Preface: I know it's been a little while since I've written, so please accept my apologies. I, like you, have been busy and (unlike you, I'm sure) utterly self-absorbed. Luckily, one of my resolutions is to write at least once a week, so I hope that appeases you.
The last time I wrote, I had just gone on several dates with this guy that I wasn't too sure about. I mean, he was perfectly fine, more than that really, but I just didn't think he really liked me. He was way different than any other person I've dated in a long time. He was confident, self-assured, socially aware, secure, independent, forward thinking and a little cocky. He was the wild card amongst the few guys I was talking to in late autumn.
My insecurities came into play - I felt like he was way more attractive than me, could do much better and wouldn't be interested in me after hearing my loud laugh, learning about my obsession with 90's & Canadian teen dramas, figuring out what a nerd I am and finding out just how much I tweet. I never, in a million years, thought that Mr. Wild Card and I would go further than just those few dates.
I was wrong. As it happens, this guy is my new boyfriend.
I'm not really sure how it happened, if I'm being honest. He kept asking me out and I kept saying yes. I think I was stuck on the fact that I thought he would get tired of me or figure out that I was a square that I sort of disconnected myself from my feelings a little bit. In other words, I was scared. Mr. Wild Card was legitimately interested in dating me and I didn't know how to take that. I didn't know if I would be the person he thought I was in the beginning. You see, I acted aloof and like I could take it or leave it, so if I started to take this whole thing seriously, my demeanor would inevitably change and then what would he think?
After much internal debate, I decided that if he wanted to date me, he was going to get the full Jeana treatment. Inappropriately loud laughter in quiet places. Funny voices and the use of accents. Random dance breaks. Singing of everything. Twitter addiction. Picky eating. Dates occurring after running in which a shower was not taken. Snorts. Diet Pepsi adoration. Jeans and a t-shirt worn with beat up sneakers. Endless commentary during movies. Problems with dwelling on things. Occasional neediness. Inability to take a compliment. Lack of desire to cuddle at any time. Ineptitude at sharing feelings.
What I mean to say is I showed him my crazy.
We all have it, but I tend to hide mine for a long time when dating someone new. I wanted to put everything out there, so he would know what he was getting into - if he saw all this and still hung around, I knew he would be worth all the trouble, hurt feelings and potential sadness I was desperately trying to avoid.
The amazing thing is, he did stay and he is kind of, well, amazing. I'm definitely not saying he's perfect, he's done some dumb stuff, but he's the exact person I need in my life right now. He loves all the parts that I thought weren't lovable. He tells me I'm beautiful and instead of brushing him off, I'm learning to accept it. He makes me want to share my *gulp* feelings. He easily forgives me when I mess up. He makes me want to try. He's made me believe in love again.
(Sidenote: Gosh, I sound uber cheesy, don't I? Forgive me, I'm sure this new love haze will wear off soon.)
This relationship is making me a better person. I'm growing, learning and changing for the better; isn't that what having a grown up relationship is about, really? More than companionship, Mr. Wild Card has given me my belief that there are people out there that will truly care about me, like I do them. If this doesn't last (but golly, I sure hope it does!), I can look back on this whole thing with fondness simply because I've gained that realization. That's an incredible feeling.
Maybe, in my heart of hearts, I am really a romantic and it just took someone to bring it out. Here's to hoping that this new year is full of love, joy, happiness, romance, growth and more time with the people that are important.
With a full and happy heart,
J
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