Ways I Fail at Dates: Vol. 3

Well, I've successfully gotten someone else to ask me out.  I know!  It's crazy, right?  I'm not exactly sure how I'm doing it, although I'm fairly sure it has to do with my clear awesomeness and extra humility.  Either that or he's feeling lonely and doesn't want to spend another Friday night alone, eating Ben and Jerry's and listening to the new Taylor Swift album on repeat.

In these pre-date moments, I usually pull back the curtain and show you guys my neurotic brain processes.  (I wrote about other ways I fail at dates here and here, in case you missed them!)  Don't worry, I'm going to do that today, but I also want to assure you kids that I'm going into the date like I go into life: with my head down and attempting to not make any sudden movements.  (Kidding!  I'll be delightful, smiley and semi self-effacing, like usual.)

I don't know how this one is going to go - I've been talking to this guy on and off for a few weeks and this is the first time that our schedules have aligned.  Maybe all this waiting let us get to know either other better - to be honest, I'm not nervous in the least.  This either makes me jaded or just confident in the fact that he knows me and is still interested after all this time.  We'll see how it goes!  (And by that, I mean I'll write about it on Monday.  You're welcome in advance.)

Now, on to the important stuff - here's a few more ways I fail at dates:

Attempted Seriousness

We all know I'm not a serious kind of person.  I mean, I know HOW to be serious and the importance of a true heart to heart conversation, but it just isn't my sweet spot.  (Yes, I have made a mental note to work on that, thankyouverymuch.)  I love to make people laugh and enjoy time spent with people where we talk about light-hearted things.  When the conversation moves out of these bounds, especially on the first few dates, I fall apart.

Like, how serious is this conversation going to get?  How much should I reveal?  I don't want to put all my business on the table, but I also want to give enough so it feels like I'm sharing.  I've never been good at gauging that kind of stuff on dates.  I think it's the first or second date jitters combined with my inability to understand men.   

And I tend to get competitive in serious stories.  Things like: "Oh, you broke your wrist in college? Well, I had to have emergency surgery and my parents had to drive 7 hours to get to the hospital." and "Oh, you had trouble in school? Well, I didn't. At all.  In fact, I had a 4.0 in grad school."  How frightfully unattractive.  I'm going to try not to do that today.

Dorkiness

I'm not a supreme dork.  I haven't seen all the Star Wars movies, I don't watch Doctor Who (I just don't get it!), I'm not sure what a Battlestar Galatica or a Cosplay is and I don't read graphic novels.  I do, however, speak in weird accents, get geeked out over certain TV shows, have a clumsy streak and snort when I laugh.  I'm kinda a dork...just a liiiiiitttllllee bit.  I know that you should be authentic during dates, but maybe I shouldn't reveal that I wikipedia every 'The Walking Dead' character, just yet.

Over-Agreeableness

I just took a personality profile that told me that my highest trait was being "agreeable."  Not to prove it's point, but I'm agreeable to that assessment.  I tend to go with the flow.  Some people might see this as being indecisive, but I view it as the ability to have a good time, no matter what I'm doing.  (And I'm crap at making decisions.)

Usually, this is a good thing, but occasionally, it gets me into trouble.  I agree to second dates where we're shooting giant guns or I say something dumb like, "Oh, sure! Bungee jumping sounds SO fun!  And so does diving with sharks! And so does all the ridiculously awful things you're suggesting we do sometime because they are 'adventurous'!"  BUNGEE JUMPING DOES NOT SOUND LIKE FUN.  I don't want my body attached to a glorified rubber band and then hurdle myself off of a perfectly good bridge in hopes that it snaps me back from the brink of death.  This is being TOO agreeable.  I need to learn to give myself boundaries.  I need to learn how to shut up!  

And for future reference, I'm not a thrill-seeker.  I am a mug of hot chocolate, blanket and comfy couch seeker.  I am a local band concert, followed by a hamburger seeker.  I am a funny movie and slice of pizza seeker - just to clear that up.

~j



 

First (and Maybe Last) Impressions

First off, I know many of you are wondering how my date last night went.  (Okay, like, three of you.)  If I'm being honest, I'm not sure about how it went.  I had a little nervous chatter before the date (evidence of which can be found on Twitter), but I sucked it up.  The date itself was great.  We talked and laughed and I really did enjoy myself and felt comfortable, but I don't know how he felt.  Oh, sweet mystery of life!  I could just ask him, however I'd rather fixate and make myself crazy. 

For some, the whole joy of dating is the excitement and anticipation of the first date.

Forget. That.   

First dates are nerve-wracking, sometime uncomfortable and a source for my increasingly present heartburn.  My butterflies somehow turn into bats.  What would have been a cute gesture turns into an awkward hand motion that knocks my drink onto his pants. I snort and sneeze like a machine gun and laugh entirely too hard/loud.  Food lodges itself in my teeth with inextractable force.  I start to tell a story I think is funny and forget the humorous part, so it just turns into a tale about how I was made fun of in grade school and woe is me.  While listening to my date, I zone out thinking about how I look at this precise moment and tune back in after he asks a question, which I will inevitably answer incorrectly.  I just want to get the first date over with, because then there is a possible second date where I can feel a bit more relaxed.

I have to admit, I might exaggerate a little about my nervousness for comedic effort, but I really was jittery yesterday.  I really did have a little bit of a freak out in the minutes leading up to actually going into the restaurant. I'm not sure what caused my anxiety, because, as it turns out, everything went just fine.  I was, as many people suggested, just myself and nothing went terribly wrong.  I can't ask for much more than that.

~j

Ways I Fail at Dates: Vol. 2

Well, I have somehow tricked someone into asking me on a date.  I'm exceptionally nervous because this guy is a little older and pretty much has his life together, while I'm still trying to figure everything out.  I wrote a while ago about the ways I fail at dates and we all know how I like to over think everything, so I extended the list.  Here is the addendum:

Intensity
There are certain things that I get really intense about when I discuss them.  And sometimes those things are kind of unimportant.  And sometimes that comes off as being a little bit crazy.  I mean, just a little bit, not like boil your kid's rabbit crazy, but like, "Whoa, if she's this amped up just talking about this movie, I wonder what she'll be like about something that actually matters."  You either really like that (chances: 1 in 10,000) or you don't (chances: everyone else).  There is a fine line between being passionate and being fanatical.

Over-Sensitivity
We all know that I am just a wee bit sensitive.  Sometimes someone can say something completely unrelated to me and I take it personally.  This means bad news when it comes to dating.  For instance, if someone makes a comment about my completely ridiculous loud laugh, I worry that it's annoying, try not to laugh for the rest of the night, then all my dates substandard jokes (in comparison to mine, of course) fall flat, then no one is having fun anymore, then my date goes home thinking, "What just happened?" and then I'm still alone.  (Sidenote: That was the greatest run-on sentence I've ever written.  Let's take a moment of reflection for it.)  This oversensitivity is often complimented by my:

Self-Consciousness
I'm a pretty confident person about many things, but, like most girls, I do worry that I don't measure up physically.  This issue is exacerbated by a first date. 

Here is an excerpt from my brain during a date:  What does my hair look like?  Am I talking to much about my love for Diet Pepsi and/or Downton Abbey and/or ballet flats and/or cardigans?  Is the pimple that somehow grew out of my chin overnight still covered by the entire stick of concealer I used?  Oh, oh, oh - is he looking at the pimple now? I can't talk, cause if I do my chin will move and then the pimple will be more obvious.  What did he just ask?  Maybe I'll just take another bite of this food and buy some time.  And, of course the food would fall down my shirt.  Of course.  

And that, my friends, is only the beginning.

Maybe what I'll focus on is the fact that I was so naturally charming that this guy asked me out.  ON PURPOSE.  I'm not sure you're taking the journey with me, so let me repeat - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT BE MY DELIGHTFUL SELF and he asked me out.  He's clearly a genius and has incredible taste.  He likes me already, I don't have to go in and try to win him over.  The battle is already won - now I just have to translate that in a one-on-one atmosphere. 

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to cover up a pimple and find a paper bag to breathe in.

~j

What Happens When I Take A Chance

I have a boyfriend. 

(Again.)

Let me preface this relationship update with a story about how I got to this point:

When I started this blog, I told myself I was going to try things I wouldn't have normally.  I was going to allow myself to break out of this little shell I've created.  I was going to give new people a chance.  I was going to really have fun. 

I was lying.

My heart was still healing from my break-up and I never gave myself time to process.  Instead, I threw myself headfirst into a sea of confusing dating rituals - the kind I never had gotten a handle on in the first place.  Bad move?  Maybe, but the funny thing is I learned something.

I met a great guy (Mr. Wonderful) a few weeks ago.  He's smart, sweet, kind, determined and likes all my annoying quirks...well, he likes them now anyway.  I kinda kept myself from liking him as much as I felt like I did because there was a part of me that felt like I didn't deserve having someone that awesome in my life.  I had a lot to do before I was good enough for him, so I kept him at arm's length as much as I could.

And the idea I wasn't good enough extended far beyond Mr. Wonderful, into other parts of my life that affected how I felt about nearly everything.

Then God spoke truth in my life.

I went on a trip with some teens for my church and God used every moment to remind me that what I was allowing myself to have was so much less than what He wanted for me.  I was settling for a life that could be made great, if I would simply trust that He made wonderfully and He never makes mistakes.  He was constantly trying to bless me and I was too ashamed to let Him, too scared to acknowledge the amazing things He is continuously doing in and through me.  God made me good enough for anything, for everything and His love will see me through all things.

Whoa.  My mind was blown.  I was pushing away everything that God was giving me - job opportunities, new responsibilities, the kindness of my friends and family - because I didn't think I was deserving, and yet, He thought I was.  He thinks I am.

So, why not take this chance and allow someone good, generous and kind to come into my life, especially when we have so much fun together?  If it does work (and, ever the optimist, I hope it does), then I haven't lost anything.  If it doesn't, surely I will learn something from it and be better for it.

Don't worry - I'm not going to stop blogging, but I'm sure it's going to change a little bit.  Hopefully you guys will stick around and see "What Happens When I Have A Boyfriend."

With affection,
J 

   

Ways I Fail At Dates: Vol. 1

I am going on an actual date tonight, with a real, live boy.  Since this is the first one I've had in a while, I starting thinking about the ways I could possibly mess it up (natch).  I'm usually a big advocate of positive self-talk, but since I'm dusting off the old dating chops, I went into crisis mode.  What do I wear?  What if I'm wearing too much make-up/perfume/hairspray?  What if I'm not wearing enough make-up/perfume/hairspray? And so on.

I made a list of the possible (read: probable) ways I could fail at this date.  My hope is by identifying them, I can avoid them or something like that.

Being Annoying:
Sometimes I pay more attention to my phone than other people.  Sometimes I am a jerk.  Sometimes I crunch ice.  Sometimes I laugh too loud, at things that weren't that funny.  Sometimes (okay, okay, all the time) I talk too loudly.

Conversation Issues:
Sometimes I use too many words. Sometimes I don't use enough words.  Sometimes the words I use are too much like an SAT prep class.  Sometimes I trail off in the middle of a thought.

Eating Habits:
Sometimes I eat like someone is going to steal the plate from me.  Sometimes I drop food all over myself.  Sometimes I burp so loudly, people in the next county ask what that noise was.

Nerd Tendencies:
Sometimes I talk about library issues that no one but librarians care about.  Sometimes I go in depth about some random movie trivia.  Sometimes I bring up the fact I was a hopeless dresser in junior high and high school.  Sometimes I discuss my love of first-person shooters.  Sometimes I am Andrea Zuckerman.

Hipster-Related Snobbishness:
Sometimes I scoff at people's musical preferences.  (One thing: I'm saying RIGHT NOW that Nickleback is excluded from this section, because NO ONE should like Nickleback and liking/listening to them is a total and complete dealbreaker.)  Sometimes I think something that someone is watching is too mainstream.  Sometimes I talk too much about Tom's/organic food/indie band/arthouse movies.

Whew.  I'm sure there are more than this, since I'm inept at dating and all.  Let's all hope I can avoid these and come out of this date unscathed.

~j