Single Girl Syndrome

I am a part of a generation that is cynical.  We question everything.  We want to see what people's intentions really are, how far they are willing to go for us.  In relationships it translates into something we might expect from a romantic comedy.  We're waiting for the one that gives us the "big gesture", proof that we're worth someone going to extreme lengths for us.  A part of me wants someone to do something outrageous and, yet. I don't.  I think I've figured out where I'm going wrong here...

I've had a few boyfriends over the years and not a single one of them has done anything over the top for me.  There could be a lot of reasons for this: 1. They're idiots (in some cases, likely), 2. I don't deserve it (HIGHLY UNLIKELY, as I am worth my weight in platinum), 3. They weren't inclined to do those things (pretty likely) or 4. I laughed off all their attempts at being cute/sweet/romantical (ding, ding, ding!).

Don't get me wrong, I love love.  I love seeing old couples smiling at each other and holding wrinkly hands.  I love my married friends who appreciate each other.  I love seeing people fall in love.  I love the whole thing!  It melts my frozen, hard heart.  What I'm not good at though, is accepting those declarations of love or affection.  It could be a cultural phenomenon for aspiring hipsters such as myself, but I find myself laughing off those really sweet, sincere acts from guys.  (Yes, I'm that skeptical of someone doing something nice for me.)  Hello!  If I do that, these guys aren't going to want to try to make me feel special again.  Duhz.  Just say thank you for Pete Campbell's* sake.

I know I'm not alone here.  I call it Single Girl Syndrome.  I, like many other women, talk myself into believing certain things, because thinking that way is easier.  I say, "Ugh, flowers are such a waste of money," even though I would love to get some.  I say, "Oh, we don't have to make [insert important occasion] a big deal," when I want it to be the biggest deal ever.  I say, "You can't make it? Oh, no worries," and proceed to have a meltdown because I was looking forward to whatever we planned on doing.  We say these things because we don't want to be disappointed, but what's wrong with a little expectation?  A little hope?  A little belief in love? 

Instead of accepting the attention, I toss it away.  Instead of saying what I mean, I try to buffer my feelings.  In an effort to self-perserve, I act like I didn't really care about it.  I'm not being honest with myself or other people.

I'm officially making a stand against this way of thinking today.  Feel free to buy me flowers or tell me I'm beautiful, boys.  I'll just smile my best Miss America smile and say thank you, because, well, I deserve your attention.

~J

*Mad Men reference. If you're not watching the show, you should. If you don't like it, I'm not sure why we're friends.  

Not Really Taking My Own Advice

I'm good at giving advice.  I won't say that I'm usually right, but I'm usually right.  But, in fairness, it's totally easily to fix other people's problem, isn't it?  You have distance, aren't emotionally involved and can categorically say what you think without hesitation.  I caution friends to take their time getting serious, to stop fixating on what isn't a problem, to let things run their course, to be themselves.  I have clarity with their issues.  But my own dilemmas?  Not so much.

One of my best friends told me that I wasn't going to be happy with the kind of guy that I'm looking for.  He went on to say that I'm always interested in really conservative guys and those guys aren't interested in me, because I'm not so conservative and I wouldn't be happy with them in the long run.  Whoa.  Could it be true?  I am sabotaging myself?

Now, I'm not a radical or anything, but I'm not uptight either.  I like to be silly, have fun and not take things too seriously.  Guys I usually end up dating are so buttoned up and stoic, they don't understand fun me.  They're missing the best part of my personality - I'm upbeat and goofy, who could not love that, I ask you?  (Answer:  Many, many folks.  Some people are just so touchy.) 

My friend is right, but why couldn't I see that earlier?  If I was looking at someone else in my position, I would tell her to wait and the right person, who not only gets her quirkiness and flair but appreciates it, will come along.  You shouldn't have to fit in a box, meet certain requirements or fill in enough boxes on a checklist to make someone like you, they should like you because you are you. <- Saying that is easy, learning that is the hard part. 

Who Am I Anyway?

I turned in my final school assignment yesterday, for my last class.  Ever.  For 25 years, I have been in school.  That's been my identity - a student.  And now, with the submission of that final final, I'm done.  That's it.  The chapter that's encompassed a bulk of my life and the entirety of my adult life is over.  I'm feeling a little sentimental about school now, of course, but I'm certainly thrilled to be done. I won't have to stay home to work on a paper or stay up late to prep a thesis, all my time is for me! For things I want to do! But what, exactly, do I want to do? I have no idea. Outside of school, I don't do much else besides eat (awesomely), sing (semi-okay) and run (badly). Maybe I'll audition for The Voice and make Adam Lavine fall in love with me...

So, if I'm no longer a student, then who am I?

I know I'm being a little existential here, but it lead me down a train of thought that I couldn't stop.  I mean, should you even be defined by what you do or what your hobbies are anyway?  Probably not, but in this period of transition I'm suffocating myself with introspection.  It's not pretty.  

What does this mean for my dating life (or lack thereof)?  I've heard on numerous occasions that you need to know yourself before you start to date anyone, but I'm left to wonder if that's true.  What's wrong with figuring yourself out while your dating?  I'm not going to change intrinsically; as Popeye says, I am who I am, but what if I figure out that I love to square dance?  Or to competitively bass fish?  Couldn't the person I'm dating grow to understand my new love of knitting or canning vegetables?

I would think that if someone can tolerate enjoys my robust personality, loud laugh, long, winding (and nearly unending) stories, occasional flatulence, love of tacos, addiction to Diet Pepsi and propensity to cry, they could handle me suddenly wanting to become an expert scrapbooker or fluent in Flemish.  I'm just going to count on that and start to figure out who this Jeana the Graduate person is.  (Spoiler alert: She's going to be more awesome...if it's possible.) 

Keep Your Clothes On: An Argument Against Dirty Texts

2012 is making everyone lose their minds.  It could be that this has been brewing for a while and is just now an issue.  Alternatively, I could blame the invention of the camera phone.  Whatever it is, I'm taking this moment to declare that I, Jeana, do not want your sexts.

That's right gentlemen (and I use that term, very, very, very loosely), I do not want pictures for your half or fully naked bodies.  I am not interested in seeing you in your birthday suit.  I am not interested in viewing your six-pack.  I do not want to know "what you're workin' wit."  I am not going to tell you what I'm wearing.  I am not going to discuss anything of a sexual nature with you.  I don't know you.  I probably wouldn't even tell you what I'm drinking (answer: Diet Pepsi.  It's always Diet Pepsi.) or eating, much less show you any part of my body that is typically covered by my uniform of dress pants and a gently used cardigan.

But, seriously, what gives?  Is this what we've regressed to?  I want to have a conversation with you, get to know you.  I want to know if you grew up here, if you have siblings or a pet, if you are as much of a music nerd as I am.  I want to find out if we're compatible, not if you have a tattoo on or around your naughty bits.

The fact that these men I have a causal acquaintance with are sending very personal pictures is, at the very least, disconcerting.  Moreover, there are women that engage in this very activity.  I'm just going to assume that these guys were hoping I would return the favor.  Someone please explain to me why anyone would think that I would gladly take a picture of all of this *hands waving all over myself* and send it to a person I've had very little interaction with.  Please, tell me.  I wouldn't, for that matter, send anything to anyone I knew well!  It's just dumb.  It's a bad policy.  Women and girls who engage in this behavior need to be weary - it's not going to work out well.

And if you happen to send me a dirty text, you'll probably get this picture in return:

~J

 

XBox and the Single Girl

As I get older I'm aging out of certain crowds.  Places I used to love to go to are full of annoying kids now.  At one time, I was (obviously) one of those annoying kids and now I'm complaining about them.  Music is too loud, people are too rude and girls don't wear enough clothing.  Now, please excuse me while I take my Metamucil and go to Denny's for the early bird special, because I'm clearly geriatric.  

The gap between where I am and where most 25 year old guys are is huge.  Staggering even.  Meathead is about this age.  Again, he's not exactly what I'm looking for, but he seems like a nice enough guy.  (He's also not too bad on the ol' peepers either.)  I was giving him a chance to win over my cold, decaying heart, because I'm a equal opportunity dater these days - you know, for the sake of the blog. 

Anyhow, during a text conversation* he mentioned that he wished we could hang out.  I said, and I quote, "That may be cool."  Sure, I was a little detached, but I didn't want him to lose his often-wandering train of thought.  He then asked me if I would like to hang out ("Sure, that sounds like fun."), what I would like to do ("Um, well, something fun?"), if I wanted to see him (Didn't I just answer that? "Sure, why not?"), if I would be okay with a casual date (Seriously? *le sigh* "Yup. I am a causal kinda of girl.") and finally if I would like to watch him play XBox.  I'm going to repeat that again, just to let you really take the journey with me - not play XBox WITH him, but WATCH him play.  Just sit and watch.  Are all 25 year olds like this?

This is me, owning a game.

Um, I'm sorry sir, but what?  I couldn't have read that text correctly.  Did you really just ask me if I would like to watch you play video games?? What kind of alternate universe have I stepped into?  I responded that I would most likely not watch him, but I might play with him.  He seemed to be astounded by this notion.  Has no girl ever shown an interest in playing before?  This girl likes first person shooters.  This girl is the master of Halo 2.  This girl knows Tekken and Mortal Combat like the back of her hand.  This girl does not want to sit and watch, I want to play.

The differences between Meathead and I became glaringly obvious about this time, extending far beyond our respective ages.  It could be possible that certain women just love sitting and watching their boyfriend play Modern Warfare (Please don't let this be true.  Please.), but that's just not me.  I want to involved.  I want to be an active participant, not an observer.  That's the whole reason I'm trying new things, dating different kinds people, taking on new responsibilities - I want to present and engaged.  I want to experience life with someone, not watch them live their life.

I eventually just stopped responding to Meathead's texts and he stopped sending them.  Either he got the idea or he got into a wicked Call of Duty session and hasn't come up for air.  Totally possible.

~J

*Yes, a whole conversation in text.  And he's fully capable of calling.  What is happening to the youth of America, I ask you?

I Guess I Need to Break Up With My Passwords Too

I went to sign into Amazon yesterday and realized my password was a variation of the nickname of a ex-boyfriend from almost three years ago.  Now, I go to Amazon often (honesty moment: way too often), but somehow I just noticed this.  How did I go this long and not change that password?  Maybe it was just easy to remember.  Maybe I got lazy and didn't want to update it.  Maybe I was hoping I wouldn't have to change it.  Whatever the reason, he and I obviously aren't together anymore and it's kinda of a bummer to be reminded of him when I go to sign in to buy a One Direction cool, hipster album.

Afterward, I began to do an inventory of my passwords - all 4,000 of them.  It seems that I have a bit of a habit of using ex-boyfriend's names, nicknames, dog's names and/or street names for things.  In a fit of rage at myself, I changed all of them.  This means 2 things: 1. I rid myself of all the daily reminders of my exes I've collected over my adult dating life and 2. I won't be able to log into my Netflix, emails, Twitter, Facebook and about 1/2 dozen other things because I can't remember the new password.  

There is always a cleansing after a break-up, especially a major one.  We take down pictures, delete phone numbers, emails and texts, defriend or unfollow try to keep that person from popping up in our minds.  That's probably the worst part: all the things that we've gathered over time in joy become reminders of our failures.  It could be sad, and it often is, but it has to be done in order to move on.  Right?  

Even though I'm dusting off the remnants of relationships gone south, I still have the hope that someday I'll be able to fill those areas with memories of someone new.  Someone whose nickname I can make a password that I won't have to change...ever.

~J  

A Difficult Woman

My officemate is a riot and I couldn't be luckier to have her around.  She makes going into work fun. Originally from the Philippines, she has all kinds of fun things to say about the single life I haven't heard before.  The other day she told me something that I've been marinating on: there is a saying where she is from, if a person isn't married by the time that they're 30, they are either a difficult woman or they are gay.  I found this very, very interesting. 

Just to rule things out, I know I'm not gay. 

So, that leaves the other, more heinous, option - that I am a difficult woman. 

Could this be true?   In the states, it's not unusual for a woman to still be single at my age.  We are told to be picky, to be selective, that we deserve more than settling for someone, but when does the weeding of potential suitors become detrimental?

Some friends of mine have lists of things that their partner must or must not have/do.  Some of the lists are quite extensive.  It isn't surprising that they are still single!  (I mean, really how many Hispanic engineerers between the ages of 27-35 who work out frequently who have a house/condo, but no children are you going to find?  Really.)  They only talk to those type of guys, leaving out whole segments of the dating population.  Hello!  There are perfectly nice, quality men outside of those boundaries!  (Don't ask me where they are though, cause I still haven't found out.)

As for me, I'm a little more realistic.  You can't judge anyone based on their "stats."  (Lord knows I don't want to be judged on mine.)  I'm simple.  I have a list of things the person I date can't do: no drugs, no illegal activities, no abusive tendencies.  I have a list of things the person I date must have: a job, a stable life, a kind heart.  Everything else is debatable.  It's more of a "can I deal with this habit/minor (or major) annoyance?" once we get to know each other, which is the whole purpose of dating, isn't it?  Does this make me difficult?  I don't think so.

So, if I'm not too difficult and I'm not gay, what gives?  Maybe I'm more difficult than I think...