I've dated a few people (in case you weren't aware), but I'm not really good at remaining friends with them after the fact. There are a couple who are an exception, but that's mainly because I was pretty good friends with them to begin with and so it wasn't weird to transition back to that afterward. All the guys from my major relationships though? We just don't talk.
When there is a break-up, I need distance from the situation and that distance turns into never really talking again. I'm positive I'm not the only one who does this either. Honestly, I just can't fathom being close to someone I was in love with outside of a relationship. I have to break the connection completely in order to heal and move on. How do you remain friends with someone you cared so much for without going nuts?
All of this talk is leading somewhere, don't worry! See, I have this person who I dated on and off for a while, but it just never seemed to work out. (Wait, let me rephrase that: it would NEVER work out, for a variety of reasons.) We started kind of seeing each other when I needed a distraction from my life and he was looking for someone to listen to him. It seemed easy. Then it got complicated. Feelings got involved, which I wasn't really ready for, and the circumstances surrounding the time we got to spend together started to make me a little crazy. It just wasn't working. After a small argument, we kind of stopped communicating.
After a little time and a few apologizes, we seemed to pick up where we left off. Then something happened and it ended again. This cycle happened a few more times and it shouldn't have. He had me on a bit of a yo-yo and I just went along with it because I thought he was important, when I should have save us both some time and ended it with finality. Unfortunately, I cared about him, loved him too much to let it go and I would get lost in the spin again. In hindsight, I feel like he would feel a bit needy or lonely and seek me out because I'm a little bit of a sucker. I can't blame him for everything though, since I could have walked away or said no at any time - I just wasn't strong enough.
We tried being friends, but it seemed like he always initiated something during that friendship period. That might have been wrong of him, but the fact is I didn't put a stop to it.
He and I haven't been around each other or even talked for a while, so I thought it was done. Then, last week, I get a few flirty texts from him. Later that same day, I find out that he's 'serious' with his girl. Okay, now I'm confused. He sends a few more texts, which I don't answer.
Then he calls.
Guys, he wants to be friends! He cares about me and doesn't want anything to feel weird! He wants me to be normal around him! Can't we just do that?
No. No, we can't.
I had to talk about my feelings and everything y'all. I detest that junk, but I was honest and told him that I needed some space. I was confused about the whole situation and didn't know if I could really be around him and feel okay. He didn't like that answer. He reminded me that I been dating other people! I had been doing the same thing he was! I should just be able to do it!
The thing is, I'm not asking him to be my friend. I'm not asking anything of him, except some distance. I don't know what being his friend looks like. I don't know what normal around him looks like. I've tried both of those things only to be accused of ignoring him or being cold. I'm not sure where to go from here and I need some time to figure that out.
After time, I'm sure that feelings dissipate, anger subsides, hurt recedes and real friendship blooms, but I'm not ready yet. I need time. Lots of it. If he's unwilling to give me room to breathe, he's being completely unfair. He wants a friendship on his terms, like he wanted a relationship on his terms. It just doesn't work that way, guy. It's got to be mutual, and right now, it isn't.
~j
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