I Choose Flight

Yesterday was just a day. After work, I went and met some friends at this hipster bingo thing that happens in town.  We ate tacos.  We made jokes.  We dobbed our bingo cards. One of us won money.  All regular and unimportant.

Then, as I headed for the bathroom before going home, I saw The Kid.  My eyes got big, I stopped dead in my tracks and my brain ceased to function.  Full bladder be darned, I turned right around and half-ran back to my friends and begged that we exit through a side door to avoid him. 

The Kid is a youngster I went out with a few times, but it didn't work out for reasons too numerous to mention.  (I actually wrote about him, here.)  The thing that stuck with me, though, is how it ended.  We had stopped talking and then he made this big gesture, so I gave him a second chance.  It backfired.  The whole thing ended abruptly and left me with a few hurt feelings.  It was a blight on my impeccable dating record. *cue laugh track*  (I, of course, came out on the other side of it as a winner, because I met Mr. Wild Card a few weeks later.)

I haven't really thought about The Kid in a LONG time and I don't harbor any ill-will or bad feelings toward him, but seeing him standing there threw me into a loop.  The feeling was similar to seeing your teacher outside of school; one of those "but you not supposed to be HERE" kind of thoughts.  In a city of 5+ million, I run into him of all people?  At least I had an escape route and supportive friends.

After I got home, I got a text from a number I didn't know.  *DUN DUN DUMMMM* THE KID! HE TEXTED!  It read something like, "Sorry if that was awkward seeing you tonight. I saw you earlier, but decided not to say hi."  My response? "Well, it was awkward, but it happens. Hope you had fun!"  I was cool, guys!  So what if I had high-tailed it away from him, red-faced? I made up for it with a breezy, no-worries text.  All was good in the land of Jeana.

When I woke up this morning, I had this heavy regret about how I handled the situation.  Why didn't I just give him my goofy, half-crooked, smirky smile and say a "hey" in passing?  It's been nearly a year since I saw him, I'm over the whole thing completely and he was there with someone else, so what would have happened?  I didn't have to have a conversation, but I could've been cordial or more nonchalant.  Instead, I turned on my heel and speed-walked to the other end of the building and left him to be the one to be the bigger person.

Maybe that exact thing is what's causing my remorse: in my mind, he won.  Couldn't he have just acted like he didn't see me, like I was attempting to do?  Oh, no, he couldn't.  He had to apologize for the weirdness, like a nice person. BLESS IT!   What would I have lost by being normal?  Why couldn't I have just sucked it up and lived through the moment of awkwardness and gone on with my life, guilt-free? 

Because I'm a chicken, that's why.

The battle of fight or flight was waged and I fled.

But, I'm ok with that chickenhood.  I think anyone in my position could see the beauty to my plan for avoidance.  Plus there's always a next time, right?  (I take that back. I really hope there isn't a next time.  REALLY HOPE.)

~j

Madness: A Rant About The Bachelorette

I've already written about my general hatred for The Bachelorette (you can find it here), but the ending of this season as GONE TOO FAR. I waited to write about it, mainly so I'd be less angry, but I'm still annoyed.  I was so furious and confounded that it has carried over for weeks.

Why am I so irate when I don't even watch the show, you ask?

Because Desiree Hartsock is making a GIANT mistake.  And young girls think that's ok.

Here's a quick recap for those not in the know:
Desiree was really into this one guy.  He was basically the only person she was interested in of the three guys she had left.  She was going to pick HIM.  She knew it, we knew, Chris Harrison knew it, the camera crew knew it - I think the only two who didn't were the other dudes.  It was obvious to anyone watching.

Then the unthinkable happened; after some soul-searching, the ONE left the show.  He said he couldn't propose to her, that he had to leave.  Desiree was devastated.  *cue sad music* She didn't know if she go on with the show, because her true love, her prince charming had left her. Her heart was shattered into a million pieces.

Luckily, she got it together enough to continue and accept another proposal from one of the two leftovers. OH GOOD.

And this, my friends, is my HUGE issue.  She was so certain that Guy A was THE ONE and when he left, he was easily replaced by The Backup.  She didn't hesitate to say yes.  WHAT THE WHAT?!?!?

Here is a girl who was yearning for this one particular guy, who thought that this guy was her soulmate, who almost couldn't go on AND YET she said yes to someone else when they proposed just 48 hours later.  I understand what it's like to want to be married, to have a husband and start a family, but I can assuredly say I would not say yes to someone simply because they asked.  Working under the pretense that you should say yes simply because you're asked is wrong, wrong, wrong.  Saying yes because you're desperate to be married is equally wrong.  I wanted to say,  "It's okay Desiree, you can walk away from the show single, I promise!"

I almost get her mentality.  Guy B (Backup/new Fiance) was nice, was really into her and he's not bad, so why not try it out and see if it works.  I'll tell ya why - because you're ENGAGED. That's weighty, man. That's a promise, an agreement, to marry one day.  That's pressure.  Who cares if he asked?  She could've said, "You know what? I'm not ready for this big commitment, but I didn't give you enough of my attention and I think you're pretty great.  Let's try dating and see what happens."  But, wait, I forgot, this is 'reality TV' and normal behavior is suspended.

In the end, I feel like she is going to hurt her new fiance.  She was so intent on having a good ending, she made one happen, possibly at the expense of this sweet, poetry writing guy.

A person can not, in real life, just jump from one intense relationship to another and have everything work out.  Yeah, yeah, I know you want to share exceptions, but I'm talking majority things here.  Your heart and mind can't flip like that.  On the reunion show, I felt as if the original THE ONE guy had asked her to marry him, she would have turned to the Backup and said, "Welp, it's been nice."  I think Backup/Fiance dude felt the same (at least his face looked that way).  It made me feel sad and uncomfortable for him and upset with her. 

Take some time between relationships.  Don't rush in.  Don't make big commitments when you know your heart hasn't had time to catch up.  Don't hurt people in order to make yourself feel good for the moment.  THINK.

Oh, and don't go on a reality dating show.

~j

This Guy I Know: A Cautionary Tale

There is this guy I know, who this thing happened to and I thought I'd share it with you.

See, Bill* was chronically single (see also: me, prior to Mr. Wild Card).  He is a regular guy with a decent job; there's nothing remarkably wrong with him - I mean, his personality isn't for everyone, but he's not a bad guy.  I think it was difficult for Bill to find someone he connected with because of his mildly awkward & peculiar nature, but he kept trying. 

To be honest, I envied him a little.  Bill took rejection well.  When a relationship didn't work out, he wouldn't let it affect him. Faced with the same situation, I would probably lay on the floor in a dark room listening to a Smiths/The Cure remix on repeat and question if love still existed.

He even asked me for advice after hearing that I was attempting online dating for the blog.  I happily gave it to him and the next thing I knew, he was in a relationship with someone he seemed to get along with well.  I started seeing Mr. Wild Card shortly after that and there we all were, a picture of happiness and contentment. 

All I heard were good things about this girl.  She made him visibly happy (and much more pleasant). After six months of dating, Bill thought he was in love (well, he probably WAS in love) and decided to propose in a really interesting way, something really specific to her tastes.  He even had a ring made in a style she loved that was incredibly unique; no one else would have this ring.  I thought it was so sweet how he planned out every detail, how he had tailored it to her tastes.  She would HAVE to say yes.

And she did say yes...well, she said yes until she took it back.

I felt horrible when I heard the engagement had ended.  He was so excited!  He was telling everyone about what he wanted the wedding to be like and how utterly excited he was through with dating.  How did this happen?  Bill was shattered.  WHAT KIND OF TERRIBLE PERSON DOES THIS?

She apparently felt like she was too young (SHE'S OLDER THAN ME) to be married and wasn't interested in planning a life with someone right now because she wants to be selfish.

Ick.

Then I remembered something Bill had mentioned in passing the week before the proposal: they hadn't discussed marriage at all.  Not even a little.  Isn't that something you customarily do before you go to all the effort of an extravagant proposal?  He had to have been confident she would say yes, but wouldn't a reasonable person broach the subject beforehand?  It was foreshadowing.

(And just so you know, Mr. Wild Card knows I'm heavily in favor and an advocate of marriage.)

I possibly nailed something on the head a bit earlier when I said, "She would HAVE to say yes."  See, Bill asked her in front of a crowd of people during a weekend away together.  Who would want to say no in a situation like that?  She probably felt pressure to say yes.  She did later sit down with him, privately, and explain how she couldn't go through with it, simply to save having to have a difficult conversation.  It saved her from being unhappy in a marriage she didn't want and, in turn, making Bill unhappy.

This story highlights how important COMMUNICATION is in an relationship.  If Bill had brought up the subject of marriage seriously, his girl might have given him some indication that she just wasn't ready to advance down that path.  One small conversation may have helped Bill to cool his jets and just enjoy their time together, instead of making a big leap to the marriage question.  

So, talk to each other. Ask questions, even the hard ones.  Otherwise, you might end up like Bill: alone with a pricey piece of jewelry.

~j

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and their opinion of me.