This Guy I Know: A Cautionary Tale

There is this guy I know, who this thing happened to and I thought I'd share it with you.

See, Bill* was chronically single (see also: me, prior to Mr. Wild Card).  He is a regular guy with a decent job; there's nothing remarkably wrong with him - I mean, his personality isn't for everyone, but he's not a bad guy.  I think it was difficult for Bill to find someone he connected with because of his mildly awkward & peculiar nature, but he kept trying. 

To be honest, I envied him a little.  Bill took rejection well.  When a relationship didn't work out, he wouldn't let it affect him. Faced with the same situation, I would probably lay on the floor in a dark room listening to a Smiths/The Cure remix on repeat and question if love still existed.

He even asked me for advice after hearing that I was attempting online dating for the blog.  I happily gave it to him and the next thing I knew, he was in a relationship with someone he seemed to get along with well.  I started seeing Mr. Wild Card shortly after that and there we all were, a picture of happiness and contentment. 

All I heard were good things about this girl.  She made him visibly happy (and much more pleasant). After six months of dating, Bill thought he was in love (well, he probably WAS in love) and decided to propose in a really interesting way, something really specific to her tastes.  He even had a ring made in a style she loved that was incredibly unique; no one else would have this ring.  I thought it was so sweet how he planned out every detail, how he had tailored it to her tastes.  She would HAVE to say yes.

And she did say yes...well, she said yes until she took it back.

I felt horrible when I heard the engagement had ended.  He was so excited!  He was telling everyone about what he wanted the wedding to be like and how utterly excited he was through with dating.  How did this happen?  Bill was shattered.  WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE PERSON DOES THIS?

She apparently felt like she was too young (SHE'S OLDER THAN ME) to be married and wasn't interested in planning a life with someone right now because she wants to be selfish.

Ick.

Then I remembered something Bill had mentioned in passing the week before the proposal: they hadn't discussed marriage at all.  Not even a little.  Isn't that something you customarily do before you go to all the effort of an extravagant proposal?  He had to have been confident she would say yes, but wouldn't a reasonable person broach the subject beforehand?  It was foreshadowing.

(And just so you know, Mr. Wild Card knows I'm heavily in favor and an advocate of marriage.)

I possibly nailed something on the head a bit earlier when I said, "She would HAVE to say yes."  See, Bill asked her in front of a crowd of people during a weekend away together.  Who would want to say no in a situation like that?  She probably felt pressure to say yes.  She did later sit down with him, privately, and explain how she couldn't go through with it, simply to save having to have a difficult conversation.  It saved her from being unhappy in a marriage she didn't want and, in turn, making Bill unhappy.

This story highlights how important COMMUNICATION is in an relationship.  If Bill had brought up the subject of marriage seriously, his girl might have given him some indication that she just wasn't ready to advance down that path.  One small conversation may have helped Bill to cool his jets and just enjoy their time together, instead of making a big leap to the marriage question.  

So, talk to each other. Ask questions, even the hard ones.  Otherwise, you might end up like Bill: alone with a pricey piece of jewelry.

~j

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and their opinion of me.

Lowered Expectations

I heard someone say once, "Don't anticipate, participate."  I've always thought that was a pretty great mantra to live by, because it prevents you from stressing out about how you think things should go.  If you spend all your time thinking about the way it should go and whatever it is doesn't follow that script, you become disappointed and that leads you to having a bummer time.  Who wants that?  Just take things as they come, don't expect a certain ending and have a good time!  Don't expect an ending.

Except, in dating, you should have expectations.  I'm not talking about "he's gotta have an important job/nice car/gone to an ivy league" requirements either.  You should expect that he's going to be nice, going to treat you well, going to make you important.  When did these expectations get lost?  Why are we tossing what we think we deserve to the side? 

I tend to expect less these days.  I take what guys I'm dating can give me and that's it.  I don't expect anything more for them, which really means I somehow don't think I deserve more.  Whoa, I totally just had an Oprah "A-ha" moment.  In reality, it isn't too much to ask for someone you're dating to be involved and engaged or to be around.  My wacky brain, however, thinks that is putting too much pressure on the relationship and that I should just take what I can get, whatever time they have for me.  What an awful way of thinking.

I hate the word "settling."  Despise it really, but sometimes we do settle for fear of being all alone.  Being alone, in a word, sucks.  Even if you have thousands of friends, there still isn't someone to come home to, someone to share your whole life with and that's scary.  You shouldn't settle for a person who doesn't value you or doesn't make an effort.  (BUT!, just because the guy you're dating isn't going to make 6 figures doesn't mean you are settling.  If he's kind, cares about you and wants to do right by you, who gives a flying flip that you're not going to live in a super swanky neighborhood or drive a luxury SUV?)

Having expectations for a person you are dating to be generous with their time (within reason) or to simply want to be around you isn't a bad thing.  There's isn't a reason that you shouldn't think that way.  Everyone deserves someone that makes them a priority, not just another thing to cross off their list.

~j

How The Bachelorette is Ruining My Life

Ah, the Bachelorette is back.  What a premise this show has.  Let's be honest, who wouldn't want 25 handsome men who intend to date/marry you arriving at your doorstep?  That sounds like a fun time to me.  Really - it takes all the work out of the whole dating thing.  Someone went out, interviewed a crap ton of dudes, weeded all the candidates down and sent them directly to you.  Hel-lo!

Except that doesn't happen in real life.  Real life means you have to wade through all the bad ones to find the one good one, without the help of a producer.  There will never be, at any point in my life, 25 guys (or even 5 guys) vying for my attention.  I won't be whisked away to a tropical location for a few dates.  No one is going to propose to me because I chose them over another guy, after dating, then dumping two dozen men over the course of a few weeks.

The thing is that watching this show puts me in a frame of mind that creates these totally unrealistic expectations of how love goes and/or grows.  The show creates situations in which people force themselves to feel something for the other person.  They convince themselves they are falling in love, or something like it, something close to it.  This spells disaster, not only for them, but for the viewer too.  We begin to look at our own love life and think, "Um, I'm on my 4th date with this person and I like them, but should I be feeling something more?"  Love should grow in time, shouldn't it?  It isn't always fireworks right away.  It's bigger than that.  Love should be more than that. 

(To be fair, I've been in a situation where I felt completely connected with someone right away and there is something to be said for that overwhelming feeling of "Gah! This person is Just. So. Amazing!"  It's really great, that feeling.)

If I'm honest, I would be such an egomaniac if I was the Bachelorette.  "Look at me, being perused by all these super-hot dudes!  Oh, you're just watching TV?  Check it out - now I'm taking a helicopter ride over the Alps!  What are you doing? Oh, just working and doing laundry?  Oh.  Well, that's...cool."  I would be a jerk.  No one would like me.  I would be Brad.  No one likes Brad. 

But it would be a nice change to see some average, normal person be the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  When was the last time you saw a homely Bachelorette?  Never.  As I told someone the other day, I don't hide what I have NOT going for me.  At this point, you see what you're getting yourself into.  There isn't going to be some surprise when you come over and notice all my giggly bits because I'm Spanx-less.  You won't gasp because I forgot to put on fake eyelashes or undereye concealer and I have a gnarly zit making itself at home on my chin.  You see me for me - not me under the best of conditions. 

Maybe that's where the show misses the mark.  The people don't get to see each other in all circumstances, but only in the best locales, with full hair/make-up and perfect lighting.  Maybe Chris Harrison and company should have the season at regular house, with regular, not-so-beautiful people and the dates should be, like, to the movies or Chili's.  Now that, I would watch.

Single Girl Syndrome

I am a part of a generation that is cynical.  We question everything.  We want to see what people's intentions really are, how far they are willing to go for us.  In relationships it translates into something we might expect from a romantic comedy.  We're waiting for the one that gives us the "big gesture", proof that we're worth someone going to extreme lengths for us.  A part of me wants someone to do something outrageous and, yet. I don't.  I think I've figured out where I'm going wrong here...

I've had a few boyfriends over the years and not a single one of them has done anything over the top for me.  There could be a lot of reasons for this: 1. They're idiots (in some cases, likely), 2. I don't deserve it (HIGHLY UNLIKELY, as I am worth my weight in platinum), 3. They weren't inclined to do those things (pretty likely) or 4. I laughed off all their attempts at being cute/sweet/romantical (ding, ding, ding!).

Don't get me wrong, I love love.  I love seeing old couples smiling at each other and holding wrinkly hands.  I love my married friends who appreciate each other.  I love seeing people fall in love.  I love the whole thing!  It melts my frozen, hard heart.  What I'm not good at though, is accepting those declarations of love or affection.  It could be a cultural phenomenon for aspiring hipsters such as myself, but I find myself laughing off those really sweet, sincere acts from guys.  (Yes, I'm that skeptical of someone doing something nice for me.)  Hello!  If I do that, these guys aren't going to want to try to make me feel special again.  Duhz.  Just say thank you for Pete Campbell's* sake.

I know I'm not alone here.  I call it Single Girl Syndrome.  I, like many other women, talk myself into believing certain things, because thinking that way is easier.  I say, "Ugh, flowers are such a waste of money," even though I would love to get some.  I say, "Oh, we don't have to make [insert important occasion] a big deal," when I want it to be the biggest deal ever.  I say, "You can't make it? Oh, no worries," and proceed to have a meltdown because I was looking forward to whatever we planned on doing.  We say these things because we don't want to be disappointed, but what's wrong with a little expectation?  A little hope?  A little belief in love? 

Instead of accepting the attention, I toss it away.  Instead of saying what I mean, I try to buffer my feelings.  In an effort to self-perserve, I act like I didn't really care about it.  I'm not being honest with myself or other people.

I'm officially making a stand against this way of thinking today.  Feel free to buy me flowers or tell me I'm beautiful, boys.  I'll just smile my best Miss America smile and say thank you, because, well, I deserve your attention.

~J

*Mad Men reference. If you're not watching the show, you should. If you don't like it, I'm not sure why we're friends.