Books Covers: Getting Judged By Me Since 1982

Wow - I almost forgot that I had a blog for a second!  Actually, that's a lie.  I get reminded at least once a week that I have taken what appears to be a blogging sabbatical and that I'm not keeping true to my "one entry a week" agreement.  My apologizes.  I've been busy happy (and popular and awesome and, duh, humble) and I've been neglecting you, gentle reader. 

(Here's a quick recap of my life: everything is pretty great.  Work is good, family is good, friends are good, the bf is good, my social networking is good.  Life is, well, good.  Everything is aligning.  I've, literally, got nothing much to complain about.  I like it that way.)

In thinking about what I wanted to cover in today's entry, I remembered a friend of mine - we'll call him Dating Dan - who just went on a date this weekend.  The date was, by all circumstantial evidence, set up to be perfectly romantic.  The problem?  He just wasn't into his date.  Like, at all.

While I'll leave the details of the date for another entry (suspenseful and totally annoying, I know), the fact was that Dan called me and told me that he was worried about his date before it actually happened.  There was an impending sense of doom surrounding the date, not just the typical butterflies.  Dan had been talking to this person for a few weeks before they actually met and got to know his date fairly well.  He related to me that he was just not sure about how it would work out.

Dan told me his what concerns were and I pushed them off to the side, encouraging him to just go out with this person who was obviously interested in him and see what happens. Why did I do this?  It wasn't just because I wanted one of my friends to go on a date, but it was because I didn't want to be judgmental.

You see, I'm so bad about making snap decisions about people that I'm making a conscious effort to do just the opposite.  I mean, thinking about the first date with Mr. Wild Card, I would have never thought I would end up dating him in the long run.  (I think I even tweeted about the fact that he may or may not have drank a little too much?  Sorry about that one, Mr. WC!)  I really thought I would just have one or two dates with him and nothing much would amount from it.  I was definitely wrong.  I didn't want the same thing to happen to Dan! I didn't want him to lose out on a potentially great person because of a few awkward phone conversations.

Even though I told him to go out and enjoy himself, inside I was screaming - 'Don't waste your time!  You already kind of hate this person!  Don't waste their time!  They sound like such an annoying person!  Seriously, they are going to bother me.  I don't want to have to hang out with an annoying person!  And if you date them, I'll have to!  Think about me!'

But I didn't say that, because I wanted to give Dan an opportunity at finding romance with someone he might have overlooked.

I was wrong. 

The moral here: always go with your instincts.  Dan gave his date a fighting chance, but he just wasn't feeling it.  He knew that he prior to the date, but went anyway, on my advice.

I guess I should go back to judging people - after all, it just feels right.

~J 

Ways I Fail at Dates: Vol. 3

Well, I've successfully gotten someone else to ask me out.  I know!  It's crazy, right?  I'm not exactly sure how I'm doing it, although I'm fairly sure it has to do with my clear awesomeness and extra humility.  Either that or he's feeling lonely and doesn't want to spend another Friday night alone, eating Ben and Jerry's and listening to the new Taylor Swift album on repeat.

In these pre-date moments, I usually pull back the curtain and show you guys my neurotic brain processes.  (I wrote about other ways I fail at dates here and here, in case you missed them!)  Don't worry, I'm going to do that today, but I also want to assure you kids that I'm going into the date like I go into life: with my head down and attempting to not make any sudden movements.  (Kidding!  I'll be delightful, smiley and semi self-effacing, like usual.)

I don't know how this one is going to go - I've been talking to this guy on and off for a few weeks and this is the first time that our schedules have aligned.  Maybe all this waiting let us get to know either other better - to be honest, I'm not nervous in the least.  This either makes me jaded or just confident in the fact that he knows me and is still interested after all this time.  We'll see how it goes!  (And by that, I mean I'll write about it on Monday.  You're welcome in advance.)

Now, on to the important stuff - here's a few more ways I fail at dates:

Attempted Seriousness

We all know I'm not a serious kind of person.  I mean, I know HOW to be serious and the importance of a true heart to heart conversation, but it just isn't my sweet spot.  (Yes, I have made a mental note to work on that, thankyouverymuch.)  I love to make people laugh and enjoy time spent with people where we talk about light-hearted things.  When the conversation moves out of these bounds, especially on the first few dates, I fall apart.

Like, how serious is this conversation going to get?  How much should I reveal?  I don't want to put all my business on the table, but I also want to give enough so it feels like I'm sharing.  I've never been good at gauging that kind of stuff on dates.  I think it's the first or second date jitters combined with my inability to understand men.   

And I tend to get competitive in serious stories.  Things like: "Oh, you broke your wrist in college? Well, I had to have emergency surgery and my parents had to drive 7 hours to get to the hospital." and "Oh, you had trouble in school? Well, I didn't. At all.  In fact, I had a 4.0 in grad school."  How frightfully unattractive.  I'm going to try not to do that today.

Dorkiness

I'm not a supreme dork.  I haven't seen all the Star Wars movies, I don't watch Doctor Who (I just don't get it!), I'm not sure what a Battlestar Galatica or a Cosplay is and I don't read graphic novels.  I do, however, speak in weird accents, get geeked out over certain TV shows, have a clumsy streak and snort when I laugh.  I'm kinda a dork...just a liiiiiitttllllee bit.  I know that you should be authentic during dates, but maybe I shouldn't reveal that I wikipedia every 'The Walking Dead' character, just yet.

Over-Agreeableness

I just took a personality profile that told me that my highest trait was being "agreeable."  Not to prove it's point, but I'm agreeable to that assessment.  I tend to go with the flow.  Some people might see this as being indecisive, but I view it as the ability to have a good time, no matter what I'm doing.  (And I'm crap at making decisions.)

Usually, this is a good thing, but occasionally, it gets me into trouble.  I agree to second dates where we're shooting giant guns or I say something dumb like, "Oh, sure! Bungee jumping sounds SO fun!  And so does diving with sharks! And so does all the ridiculously awful things you're suggesting we do sometime because they are 'adventurous'!"  BUNGEE JUMPING DOES NOT SOUND LIKE FUN.  I don't want my body attached to a glorified rubber band and then hurdle myself off of a perfectly good bridge in hopes that it snaps me back from the brink of death.  This is being TOO agreeable.  I need to learn to give myself boundaries.  I need to learn how to shut up!  

And for future reference, I'm not a thrill-seeker.  I am a mug of hot chocolate, blanket and comfy couch seeker.  I am a local band concert, followed by a hamburger seeker.  I am a funny movie and slice of pizza seeker - just to clear that up.

~j



 

A First Date: My Introduction to Mr. Wonderful

I know I kinda sprung being in an official relationship on everyone with very little warning, my apologies.  I didn't even write about our first few dates at all. Why?  Because those dates were, simply put, freaking awesome.  There was nothing to write about except rainbows, hearts, unicorns and googly eyes and I wanted to spare you the gushing.

I usually write about traumatic things that happen to me for comedic effect, mainly because if I wasn't laughing, I would be crying profusely and often.  The first date with Mr. Wonderful was simple, easy and, honestly, the best first date I'd ever gone on.  I even came to a great realization during the date.  Here is a little of how it went:

We had been texting for a little bit and he asked me to go to dinner.  He didn't ask me to "hang out," he actually asked me on a big kid date.  The day of the date, I wrote a blog about failing at dates (it's here, in case you missed it) because I was so exceptionally nervous.  I spent most of the morning deciding what to wear (a dress) and spent a fair part of the late afternoon deciding what to do with my unruly hair (it still looked like a hot mess).  After a day spent thinking about all the possible ways I could/was probably going to screw this date up, it was time to actually go out with him. *gulp* 

I drove over to the place we were having dinner and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  What I mean by this is my heart was beating so hard I could hear it in my ears and I LITERALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.  I sat in my car for a minute and tried to compose myself, while he texted to ask me if I was there yet. My next thought was, "Ahhhhh! This is happening. I can't breath! I'm actually going to pass out. I'm going to throw up, pass out and he's going to find me in this car, unconscious with puke all over my lap. Awesome."

After getting myself together, I walked up toward the door of the restaurant and he was standing outside.  My hands started sweating - 'at what point in my life did I get sweaty palms?!?!' - and it felt like my knees were going to start shaking.  I managed to plaster on what was probably a really awful, "Help me, I'm scared" smile and he, not missing a beat, hugged me hello.  After that hug, all my awkward, dorky nervousness disappeared and I was able to be my regular, still semi-dorky, self.

I did spend a little bit of the first part of dinner intensely studying the menu, but eventually looked up and engaged him in actual conversation.  "Hey, I can do this!  I can talk face to face to a real guy without being an idiot!"  After dinner, we hung out and kept talking, about a little of everything.  It was so comfortable, it felt like he and I had been friends for a long time.  I was enjoying myself.

At some point toward the end of the evening, he was talking and I was able to really look at him.  I have to admit, I zoned out on what he was saying (am I a boy, or what?) and just looked at him. "Huh, this guy is cute.  Have I thought that yet or was I too focused on my eyeliner running to take notice?  I think I might actually like him..."

See, what I did before this thought was something that lots of girls do: I was so caught up in getting him to like me, I didn't stop to think if I liked him.  Shouldn't it be about figuring out if the other person is good for us, not the other way around?  Why did it take me nearly 30 years to figure that out?  Life would have been way simpler if I had learned that lesson before.

Anyway, you all know how the end of the story goes - a few more dates, a week away and then I have a real, live boyfriend.  If only everything was this easy.

~j