The Grass Isn't Always Greener

Today's blog entry is special!  It's written by my friend Sam, who I have known since high school.  He is funny, energetic, sweet, gregarious and adorable, but he's having some trouble in the dating world too.  He is a reminder that I'm not the only single person out there (even though it seems like it sometimes) and dating isn't easier just because you happen to have a Y chromosome.  I hope you enjoy Sam's thoughts as much as I did! 

Here's what Sam has to say today:

Dating in the straight world is hard, but take it from me, a card-carrying citizen of Gay Town, dating among gay men is just as brutal. It takes just as much dedication, openness, vulnerability and patience as dating among the heterosexuals. Just like our straight brethren, we gays also go on bad dates, make silly jokes and wonder why our date isn’t laughing, and meet people who look good on paper but turn out to be complete jerks.

Recently, though, I was reminded of one key element in gay relationships that I believe to be different than in heterosexual relationships: men are extremely visual. I believe men scrutinize a woman’s appearance, body, hair, face, etc., but I believe women are generally a little more forgiving of a less-than-perfect male physique. With gay men, though, there are two men sizing each other up, and in my experience it is less likely that gay men are as forgiving as our female counterparts to pardon someone who falls somewhere south of an Adonis.

Several gay men want a guy who is, at worst, a 9 out of 10. Many gay men want a tall, broad, muscular stud with biceps for days, six pack abs, and toned butt cheeks that can crack walnuts. There’s no room for body fat, and by gum, you better wear clothes that cling to and accentuate every inch of that glorious body. In short, the body reigns supreme. If you have jacked up teeth and serve stank face but your body is a perfect 10, many guys will date you for your body alone. I can’t tell you how many Butterfaces I’ve seen getting hit on by other guys simply because of their chiseled physique.

Now this idea that gay men are extremely visual is nothing shocking. I’ve always known that men are visual. I am too. I mean, you have to at least have some sort of visual attraction to the person, or at least that’s my experience. But a quick look at some of the people I’ve dated over the years shows I’m not discriminatory of a good looking gentleman who has a little extra loving on his body.

However, the days of my youth are limited and I am now facing challenges that I never had to worry about previously. Most recently, I learned that my body was the challenge standing in the way of a date with a certain someone.

I used to have a slight crush on a guy whom we’ll call C, and he happens to work at the same salon where I get my haircut. I was making my regular visit to my stylist, Rigo, and the subject came up that I used to have a crush on C. Little did I know, Rigo, armed with the knowledge of my former crush was going to play matchmaker after I left the salon. A few hours after I left, I got a text message from C saying that he honestly loves being single but he would like to be great friends. At this point in time, the text message was completely out of the blue, but I just replied with a simple, “Oh, of course! I’d love that!” No harm, no foul.

Fast forward to the next time I got my haircut, I was telling Rigo how everything had gone down and that I was slightly embarrassed but more or less confused why C was even texting me to begin with…and that’s when it happened. Rigo, after asking if I wanted the honest truth, said that he approached C about my former crush, and the response was “Well…he’s kinda gained a little weight over the years.”

Jawdrop.

Now, I’ve got to put things in comparison. C met me when I was 19, and I am now 29. I look *nothing* like I did at 19 – THANK GOD! I was skinny beyond belief and my body hadn’t filled out yet. Sometimes when I look back at the photos of me during that time period, I wonder where my chin was. My face just looked angular, and my physique was only slightly better than an 8th grader at Boy Scout camp. I weighed around 185, and for a 6 foot 2 inch male with a size 13 foot, that’s a little on the lanky side. As the years passed, my body filled out to a solid 225 pounds, and although I probably won’t complain if I lost a little bit of body fat, I must say that I love my body so much more now than when I was 19. I look like a man now. I finally fill out a pair of jeans. I don’t have to dance around in the shower to get wet.

After a few days of soaking in C’s comment, I realized that he probably helped me out more than he hurt me. First off, I enjoy my body, and I enjoy the process of whipping it into top form. I’m not in what I would consider the best shape of my life, but I’m certainly not doing bad, and if I keep up with things, it’s only going to get better. Second, this body isn’t going to last forever. I can whip it into shape all I want, but when I’m in my twilight years, it’s going to sag and wrinkle and do all the other things that come with age. A lasting relationship cannot be built on a body alone because the body will eventually wither. Third, if C doesn’t like my body, then he did me a humongous favor by letting me know. If I had what I consider to be my “perfect” body, I’d probably shed about 15 pounds, but not much more than that…because once I cross that 15 pound mark, I start to look sickly. And inevitably, over the years, I’m going to have periods where I’m 15 pounds lighter and other periods where I’m 15 pounds heavier. But in the big picture, we’re talking about 15 pounds, which I think is just ridiculous if that’s the single criterion one is using to turn down a date. If 15 pounds will scare off a guy, then he isn’t someone I would want to date to begin with.

To summarize my lesson learned by this encounter, I will not let someone else define how I should feel about my looks – that is up to me alone. I will continue to work on the parts of my physique that I feel merit attention, and I will celebrate my current accomplishments and future successes. Further, I will refuse to let someone categorize me solely by my body. I have two degrees, a fabulous job, incredible friends, and the best family anyone could ask for. I’m ridiculously fun to be around, and I’m also easy to get to know and get along with. I am smart and funny, and I’m sharply focused on not taking myself too serious. I possess an unquenchable desire to squeeze the most enjoyment out of life possible. I’m the kind of person a guy would love to take home to meet their mother.

Frankly, if C is going to overstep all the great things about me for 15 pounds, then I really should thank him for auto-removing himself from the pool of people I actually would date. Onward and upward!