsi addiction, we have no staying power, no matter how awesome you may appear to be.)

We didn't last because they were different than I thought they were going to be.  They aren't what I thought they were.

But really, how true is that?  I've never dated anyone who downplayed their faults, so where is the disconnect?   

In talking to one of my best friends, I came across the idea that maybe the problem comes from trying to be understanding.  You build a connection with someone and grow to care for them, so the first time that you see them be a little rude to someone or commit some other minor infraction, you overlook it as long as it isn't a major dealbreaker.  You spend more time with them, start to love them and then when you see something else that make you think, "Hmmm...I'm not sure about that," but you overlook that too, because you are in love.

Then you overlook the next thing and the next and the next, then when a HUGE problem comes along, a giant RED FLAG (*Warning! Warning! Danger ahead!*), you're so deep into the relationship you let it go because you're enmeshed.  You overlooked one issue, so what is one more?  You don't want to lose this person because you've grown attached to them, even though you can see it isn't going to end well.  They aren't the person for you, but you aren't ready to hear that yet. 

It isn't that they've changed, it's that you let so many things you have a problem with slide.  Instead of guarding and protecting your heart (Copyright: Crazy Kasey Kahl), you jumped in and forgave things you wouldn't have otherwise because your feelings were so involved.

I'm not saying that forgiving some faults is bad, in fact, it's crucial.  What I am saying is that if someone you are dating does something that is an affront to you, it's okay to end it.  It's okay to be careful.  It's okay to fast-forward a little bit and realize that you're boyfriend's habit of not texting back, inability to say thank you or refusal to tip more than 8% will be a problem you just can't get over.  It's okay to see that the person you love right now isn't necessarily the person that you're going to marry.

It's okay to end a dating relationship if you want.  Don't be scared about it; if that person isn't for you that's not going to change because you overlook one thing or forgive another.  It's just not.  Keep looking - instead of staying with a person who annoys you, look for the person whose annoying tendencies are just a part of their charm.  They're out there.

~j