This Guy I Know: A Cautionary Tale

There is this guy I know, who this thing happened to and I thought I'd share it with you.

See, Bill* was chronically single (see also: me, prior to Mr. Wild Card).  He is a regular guy with a decent job; there's nothing remarkably wrong with him - I mean, his personality isn't for everyone, but he's not a bad guy.  I think it was difficult for Bill to find someone he connected with because of his mildly awkward & peculiar nature, but he kept trying. 

To be honest, I envied him a little.  Bill took rejection well.  When a relationship didn't work out, he wouldn't let it affect him. Faced with the same situation, I would probably lay on the floor in a dark room listening to a Smiths/The Cure remix on repeat and question if love still existed.

He even asked me for advice after hearing that I was attempting online dating for the blog.  I happily gave it to him and the next thing I knew, he was in a relationship with someone he seemed to get along with well.  I started seeing Mr. Wild Card shortly after that and there we all were, a picture of happiness and contentment. 

All I heard were good things about this girl.  She made him visibly happy (and much more pleasant). After six months of dating, Bill thought he was in love (well, he probably WAS in love) and decided to propose in a really interesting way, something really specific to her tastes.  He even had a ring made in a style she loved that was incredibly unique; no one else would have this ring.  I thought it was so sweet how he planned out every detail, how he had tailored it to her tastes.  She would HAVE to say yes.

And she did say yes...well, she said yes until she took it back.

I felt horrible when I heard the engagement had ended.  He was so excited!  He was telling everyone about what he wanted the wedding to be like and how utterly excited he was through with dating.  How did this happen?  Bill was shattered.  WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE PERSON DOES THIS?

She apparently felt like she was too young (SHE'S OLDER THAN ME) to be married and wasn't interested in planning a life with someone right now because she wants to be selfish.

Ick.

Then I remembered something Bill had mentioned in passing the week before the proposal: they hadn't discussed marriage at all.  Not even a little.  Isn't that something you customarily do before you go to all the effort of an extravagant proposal?  He had to have been confident she would say yes, but wouldn't a reasonable person broach the subject beforehand?  It was foreshadowing.

(And just so you know, Mr. Wild Card knows I'm heavily in favor and an advocate of marriage.)

I possibly nailed something on the head a bit earlier when I said, "She would HAVE to say yes."  See, Bill asked her in front of a crowd of people during a weekend away together.  Who would want to say no in a situation like that?  She probably felt pressure to say yes.  She did later sit down with him, privately, and explain how she couldn't go through with it, simply to save having to have a difficult conversation.  It saved her from being unhappy in a marriage she didn't want and, in turn, making Bill unhappy.

This story highlights how important COMMUNICATION is in an relationship.  If Bill had brought up the subject of marriage seriously, his girl might have given him some indication that she just wasn't ready to advance down that path.  One small conversation may have helped Bill to cool his jets and just enjoy their time together, instead of making a big leap to the marriage question.  

So, talk to each other. Ask questions, even the hard ones.  Otherwise, you might end up like Bill: alone with a pricey piece of jewelry.

~j

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and their opinion of me.

The World Wide Dating Web

I've got to confess something to you guys - I have delved into the world of online dating.  I'm taking it seriously too.  There are so many reasons behind it, but I think the simplest of those is the fact that I just don't meet very many new people.  Of those I do meet, only a small portion of those are guys, and of those, an even smaller portion are single.  I needed a bigger pond from which to fish.  Building a profile on a trusted site was easy and made me take a step of my ever-narrowing comfort zone.

This whole online dating thing is kinda crazy.  At first, I was super overwhelmed.  THERE ARE SO MANY GUYS! AND THEY ARE ALL SINGLE!  You have to sift through so much information looking for a suitable match.  (By the way, people really put a lot of information in their little profiles - but that is totally helpful.  You find out a lot of stuff and get a feeling for their personality.)

Once you have somehow located someone you are remotely interested in, you send them a message.  Then you wait.  If you're lucky, you may get a message back.  Then whole back and forth communication starts and you're trying to be the best version of yourself, but somehow you find your dorky little habits creeping in.  And if you're super lucky, you might actually get a date.

There are plenty of downsides though.  See the thing is, you can see people who view your profile.  So, these are guys who looked at the pictures you've painstakingly cropped and the answers to questions you spent an afternoon pouring over, choosing just the right words and decided, "Nah."  I'm okay with it, but I'd rather not even see that part.  I don't really need to know that.  I really could go the rest of my life and not see who's 'viewed me.' Truly.

What's even worse than that is when someone blocks you and you haven't even spoken to them.  So, not only can I see that you have viewed me, but then it's followed up by a block.  A definitive statement that says, "I no likey you."  They could simply just overlook me, but they wanted to make sure I was out of their match zone.  Harsh.  In the end, I don't really care, because they are clearly not the person I'm supposed to end up with, but it is a little shock to the ego, you know?

Then there are those guys you see and think, "WOWZA, he's great!," and send a message, but that message never gets answered.  Or you're talking to someone and then the messages just stop - after which you're left to contemplate where exactly you went wrong.  An internal conversation like this usually happens after: 'What did I say?  Was it my extended speech on the quality of programs on PBS and AMC?  Or maybe it was my habit of using already overused catch-phrases? I would ask, but we all know I'm not going to do that.  Blerg.'

Even with all those negatives, online dating simplifies everything in general.  You don't have to ask yourself if someone you just met thinks you're dateable.  If someone is interested, it's uncomplicated: he just send me a little message.  If he doesn't, at least I haven't spent countless hours of my life (and my friend's lives, recounting stories to them) wondering if he 'like likes' me.  It's non-confrontational, informal and laid back.  I kind like/love it.

Also, I'm sure it's going to give me great stories for the blog.  You're welcome in advance.

~j