There is this guy I know, who this thing happened to and I thought I'd share it with you.
See, Bill* was chronically single (see also: me, prior to Mr. Wild Card). He is a regular guy with a decent job; there's nothing remarkably wrong with him - I mean, his personality isn't for everyone, but he's not a bad guy. I think it was difficult for Bill to find someone he connected with because of his mildly awkward & peculiar nature, but he kept trying.
To be honest, I envied him a little. Bill took rejection well. When a relationship didn't work out, he wouldn't let it affect him. Faced with the same situation, I would probably lay on the floor in a dark room listening to a Smiths/The Cure remix on repeat and question if love still existed.
He even asked me for advice after hearing that I was attempting online dating for the blog. I happily gave it to him and the next thing I knew, he was in a relationship with someone he seemed to get along with well. I started seeing Mr. Wild Card shortly after that and there we all were, a picture of happiness and contentment.
All I heard were good things about this girl. She made him visibly happy (and much more pleasant). After six months of dating, Bill thought he was in love (well, he probably WAS in love) and decided to propose in a really interesting way, something really specific to her tastes. He even had a ring made in a style she loved that was incredibly unique; no one else would have this ring. I thought it was so sweet how he planned out every detail, how he had tailored it to her tastes. She would HAVE to say yes.
And she did say yes...well, she said yes until she took it back.
I felt horrible when I heard the engagement had ended. He was so excited! He was telling everyone about what he wanted the wedding to be like and how utterly excited he was through with dating. How did this happen? Bill was shattered. WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE PERSON DOES THIS?
She apparently felt like she was too young (SHE'S OLDER THAN ME) to be married and wasn't interested in planning a life with someone right now because she wants to be selfish.
Ick.
Then I remembered something Bill had mentioned in passing the week before the proposal: they hadn't discussed marriage at all. Not even a little. Isn't that something you customarily do before you go to all the effort of an extravagant proposal? He had to have been confident she would say yes, but wouldn't a reasonable person broach the subject beforehand? It was foreshadowing.
(And just so you know, Mr. Wild Card knows I'm heavily in favor and an advocate of marriage.)
I possibly nailed something on the head a bit earlier when I said, "She would HAVE to say yes." See, Bill asked her in front of a crowd of people during a weekend away together. Who would want to say no in a situation like that? She probably felt pressure to say yes. She did later sit down with him, privately, and explain how she couldn't go through with it, simply to save having to have a difficult conversation. It saved her from being unhappy in a marriage she didn't want and, in turn, making Bill unhappy.
This story highlights how important COMMUNICATION is in an relationship. If Bill had brought up the subject of marriage seriously, his girl might have given him some indication that she just wasn't ready to advance down that path. One small conversation may have helped Bill to cool his jets and just enjoy their time together, instead of making a big leap to the marriage question.
So, talk to each other. Ask questions, even the hard ones. Otherwise, you might end up like Bill: alone with a pricey piece of jewelry.
~j
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and their opinion of me.
Showing posts with label red flags. Show all posts
Showing posts with label red flags. Show all posts
Monday, August 5, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Books Covers: Getting Judged By Me Since 1982
Wow - I almost forgot that I had a blog for a second! Actually, that's a lie. I get reminded at least once a week that I have taken what appears to be a blogging sabbatical and that I'm not keeping true to my "one entry a week" agreement. My apologizes. I've been busy happy (and popular and awesome and, duh, humble) and I've been neglecting you, gentle reader.
(Here's a quick recap of my life: everything is pretty great. Work is good, family is good, friends are good, the bf is good, my social networking is good. Life is, well, good. Everything is aligning. I've, literally, got nothing much to complain about. I like it that way.)
In thinking about what I wanted to cover in today's entry, I remembered a friend of mine - we'll call him Dating Dan - who just went on a date this weekend. The date was, by all circumstantial evidence, set up to be perfectly romantic. The problem? He just wasn't into his date. Like, at all.
While I'll leave the details of the date for another entry (suspenseful and totally annoying, I know), the fact was that Dan called me and told me that he was worried about his date before it actually happened. There was an impending sense of doom surrounding the date, not just the typical butterflies. Dan had been talking to this person for a few weeks before they actually met and got to know his date fairly well. He related to me that he was just not sure about how it would work out.
Dan told me his what concerns were and I pushed them off to the side, encouraging him to just go out with this person who was obviously interested in him and see what happens. Why did I do this? It wasn't just because I wanted one of my friends to go on a date, but it was because I didn't want to be judgmental.
You see, I'm so bad about making snap decisions about people that I'm making a conscious effort to do just the opposite. I mean, thinking about the first date with Mr. Wild Card, I would have never thought I would end up dating him in the long run. (I think I even tweeted about the fact that he may or may not have drank a little too much? Sorry about that one, Mr. WC!) I really thought I would just have one or two dates with him and nothing much would amount from it. I was definitely wrong. I didn't want the same thing to happen to Dan! I didn't want him to lose out on a potentially great person because of a few awkward phone conversations.
Even though I told him to go out and enjoy himself, inside I was screaming - 'Don't waste your time! You already kind of hate this person! Don't waste their time! They sound like such an annoying person! Seriously, they are going to bother me. I don't want to have to hang out with an annoying person! And if you date them, I'll have to! Think about me!'
But I didn't say that, because I wanted to give Dan an opportunity at finding romance with someone he might have overlooked.
I was wrong.
The moral here: always go with your instincts. Dan gave his date a fighting chance, but he just wasn't feeling it. He knew that he prior to the date, but went anyway, on my advice.
I guess I should go back to judging people - after all, it just feels right.
~J
(Here's a quick recap of my life: everything is pretty great. Work is good, family is good, friends are good, the bf is good, my social networking is good. Life is, well, good. Everything is aligning. I've, literally, got nothing much to complain about. I like it that way.)
In thinking about what I wanted to cover in today's entry, I remembered a friend of mine - we'll call him Dating Dan - who just went on a date this weekend. The date was, by all circumstantial evidence, set up to be perfectly romantic. The problem? He just wasn't into his date. Like, at all.
While I'll leave the details of the date for another entry (suspenseful and totally annoying, I know), the fact was that Dan called me and told me that he was worried about his date before it actually happened. There was an impending sense of doom surrounding the date, not just the typical butterflies. Dan had been talking to this person for a few weeks before they actually met and got to know his date fairly well. He related to me that he was just not sure about how it would work out.
Dan told me his what concerns were and I pushed them off to the side, encouraging him to just go out with this person who was obviously interested in him and see what happens. Why did I do this? It wasn't just because I wanted one of my friends to go on a date, but it was because I didn't want to be judgmental.
You see, I'm so bad about making snap decisions about people that I'm making a conscious effort to do just the opposite. I mean, thinking about the first date with Mr. Wild Card, I would have never thought I would end up dating him in the long run. (I think I even tweeted about the fact that he may or may not have drank a little too much? Sorry about that one, Mr. WC!) I really thought I would just have one or two dates with him and nothing much would amount from it. I was definitely wrong. I didn't want the same thing to happen to Dan! I didn't want him to lose out on a potentially great person because of a few awkward phone conversations.
Even though I told him to go out and enjoy himself, inside I was screaming - 'Don't waste your time! You already kind of hate this person! Don't waste their time! They sound like such an annoying person! Seriously, they are going to bother me. I don't want to have to hang out with an annoying person! And if you date them, I'll have to! Think about me!'
But I didn't say that, because I wanted to give Dan an opportunity at finding romance with someone he might have overlooked.
I was wrong.
The moral here: always go with your instincts. Dan gave his date a fighting chance, but he just wasn't feeling it. He knew that he prior to the date, but went anyway, on my advice.
I guess I should go back to judging people - after all, it just feels right.
~J
Monday, May 21, 2012
You're Not Who I Thought You Were
Like many other single neurotic women my age, reflecting on past relationships is one of my favorite pastimes. It's our baseball. I go over critical moments and try to break them down to figure out what went wrong, piece by piece. Maybe I was wrong to be so stubborn. Could I have been more understanding? Was it the fact that he was a complete and total jerkface?
I always end up coming back to the fact that it didn't work out because the person wasn't who I thought they were and, therefore, we weren't going to work. Maybe we weren't as similar as I thought we were or they actually hated my horrendous laugh instead of feeling it was endearing or they like Kirsten Dunst movies and our relationship wasn't strong enough to overcome that. That's the point of dating - to figure out of this is the person for you. (Let me tell you, if you listen to Nickleback or aren't supportive of my Diet Pepsi addiction, we have no staying power, no matter how awesome you may appear to be.)
We didn't last because they were different than I thought they were going to be. They aren't what I thought they were.
But really, how true is that? I've never dated anyone who downplayed their faults, so where is the disconnect?
In talking to one of my best friends, I came across the idea that maybe the problem comes from trying to be understanding. You build a connection with someone and grow to care for them, so the first time that you see them be a little rude to someone or commit some other minor infraction, you overlook it as long as it isn't a major dealbreaker. You spend more time with them, start to love them and then when you see something else that make you think, "Hmmm...I'm not sure about that," but you overlook that too, because you are in love.
Then you overlook the next thing and the next and the next, then when a HUGE problem comes along, a giant RED FLAG (*Warning! Warning! Danger ahead!*), you're so deep into the relationship you let it go because you're enmeshed. You overlooked one issue, so what is one more? You don't want to lose this person because you've grown attached to them, even though you can see it isn't going to end well. They aren't the person for you, but you aren't ready to hear that yet.
It isn't that they've changed, it's that you let so many things you have a problem with slide. Instead of guarding and protecting your heart (Copyright: Crazy Kasey Kahl), you jumped in and forgave things you wouldn't have otherwise because your feelings were so involved.
I'm not saying that forgiving some faults is bad, in fact, it's crucial. What I am saying is that if someone you are dating does something that is an affront to you, it's okay to end it. It's okay to be careful. It's okay to fast-forward a little bit and realize that you're boyfriend's habit of not texting back, inability to say thank you or refusal to tip more than 8% will be a problem you just can't get over. It's okay to see that the person you love right now isn't necessarily the person that you're going to marry.
It's okay to end a dating relationship if you want. Don't be scared about it; if that person isn't for you that's not going to change because you overlook one thing or forgive another. It's just not. Keep looking - instead of staying with a person who annoys you, look for the person whose annoying tendencies are just a part of their charm. They're out there.
~j
I always end up coming back to the fact that it didn't work out because the person wasn't who I thought they were and, therefore, we weren't going to work. Maybe we weren't as similar as I thought we were or they actually hated my horrendous laugh instead of feeling it was endearing or they like Kirsten Dunst movies and our relationship wasn't strong enough to overcome that. That's the point of dating - to figure out of this is the person for you. (Let me tell you, if you listen to Nickleback or aren't supportive of my Diet Pepsi addiction, we have no staying power, no matter how awesome you may appear to be.)
We didn't last because they were different than I thought they were going to be. They aren't what I thought they were.
But really, how true is that? I've never dated anyone who downplayed their faults, so where is the disconnect?
In talking to one of my best friends, I came across the idea that maybe the problem comes from trying to be understanding. You build a connection with someone and grow to care for them, so the first time that you see them be a little rude to someone or commit some other minor infraction, you overlook it as long as it isn't a major dealbreaker. You spend more time with them, start to love them and then when you see something else that make you think, "Hmmm...I'm not sure about that," but you overlook that too, because you are in love.
Then you overlook the next thing and the next and the next, then when a HUGE problem comes along, a giant RED FLAG (*Warning! Warning! Danger ahead!*), you're so deep into the relationship you let it go because you're enmeshed. You overlooked one issue, so what is one more? You don't want to lose this person because you've grown attached to them, even though you can see it isn't going to end well. They aren't the person for you, but you aren't ready to hear that yet.
It isn't that they've changed, it's that you let so many things you have a problem with slide. Instead of guarding and protecting your heart (Copyright: Crazy Kasey Kahl), you jumped in and forgave things you wouldn't have otherwise because your feelings were so involved.
I'm not saying that forgiving some faults is bad, in fact, it's crucial. What I am saying is that if someone you are dating does something that is an affront to you, it's okay to end it. It's okay to be careful. It's okay to fast-forward a little bit and realize that you're boyfriend's habit of not texting back, inability to say thank you or refusal to tip more than 8% will be a problem you just can't get over. It's okay to see that the person you love right now isn't necessarily the person that you're going to marry.
It's okay to end a dating relationship if you want. Don't be scared about it; if that person isn't for you that's not going to change because you overlook one thing or forgive another. It's just not. Keep looking - instead of staying with a person who annoys you, look for the person whose annoying tendencies are just a part of their charm. They're out there.
~j
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