In Which We Find Ourselves Married

FINE. I'll write something, because I know you all have been basically DYING to know what has been going on with my life.

While there have been a great many things written on being married, and I’m sure that I won’t be the most eloquent or elegant of all the offerings, I’m going to wax poetic anyway.  You’re welcome.

First of all, it’s awesome.  Dating Mr. Wildcard (whom we will refer to as The Husband or TH going forward) was awesome, but being married is a greater awesome.  There is no ambiguity. There is no “what’s the next step.”  It’s solid: it’s a marriage.  It’s continual.  He’s supportive, comforting and challenges me.  He is my greatest blessing and my wubbles.  Getting all those things, from a person you adore, is a gift.

Secondly, it’s hard. Duh.  Marriage is hard. And not in a bad way – in a really fulfilling, work through it kind of way.  Although, I can tell you how NOT FUN it is to discuss how we’re going to file taxes.

Thirdly, fourthly and fifthly, it’s hard.

Have I mentioned it’s hard?

Before we all get our knickers in a twist over my commentary, when I said it’s hard, it’s because IT IS.  Arguing or being in a committed relationship isn’t what’s difficult – in fact, that’s easy in comparison.  Putting two lives together is hard. Putting two completely separate systems and ways of doing things into one is hard. Having two minorly stubborn 30 year olds with lots of individual responsibilities and commitments join together IS HARD.

There are a few dozen other things that need to be worked out when you get married. Logistical garbage that is not at all interesting. Who takes out the trash? (We both try.) Who does the laundry? (Well, I actually like doing the laundry…) Who takes care of the dishes? (Ugh, dishes. My archnemesis.)  I would love to just gloss over these decisions, but YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THEM. And if you don’t discuss these “tiny” things, they can grow into huge issues. 

(Yes, dishes can become a point of contention. Of course, this was mainly between my parents and me during my teen years.  It was a dark time.)

I like to plan things a little in advance and put it on the calendar. I leave a few do-nothing days in there, in case anything interesting or fun pops up.  (Read interesting and fun as: I want to sleep late and watch entire seasons of Gilmore Girls.)  He hates planning.  He would rather not use a calendar.  He will randomly decide to go do something on the spur of the moment.  Sure, neither way is better than the other, but they are opposite and, occasionally, annoying to the other person.

I also like to go to bed with the TV on.  He disagrees. Negotiations are still in process.

These are the kind of things that you don’t discuss before getting married.  You talk about big ticket items: debt (my bad, TH, but I really loved school), kids, where you’ll live, religion or political views.  You don’t talk about how you absolutely need the towels to be folded this certain way or the earth will stop rotating.  You forget to mention that you can only use one particular detergent because…well, just because.  You neglect to inform your poor spouse that dishes give you flashbacks to a time when you didn’t have a dishwasher and your mother liked to drink milk, but left a little in the glass and it was ALWAYS at the bottom of the gigantic pile, meaning that it had been sitting, growing penicillin and other bacteria, for approximately a week and you were forced to wash the entire pile WITHOUT GLOVES. (That’s gotta be against some law, right? It’s clearly child endangerment of some type.) 

It’s a learning process. Luckily, I'm a good student.  I have grasped how to say, “I’m sorry” in a new, interesting and fresh ways.  (You know, I went to school for an EXTREMELY long time, but they never covered that topic…I feel like I should get some kind of refund.)

All the changes, all the compromises, all the adjustments - this is why the first year of marriage is the hardest.

Hard?  Yes.

Impossible? Of course, not.

TH is my person.  My forever person.  Putting our two fleshed out lives together has been hard, but it’s also been gratifying, rewarding, sustaining, reassuring and fully satisfying.  It has been completely and totally worth all those changes, compromises and adjustments.  I’d gladly do it again, if it meant getting to be with ol’ TH.

So, maybe I’ll turn off the TV at night and maybe he’ll plan a dinner a week or two in advance. 

Maybe I’ll even wash the dishes… 

HA. Kidding. PAPER PLATES 4 LYFE.  (Again, sorry TH.  The dishes are your burden to bear.)

~j

Madness: A Rant About The Bachelorette

I've already written about my general hatred for The Bachelorette (you can find it here), but the ending of this season as GONE TOO FAR. I waited to write about it, mainly so I'd be less angry, but I'm still annoyed.  I was so furious and confounded that it has carried over for weeks.

Why am I so irate when I don't even watch the show, you ask?

Because Desiree Hartsock is making a GIANT mistake.  And young girls think that's ok.

Here's a quick recap for those not in the know:
Desiree was really into this one guy.  He was basically the only person she was interested in of the three guys she had left.  She was going to pick HIM.  She knew it, we knew, Chris Harrison knew it, the camera crew knew it - I think the only two who didn't were the other dudes.  It was obvious to anyone watching.

Then the unthinkable happened; after some soul-searching, the ONE left the show.  He said he couldn't propose to her, that he had to leave.  Desiree was devastated.  *cue sad music* She didn't know if she go on with the show, because her true love, her prince charming had left her. Her heart was shattered into a million pieces.

Luckily, she got it together enough to continue and accept another proposal from one of the two leftovers. OH GOOD.

And this, my friends, is my HUGE issue.  She was so certain that Guy A was THE ONE and when he left, he was easily replaced by The Backup.  She didn't hesitate to say yes.  WHAT THE WHAT?!?!?

Here is a girl who was yearning for this one particular guy, who thought that this guy was her soulmate, who almost couldn't go on AND YET she said yes to someone else when they proposed just 48 hours later.  I understand what it's like to want to be married, to have a husband and start a family, but I can assuredly say I would not say yes to someone simply because they asked.  Working under the pretense that you should say yes simply because you're asked is wrong, wrong, wrong.  Saying yes because you're desperate to be married is equally wrong.  I wanted to say,  "It's okay Desiree, you can walk away from the show single, I promise!"

I almost get her mentality.  Guy B (Backup/new Fiance) was nice, was really into her and he's not bad, so why not try it out and see if it works.  I'll tell ya why - because you're ENGAGED. That's weighty, man. That's a promise, an agreement, to marry one day.  That's pressure.  Who cares if he asked?  She could've said, "You know what? I'm not ready for this big commitment, but I didn't give you enough of my attention and I think you're pretty great.  Let's try dating and see what happens."  But, wait, I forgot, this is 'reality TV' and normal behavior is suspended.

In the end, I feel like she is going to hurt her new fiance.  She was so intent on having a good ending, she made one happen, possibly at the expense of this sweet, poetry writing guy.

A person can not, in real life, just jump from one intense relationship to another and have everything work out.  Yeah, yeah, I know you want to share exceptions, but I'm talking majority things here.  Your heart and mind can't flip like that.  On the reunion show, I felt as if the original THE ONE guy had asked her to marry him, she would have turned to the Backup and said, "Welp, it's been nice."  I think Backup/Fiance dude felt the same (at least his face looked that way).  It made me feel sad and uncomfortable for him and upset with her. 

Take some time between relationships.  Don't rush in.  Don't make big commitments when you know your heart hasn't had time to catch up.  Don't hurt people in order to make yourself feel good for the moment.  THINK.

Oh, and don't go on a reality dating show.

~j

Heart, Rainbows, Sunshine & Unicorn Poop: An Update

It's been a hot minute since I wrote a post, hasn't it?

I'm sorry guys, I really am.  I guess I've been so deliriously happy in my relationship with Mr. Wild Card that the need for writing a dating blog has dwindled to basically nothing.  (Note: Mr.Wild Card takes great pleasure in saying he's single-handedly 'killed' the blog.)

Don't get me wrong, W.C. and I have the occasional disagreement, but most of the tifts we have rarely last more than a few hours.  I have to give him most of the credit for that, because I'm weirdly stubborn.  You wouldn't think that by looking at me, since I have essentially zero willpower, but I can give a world-class silent treatment.  If we are huffy at one another for too long, he'll approach me with gentleness and tell me he can't go the rest of the day upset.  I finally found someone who can meet me on a level where I don't want to give up or walk away; he makes me want to try!  Even when I'm being annoying. (Which is VERY, VERY RARE.)

He's good about wanting to work out issues and I'm working on not avoiding those issues by shutting down.  I'm good at scheduling and staying on top of commitments/generally being responsible and he's working on being more responsible.  He's making me better and he'll tell you that it's the other way around.  He takes care of my automobillllleee (DONG! DONG! GRANDPA'S TALKING TO YOU!*) and I take care of his household chores.  He makes me laugh and I make him weep with my wit.  It's fun.  I feel loved.

Bonus: Everyone I introduce him to likes him.  He's friendly, easy-going and congenial. What's more, the people he makes lets me meet somehow like me too. (No, I don't know how that happened either.  I didn't even have to pay them!)

All of that is to say, he's the best and this is probably the most healthy, two-sided relationship I've been in.

Honest.

BUT we're not perfect.

In the past couple of months, I struggled with writing truthfully about everything because I didn't know what would overstep boundaries and if what I wrote might upset the most important person to me.  So, I chose not to, instead leaving the blog unwritten.

We do have struggles.  Naturally, we should.  We're two different people who've been living selfishly for a lot of our adult lives; we only had to consider ourselves for years.  There is a difficulty that comes with that and I want to share those things with you guys, because I want to be forthright and show both sides. There is a catch though: if I wrote about every argument we have, that wouldn't be fair to him, me, our relationship or even to you, reader.

I'm choosing not to use this blog as a means to vent when he does something dumb, mainly because for every 1 dumb thing he does I do 17.  I'm going to be picky about what I share and I'm hopeful you'll respect that.  Just remember I'm the one writing it, from my point of view and as judicious or unbiased as I try to be, it's still my perspective.

Happily,
J

*Sorry for the reference, I couldn't help myself.


 

The Epihany

I'm a worrier.

Some of you know this, some of you have found this out reading the blog and some of you have no idea.  Often, when something causes me to worry, I sit and just think about and stew over the circumstances surrounding the thing that's making me have worried face.  (You know the face: furrowed brow, far-away look in the eyes, biting of the lip.)  I spin it over and over in my head, looking at it from different angles, trying to explain what happened, trying to reason out why it happened, trying to figure out how it fix it.

My worrying occasionally consumes me.

And it really annoys Mr. Wild Card.

I found myself worrying over an ex-girlfriend on Mr. Wild Card a few months ago.  We were spending lots of time together and I was learning more about his past.  The more I learned about his relationship with a particular ex, the more it seemed like the break up didn't make sense.  Mr. WC assured me that it had been coming to the point in the relationship where it needed to end, but I knew that she definitely didn't want the break up to happen.  I sat on this for a little while and then, slowly, but surely, a seed of doubt and worry grew into a full-blown plant.

Yes, I know what you're already thinking: HE BROKE UP WITH HER, YOU DUMMY.  HE'S DATING YOU NOW.  IF HE WANTED TO DATE HER, HE WOULD BE.

Trust me, guys.  I tried telling myself that, but my brain went bananas.  I started comparing myself to her (save your commentary, I already know that was stupid) and began to feel threatened by someone who Mr. WC no longer wanted to date.  All the positive self-talk I could muster wasn't helping.  I was stuck in the wasteland of uncertainty, a place I had created for myself.

Then, one day, as I was talking to someone about a completely different topic, it hit me: Mr. WC feels about his ex like I feel about E-Mail Man, my last boyfriend. 

E-Mail Man was someone who I talked about marriage with, someone who I thought about building a family with and then it ended.  He's a perfectly nice person, but he just wasn't MY person.  There wasn't anything 'wrong' with the relationship per se, but we were really different.  Too different, as it turns out.  But when E-Mail Man and I started dating, it was such a breath of fresh air to find someone who wasn't crazy, was well-spoken, was normal and nice that we tried to make it work because there wasn't anything glaringly wrong.  Maybe there wasn't anything particularly wrong with Mr. WC and his ex, but it wasn't right either.  What a mind-melter connection.

Mr. Wild Card had told me several times exactly what I finally understood, but I just didn't hear him.  And, what's worse, I didn't tell him what I was thinking about - which could have eliminated all my concerns in one swoop.  I let my self-doubt get in the way and I let my negative thoughts take over.  Why did I do that?  Because I couldn't deal with the fact that someone so great and compatible is in my life and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Am I really that cynical?

Once I had my own Oprah "A-ha" moment, I struck a deal with myself: don't worry about things that aren't an issue and don't make an issue out of things that aren't even on the radar.  Constantly waiting for everything to fall apart is not the way God wants me to live my life.  It's freeing, really.  I'm still working on it and I still fail at it, but I'm trying.

I'm actually trying.  I'm making an effort.  Geez, I'm must be in love.

~j

Is This Real Life? Why, Yes. Yes, It Is.

I genuinely enjoy Valentine's Day.  I loved it even when I didn't have anyone to call my Valentine.  All the candies and flowers and happiness that float around make me feel full in the typically cold quadrant of my chest where my heart should be.  Maybe it's the optimist (that sometimes comes to visit) in me that makes me all mushy, but I can't help it.  I LOVE love.

And this year, I'm worse.

I'm in a post-Valentine's dreamland, where everything is fluffy bunnies and the world is throwing up rainbows.

The boyfriend (Mr. Wildcard) sent me a spectacular, just right for me, surprise Valentine.  I was speechless.  Okay, okay, maybe not speechless.  I kind of yelped and carried on and was VERY LOUD, but the sentiment was still the same.  Someone cared enough for me to send an incredible, memory-making present.  Basically, Mr. Wildcard hit it out of the park, definitively.

Here is the part where I usually go on and on about how I couldn't believe someone would go out of their way for me, but this year it's different.  I've found someone who loves me the way I should be loved.  Someone who cares for me the same way I do for them.  I appreciate the effort and the thought  behind his gift immensely and I'm wowed, but at the same time I deserve this happiness.

When someone does something nice for us, we sometimes think, "Why? Why would they do that for me?"  That's not the point.  The point is they did it because you're worth it.  When you become concerned with the 'why's' you miss everything that is so great about that moment.  Just sit back and know that they did what they did for you because they probably think you're just as awesome as you think they are.

As much as I talk about how great I am, I don't really rate myself well.  I mean, sure I'm comfortable in lots of situations, smartish, pretty in a Drew Barrymore/goofy face kinda way, tall, subversively comedic, good with strangers, polite, thoughtful, have nice penmanship and about 10,000+ other wonderful things...wait, what was I saying?

In all honesty, I'm always astounded when someone wants to date me.  I don't get it, but the cool part is, I don't have to.  Mr. Wildcard doesn't love me in spite of my dorkiness, disproportionally loud laugh and crooked smile, he kinda loves me because of those things.  And who am I to argue?

Accept the love you're given.  Give the love you feel.

It's as simple as that.

~j

Now You See Him, Now You Don't

Some guys are really good at what I call "The Disappearing Act."  I'm not sure if they watched too many reruns of 'Breaking The Magician's Code' or if they want to have a Vegas act someday, but a few of them have perfected the art of vaporization.  They were around, active, interested and then, *poof* they're gone. Lame.

I started thinking hard about this when a friend from college related a story to me about this guy she was dating.  (A little backstory on her: She's sweet, kind, smart and thoughtful. She once bought me a DVD of our favorite Keri Russell TV movie-which I still have. She is a delight, I tell you.)  Basically, everything was fine and then he stopped returning her texts/calls.  He just vanished.  Barring his actual death/dismemberment - which I have not been informed of - there really isn't a reason to all of a sudden stop communicating with someone.

And let me clarify something for you; this was an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP.  They were official on the Facebook.  He sent her flowers multiple times.  They went on frequent dates.  Everything was just peachy keen, from what I understand.  They talked about having dinner on a Saturday and when she checked in with him on that Saturday, he never texted her back.  He didn't follow up with her the next day either.  She finally called and left him a message that basically said, "Hey, if you're done, that's cool.  I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with me."  And she STILL didn't hear anything.

I don't get it.  If, at any point, you don't want to date someone anymore, why don't you just vocalize your problem?  Anything could have happened to him, as far as I know.  He could've been abducted my aliens.  He could've been struck with a hammer causing a case of amnesia.  He could've been recruited to the CIA.  He could've been placed in the Witness Protection Program.  A million things could have happened, but how likely is that?  I give the listed things the same odds as I give the chance of John Cusack meeting me and falling madly in love: 0.000000001%.  (Although we can all agree, if he did meet me he would be endlessly charmed and surely would fall in love, can't we?)

I just think he stopped calling because he was a coward. 

And he's not the only one of his kind out there.  If you don't want to have a relationship with someone, just say so.  Sit down and have an honest conversation with that person.  They might hate you at that moment, but in the end they don't have to question what happened.  They know.  There is a definitive answer.  It's the only fair thing to do.

Listen, I understand that some people avoid confrontation and awkward conversations like I avoid the guy selling those hair straighteners in the mall.  No one wants to have to broach that topic, no one wants to be the bad guy.  I get it.  I wouldn't want to have a conversation like that either, but what is the point of treating someone you liked at some point (we hope) so callously?  By just evaporating, I think the person experiences a greater heartache.  They sit there and think that they were too forgettable or unimportant for a phone call.  How cruel.

Do the right thing, vanishers.  Sit down.  Talk.  Be the 'bad guy' for a split second.  You'll be glad you did.

~J

Complicated Is Overrated

One thing I've noticed in dating Mr. Wild Card is that everything was just so easy with him.  We became 'official' with minimal talking - he initiated the conversation and I was more than agreeable.  We made it official on Facebook without much push and pull.  We were able to transition into saying "I love you" easily.  All of these things made sense in the moment, there wasn't any hesitation or backpedaling.  It was so easy.

It made me look back at some of my old relationships and realize that all the times that I have become a couple with someone, it was just as easy.  (Now, the breaking up part wasn't so easy, but such is life.)  There weren't any guessing games or having playing my cards close to the vest - it was easy.  Huh.  I think I'm onto something here.

See, the thing is that sometimes girls, young women, ladies or other such feminine creatures make relationships a lot harder than they need to be.  They make non-relationships harder than they need to be.  (Note: I make everything harder than it needs to be - sorry, Mr. Wild Card.)  It doesn't have to be that way at all. 

If you are supposed to be dating someone, it's going to happen.  There's no amount of scheming, make-up, pouty faces, purposefully missed calls or causal run-ins that will make anyone want to date you more than they already do or do not.  You can't create a situation in which you suddenly become more desirable to someone who just isn't interested.  Why waste all that effort and subject yourself to heartache when that person you're putting on a pedestal doesn't even have you on their radar?

Advice tells you not to be too available, not to talk too much, not to be too needy, not to pry, not to monopolize all their time, not to do this and that.  It's garbage.  There is no cocktail of behavior that can make someone want to date you.  Be yourself - your person will care about you no matter how much you talk or how often you call.  The person that you are supposed to be dating will find the amount of time they see your face just right or not enough.  Your partner will care about hearing you complain about work, will tweet at you no matter how busy they are and will like when you post pictures of you and them on every social media outlet in existence.  Your person will love you no matter how you act - they love you because you are you. 

Why, then, do we make it so complicated?  Because the heart wants what the heart wants?  Because endless books and articles about dating tell us too?  Forget that.  You aren't supposed to convince or persuade someone into a relationship.  It's meant to be easy and natural; we all need that reminder every so often. 

So, get rid of the notion that there is some magic to dating.  It's straightforward.  You like someone and they like you and you spend time together and if you still like each other, you continue to date.  Simple.

Here's to more simple in 2013.

~j

Mr. Wild Card (aka The Boyfriend)

Preface: I know it's been a little while since I've written, so please accept my apologies. I, like you, have been busy and (unlike you, I'm sure) utterly self-absorbed.  Luckily, one of my resolutions is to write at least once a week, so I hope that appeases you.

The last time I wrote, I had just gone on several dates with this guy that I wasn't too sure about.  I mean, he was perfectly fine, more than that really, but I just didn't think he really liked me.  He was way different than any other person I've dated in a long time.  He was confident, self-assured, socially aware, secure, independent, forward thinking and a little cocky.  He was the wild card amongst the few guys I was talking to in late autumn.   

My insecurities came into play - I felt like he was way more attractive than me, could do much better and wouldn't be interested in me after hearing my loud laugh, learning about my obsession with 90's & Canadian teen dramas, figuring out what a nerd I am and finding out just how much I tweet.  I never, in a million years, thought that Mr. Wild Card and I would go further than just those few dates.

I was wrong.  As it happens, this guy is my new boyfriend.

I'm not really sure how it happened, if I'm being honest.  He kept asking me out and I kept saying yes.  I think I was stuck on the fact that I thought he would get tired of me or figure out that I was a square that I sort of disconnected myself from my feelings a little bit.  In other words, I was scared.  Mr. Wild Card was legitimately interested in dating me and I didn't know how to take that.  I didn't know if I would be the person he thought I was in the beginning.  You see, I acted aloof and like I could take it or leave it, so if I started to take this whole thing seriously, my demeanor would inevitably change and then what would he think?

After much internal debate, I decided that if he wanted to date me, he was going to get the full Jeana treatment.  Inappropriately loud laughter in quiet places.  Funny voices and the use of accents.  Random dance breaks.  Singing of everything.  Twitter addiction.  Picky eating.  Dates occurring after running in which a shower was not taken.  Snorts.  Diet Pepsi adoration.  Jeans and a t-shirt worn with beat up sneakers.  Endless commentary during movies.  Problems with dwelling on things.  Occasional neediness.  Inability to take a compliment.  Lack of desire to cuddle at any time.  Ineptitude at sharing feelings.

What I mean to say is I showed him my crazy.

We all have it, but I tend to hide mine for a long time when dating someone new.  I wanted to put everything out there, so he would know what he was getting into - if he saw all this and still hung around, I knew he would be worth all the trouble, hurt feelings and potential sadness I was desperately trying to avoid. 

The amazing thing is, he did stay and he is kind of, well, amazing.  I'm definitely not saying he's perfect, he's done some dumb stuff, but he's the exact person I need in my life right now.  He loves all the parts that I thought weren't lovable.  He tells me I'm beautiful and instead of brushing him off, I'm learning to accept it.  He makes me want to share my *gulp* feelings.  He easily forgives me when I mess up.  He makes me want to try.  He's made me believe in love again.

(Sidenote: Gosh, I sound uber cheesy, don't I?  Forgive me, I'm sure this new love haze will wear off soon.)

This relationship is making me a better person.  I'm growing, learning and changing for the better; isn't that what having a grown up relationship is about, really?  More than companionship, Mr. Wild Card has given me my belief that there are people out there that will truly care about me, like I do them.  If this doesn't last (but golly, I sure hope it does!), I can look back on this whole thing with fondness simply because I've gained that realization. That's an incredible feeling.

Maybe, in my heart of hearts, I am really a romantic and it just took someone to bring it out.  Here's to hoping that this new year is full of love, joy, happiness, romance, growth and more time with the people that are important.

With a full and happy heart,
J

      

When You Most Expect It

Something that I've over and over again since being re-single is that "love comes when you least expect it."  The more I hear it, the more annoyed I become with the phrase.  Like, REALLY annoyed.   As in, don't ever say that to me or you might get a combo side-eye, duck lip face back at you.  You're meaning to say that if I simply let go (and let God) that love will somehow find me?  *gasp*  Is it that simple?  And here I was, making it ever so complicated.

I don't think this turn of phrase is accurate.  Let me tell you why.

Sure, finding love is can be hard and complicated, but, much like anything you want to be successful at, getting into a successful relationship involves work.  Let's be honest here - you can't just sit on your couch, eat ice cream, watch repeats of all the Real Housewives franchises (i.e. my Monday nights) and expect to find love.  You have to put yourself out there, in whatever capacity that is.  And it doesn't mean there isn't an expectation of love necessarily, it's simply a willingness to allow yourself to believe in love and attempt to experience it. 

So, what does that look like?  Maybe it means you're seeking love out.  Maybe it means that you are going on dates.  Maybe it's putting a profile up on a dating website. Maybe it's letting your friends know that you're ready to meet someone.  Maybe it means that you don't shy away from talking to that cutie across the room. 

Maybe it means you try.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the idea behind the phrase.  If you are constantly looking for someone to fill a void, the right person doesn't seem to appear.  Conversely, if you fill your life with other things like friends, family, or hobbies, you find that you don't need a relationship to feel fulfilled.  Sometimes, love comes in a package you weren't anticipating. That's truth.  

But here's a critical point I feel is missing from this harsh phrase:  I think that with the self-assurance of not needing a partner comes a confidence that is exceedingly attractive.  You're focused on yourself and your happiness - you don't need someone else to provide that for you.  That's sexy.  That takes the pressure off of someone you date.  They see that as a sign of self-reliance and want to be a part of what your already full life.  

What you shouldn't expect is for Cupid to drop the love of your life at your front door.  You shouldn't expect love to come out of every date or every person you meet.  You shouldn't expect love to make you complete.

Love comes when it comes. It can blindside you or you can see it coming right for you.  It's unpredictable - that's why love is so great.

So, go ahead and expect love.  It'll come, if you're ready.

~j  

Let's Call It A Day

I've dated a few people (in case you weren't aware), but I'm not really good at remaining friends with them after the fact.  There are a couple who are an exception, but that's mainly because I was pretty good friends with them to begin with and so it wasn't weird to transition back to that afterward.  All the guys from my major relationships though?  We just don't talk. 

When there is a break-up, I need distance from the situation and that distance turns into never really talking again.  I'm positive I'm not the only one who does this either.  Honestly, I just can't fathom being close to someone I was in love with outside of a relationship.  I have to break the connection completely in order to heal and move on.  How do you remain friends with someone you cared so much for without going nuts? 

All of this talk is leading somewhere, don't worry!  See, I have this person who I dated on and off for a while, but it just never seemed to work out.  (Wait, let me rephrase that: it would NEVER work out, for a variety of reasons.)  We started kind of seeing each other when I needed a distraction from my life and he was looking for someone to listen to him.  It seemed easy.  Then it got complicated.  Feelings got involved, which I wasn't really ready for, and the circumstances surrounding the time we got to spend together started to make me a little crazy.  It just wasn't working.  After a small argument, we kind of stopped communicating. 

After a little time and a few apologizes, we seemed to pick up where we left off.  Then something happened and it ended again.  This cycle happened a few more times and it shouldn't have.  He had me on a bit of a yo-yo and I just went along with it because I thought he was important, when I should have save us both some time and ended it with finality.  Unfortunately, I cared about him, loved him too much to let it go and I would get lost in the spin again.  In hindsight, I feel like he would feel a bit needy or lonely and seek me out because I'm a little bit of a sucker.  I can't blame him for everything though, since I could have walked away or said no at any time - I just wasn't strong enough.

We tried being friends, but it seemed like he always initiated something during that friendship period.  That might have been wrong of him, but the fact is I didn't put a stop to it.

He and I haven't been around each other or even talked for a while, so I thought it was done.  Then, last week, I get a few flirty texts from him.  Later that same day, I find out that he's 'serious' with his girl.  Okay, now I'm confused.  He sends a few more texts, which I don't answer. 

Then he calls.

Guys, he wants to be friends!  He cares about me and doesn't want anything to feel weird!  He wants me to be normal around him!  Can't we just do that?

No.  No, we can't.

I had to talk about my feelings and everything y'all.  I detest that junk, but I was honest and told him that I needed some space.  I was confused about the whole situation and didn't know if I could really be around him and feel okay.  He didn't like that answer.  He reminded me that I been dating other people!  I had been doing the same thing he was!  I should just be able to do it!

The thing is, I'm not asking him to be my friend.  I'm not asking anything of him, except some distance.  I don't know what being his friend looks like.  I don't know what normal around him looks like.  I've tried both of those things only to be accused of ignoring him or being cold.  I'm not sure where to go from here and I need some time to figure that out.

After time, I'm sure that feelings dissipate, anger subsides, hurt recedes and real friendship blooms, but I'm not ready yet.  I need time.  Lots of it.  If he's unwilling to give me room to breathe, he's being completely unfair.  He wants a friendship on his terms, like he wanted a relationship on his terms.  It just doesn't work that way, guy.  It's got to be mutual, and right now, it isn't. 

~j

Can I Label You Now?

While I'm not even close to being at a stage to call anyone my boyfriend, I have a few friends that are at that awkward stage in their relationship where they have to have the dreaded DTR conversation.  Yes, they feel like it's time to define the relationship.  Are we dating?  Are we exclusively dating?  Are you my boyfriend/girlfriend?  Do we go live with this on Facebook?  Can I tweet about it?

So many questions.

You see all these movies or TV shows where the guy takes the female protagonist to some event and introduces her as his girlfriend. Naturally, she is taken aback and has a conversation with her friends like, "I didn't know he thought of me like that.  We've never discussed it!"  Secretly, though, she's written in her diary the week before how the ambiguity of the non-relationship is giving her heart palpitations and is going through various scenarios in her head on how she can bring in up "casually."

Those conversations are not easy to have.  I've been lucky in that regard, since I usually find someone I like to hang out with and it just evolves into a relationship, which sort of defines itself.  I like the simplicity of that, the natural agreement to be exclusive - there isn't a push and pull to it.  I've never had to guess where I stand and if I did, I would probably be a puddle of self-doubt and confusion and annoy all my friends. 

I'm not even sure how I would broach the topic.  I am, as I have said before, a chicken.  I would be completely incapable of talking.  I would stutter, start and stop and then probably give up.  (Confrontation isn't my strong suit.)  I would go on about my life in this are we or aren't we limbo until he says something.  And if he never said anything?  Well, as much as I'd say I would just move on or be spurred to action, I would probably just be all romantic and hopeful that we would somehow work out and be together until the end of time.  *Cut to him getting married to another chick*

Maybe there is something to this whole "definition" thing.  I've never been one to label anything, but I can understand and appreciate that some people need that definitive statement from the person they are seeing.  It makes it easier to know where you are going, if you know what exactly you are.

~j

Taylor Swift Teaches Us How NOT To Date

T. Swift pretty much has it made.  She's in the middle of a booming music career, she's young, she's pretty, she's got a good work ethic and she seems really nice.  She's kinda awesome. 

But, Taylor Swift stinks at dating.

Let's really think about it: she's 22 and has had more relationships in the past 4 years than I have had my whole life.  She moves from one guy to another and seems to hitch her heart on everyone one of them, regardless of their level of interest to her.  It's a recipe for disaster.

When you attach yourself so easily and earnestly to every guy that finds you the tiniest bit interesting, you are setting yourself up for major and consistent heartbreak that is unnecessary.  I'm not suggesting that people hold each other at arm's length all the time, but there is something to be said for actually dating someone.  You go out together and get to know each other before making a commitment with your heart.

I won't act like I haven't been guilty of getting too involved too soon, because who hasn't?  I know, however, how to back up a little bit and take it slow.  That, I think, is a crucial thing Taylor hasn't figured out yet.  In fact, she does the complete opposite.  I find her a little smothering.  Exhibit A: SHE BOUGHT A HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER NEW BOYFRIEND.  Awkward.  Who does that?  What if (read: when) you break up?  Are you just going to causally sell the house or will you still go and stay there?  Maybe you'll take your newest boyfriend there to show off to the old one. 

Taylor is famous for taking her heartaches and turning them into songs, like any modern songwriter.  While I can't fault her for that, I find the way that she does it terribly annoying.  There are thinly veiled clues to the men that she's dated in her songs.  And by thinly, I mean direct references to those guys.  There are songs that are named after a particular man.  A CD with a liner that provides hints as to who the song is about.  It's mean.  She's kind of a bully in that way.  Break up with Taylor Swift and you can bet that there will be song written about you in no time.

I'm going out on a limb and say that maybe TS is a little insecure.  She needs a guy in her life to tell her that she's pretty/smart/great/amazing.  I don't know her, of course, but it seems like this is the case.  And she's not alone in this desire - she's just doing it in front of an audience of millions.

I hope that watching how Taylor pretty much fails at dating gives young girls (and adult women, for that matter) pause to think.  You can have everything - fame, money, adoration - and still be unsure about yourself.  That lack of confidence isn't going to be resolved by having a relationship.  You don't have to give your heart away like it's a free pen at a bank.  Not every guy that pays attention to you is worthy of your time.  Your value doesn't come from having the title of girlfriend.  You're every bit as incredible as Taylor Swift is - just don't date like her.

A First Date: My Introduction to Mr. Wonderful

I know I kinda sprung being in an official relationship on everyone with very little warning, my apologies.  I didn't even write about our first few dates at all. Why?  Because those dates were, simply put, freaking awesome.  There was nothing to write about except rainbows, hearts, unicorns and googly eyes and I wanted to spare you the gushing.

I usually write about traumatic things that happen to me for comedic effect, mainly because if I wasn't laughing, I would be crying profusely and often.  The first date with Mr. Wonderful was simple, easy and, honestly, the best first date I'd ever gone on.  I even came to a great realization during the date.  Here is a little of how it went:

We had been texting for a little bit and he asked me to go to dinner.  He didn't ask me to "hang out," he actually asked me on a big kid date.  The day of the date, I wrote a blog about failing at dates (it's here, in case you missed it) because I was so exceptionally nervous.  I spent most of the morning deciding what to wear (a dress) and spent a fair part of the late afternoon deciding what to do with my unruly hair (it still looked like a hot mess).  After a day spent thinking about all the possible ways I could/was probably going to screw this date up, it was time to actually go out with him. *gulp* 

I drove over to the place we were having dinner and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  What I mean by this is my heart was beating so hard I could hear it in my ears and I LITERALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.  I sat in my car for a minute and tried to compose myself, while he texted to ask me if I was there yet. My next thought was, "Ahhhhh! This is happening. I can't breath! I'm actually going to pass out. I'm going to throw up, pass out and he's going to find me in this car, unconscious with puke all over my lap. Awesome."

After getting myself together, I walked up toward the door of the restaurant and he was standing outside.  My hands started sweating - 'at what point in my life did I get sweaty palms?!?!' - and it felt like my knees were going to start shaking.  I managed to plaster on what was probably a really awful, "Help me, I'm scared" smile and he, not missing a beat, hugged me hello.  After that hug, all my awkward, dorky nervousness disappeared and I was able to be my regular, still semi-dorky, self.

I did spend a little bit of the first part of dinner intensely studying the menu, but eventually looked up and engaged him in actual conversation.  "Hey, I can do this!  I can talk face to face to a real guy without being an idiot!"  After dinner, we hung out and kept talking, about a little of everything.  It was so comfortable, it felt like he and I had been friends for a long time.  I was enjoying myself.

At some point toward the end of the evening, he was talking and I was able to really look at him.  I have to admit, I zoned out on what he was saying (am I a boy, or what?) and just looked at him. "Huh, this guy is cute.  Have I thought that yet or was I too focused on my eyeliner running to take notice?  I think I might actually like him..."

See, what I did before this thought was something that lots of girls do: I was so caught up in getting him to like me, I didn't stop to think if I liked him.  Shouldn't it be about figuring out if the other person is good for us, not the other way around?  Why did it take me nearly 30 years to figure that out?  Life would have been way simpler if I had learned that lesson before.

Anyway, you all know how the end of the story goes - a few more dates, a week away and then I have a real, live boyfriend.  If only everything was this easy.

~j


   

What Happens When I Take A Chance

I have a boyfriend. 

(Again.)

Let me preface this relationship update with a story about how I got to this point:

When I started this blog, I told myself I was going to try things I wouldn't have normally.  I was going to allow myself to break out of this little shell I've created.  I was going to give new people a chance.  I was going to really have fun. 

I was lying.

My heart was still healing from my break-up and I never gave myself time to process.  Instead, I threw myself headfirst into a sea of confusing dating rituals - the kind I never had gotten a handle on in the first place.  Bad move?  Maybe, but the funny thing is I learned something.

I met a great guy (Mr. Wonderful) a few weeks ago.  He's smart, sweet, kind, determined and likes all my annoying quirks...well, he likes them now anyway.  I kinda kept myself from liking him as much as I felt like I did because there was a part of me that felt like I didn't deserve having someone that awesome in my life.  I had a lot to do before I was good enough for him, so I kept him at arm's length as much as I could.

And the idea I wasn't good enough extended far beyond Mr. Wonderful, into other parts of my life that affected how I felt about nearly everything.

Then God spoke truth in my life.

I went on a trip with some teens for my church and God used every moment to remind me that what I was allowing myself to have was so much less than what He wanted for me.  I was settling for a life that could be made great, if I would simply trust that He made wonderfully and He never makes mistakes.  He was constantly trying to bless me and I was too ashamed to let Him, too scared to acknowledge the amazing things He is continuously doing in and through me.  God made me good enough for anything, for everything and His love will see me through all things.

Whoa.  My mind was blown.  I was pushing away everything that God was giving me - job opportunities, new responsibilities, the kindness of my friends and family - because I didn't think I was deserving, and yet, He thought I was.  He thinks I am.

So, why not take this chance and allow someone good, generous and kind to come into my life, especially when we have so much fun together?  If it does work (and, ever the optimist, I hope it does), then I haven't lost anything.  If it doesn't, surely I will learn something from it and be better for it.

Don't worry - I'm not going to stop blogging, but I'm sure it's going to change a little bit.  Hopefully you guys will stick around and see "What Happens When I Have A Boyfriend."

With affection,
J 

   

Theories on Why I Don't Get Asked on Dates

(Ed's Note: I have gotten asked out occasionally, so please do not feel that sorry for me.  I am not a cat lady...yet.)

I would like to think that I'm a pretty pleasant person, for the most part.  I smile, tip decently, talk to strangers (the non-creepy ones, obvs), can be charming and am generally upbeat.  If I like a guy and he seems interested, and he says something like, "Going to [insert hipstery locale/artsy event/baseball game here] is lots of fun," I respond with, "Oh, yeah, that does sound like fun!"  And I wait....and wait...and wait, but the invitation never comes.  Huh.  Dating - I'm not doing it right.

So, what am I doing wrong here?  I am agreeable to an outing and all signs point to this person being interested romantically, yet nothing happens. 

Contemplating my dateless lead to going through all the phases of fixation:
1. Denying there is a problem
2. Blaming him because he's a boy and, therefore, a dumdum
3. Could it be me? Was I too over-eager?  Was I not eager enough?
4. I hate the word eager; it just sounds questionable
5. It's definitely me
6. Should I just ask him to do something?  Is that emasculating or feminist?
7. *Heartburn*
8. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
9. *Diet Pepsi coma/Real Housewives marathon*

I was delving into the abyss of self-loathing when a miraculous thing happened.

Another single lady I know told me she was having the same problem, in fact, many of her friends were.  Aha!  I'm not alone!  I heard stories of women having intense phone conversations, emails, texts and/or Facebook friendships in which a date never materialized.  I know what you're thinking, "maybe that guy just wasn't that into you*."  Rest assured in many of these instances that was not the case.  Some of these guys who had been pursuing us had been pretty vocal about their intentions and still didn't ask us out.  How is this possible?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not as obvious as I think I am.  I don't want to play all fast and loose (duh), but putting a little emphasis on wanting to see someone won't kill me.  I need to be more vocal about my attraction to the potential date, without being too, how do I say this delicately?, sluttastic.  Maybe this will give the suitor that little extra confidence he needs to ask me to dinner!

If that's not the reason I'm not getting asked on dates, there are a few alternate ideas I have come up with:
A.  I am so overwhelmingly beautiful that dudes are too scared to ask  (Probability: 1 in 10,000)
B.  I smell like a Deadliest Catch cast member (Typical Probability: 1 in 250,000, Probability after a run: 1 in 25)
C. Every man I meet is gay. (Probability: 1 in 3,000)
D.  I could just come off as a mega jerk and guys don't want to ask because they're afraid they'll hear some sarcastic comment and then get blown off.  (Probability: 1 in 10)
E.  Who knows?  Men are complicated creatures and I will never know why they do what they do, even if I get blessed with a son. (Probability: 1 in 2)

~J

You're Not Who I Thought You Were

Like many other single neurotic women my age, reflecting on past relationships is one of my  favorite pastimes.  It's our baseball.  I go over critical moments and try to break them down to figure out what went wrong, piece by piece.  Maybe I was wrong to be so stubborn.  Could I have been more understanding?  Was it the fact that he was a complete and total jerkface?

I always end up coming back to the fact that it didn't work out because the person wasn't who I thought they were and, therefore, we weren't going to work.  Maybe we weren't as similar as I thought we were or they actually hated my horrendous laugh instead of feeling it was endearing or they like Kirsten Dunst movies and our relationship wasn't strong enough to overcome that.  That's the point of dating - to figure out of this is the person for you.  (Let me tell you, if you listen to Nickleback or aren't supportive of my Diet Pepsi addiction, we have no staying power, no matter how awesome you may appear to be.)

We didn't last because they were different than I thought they were going to be.  They aren't what I thought they were.

But really, how true is that?  I've never dated anyone who downplayed their faults, so where is the disconnect?   

In talking to one of my best friends, I came across the idea that maybe the problem comes from trying to be understanding.  You build a connection with someone and grow to care for them, so the first time that you see them be a little rude to someone or commit some other minor infraction, you overlook it as long as it isn't a major dealbreaker.  You spend more time with them, start to love them and then when you see something else that make you think, "Hmmm...I'm not sure about that," but you overlook that too, because you are in love.

Then you overlook the next thing and the next and the next, then when a HUGE problem comes along, a giant RED FLAG (*Warning! Warning! Danger ahead!*), you're so deep into the relationship you let it go because you're enmeshed.  You overlooked one issue, so what is one more?  You don't want to lose this person because you've grown attached to them, even though you can see it isn't going to end well.  They aren't the person for you, but you aren't ready to hear that yet. 

It isn't that they've changed, it's that you let so many things you have a problem with slide.  Instead of guarding and protecting your heart (Copyright: Crazy Kasey Kahl), you jumped in and forgave things you wouldn't have otherwise because your feelings were so involved.

I'm not saying that forgiving some faults is bad, in fact, it's crucial.  What I am saying is that if someone you are dating does something that is an affront to you, it's okay to end it.  It's okay to be careful.  It's okay to fast-forward a little bit and realize that you're boyfriend's habit of not texting back, inability to say thank you or refusal to tip more than 8% will be a problem you just can't get over.  It's okay to see that the person you love right now isn't necessarily the person that you're going to marry.

It's okay to end a dating relationship if you want.  Don't be scared about it; if that person isn't for you that's not going to change because you overlook one thing or forgive another.  It's just not.  Keep looking - instead of staying with a person who annoys you, look for the person whose annoying tendencies are just a part of their charm.  They're out there.

~j