The Epihany

I'm a worrier.

Some of you know this, some of you have found this out reading the blog and some of you have no idea.  Often, when something causes me to worry, I sit and just think about and stew over the circumstances surrounding the thing that's making me have worried face.  (You know the face: furrowed brow, far-away look in the eyes, biting of the lip.)  I spin it over and over in my head, looking at it from different angles, trying to explain what happened, trying to reason out why it happened, trying to figure out how it fix it.

My worrying occasionally consumes me.

And it really annoys Mr. Wild Card.

I found myself worrying over an ex-girlfriend on Mr. Wild Card a few months ago.  We were spending lots of time together and I was learning more about his past.  The more I learned about his relationship with a particular ex, the more it seemed like the break up didn't make sense.  Mr. WC assured me that it had been coming to the point in the relationship where it needed to end, but I knew that she definitely didn't want the break up to happen.  I sat on this for a little while and then, slowly, but surely, a seed of doubt and worry grew into a full-blown plant.

Yes, I know what you're already thinking: HE BROKE UP WITH HER, YOU DUMMY.  HE'S DATING YOU NOW.  IF HE WANTED TO DATE HER, HE WOULD BE.

Trust me, guys.  I tried telling myself that, but my brain went bananas.  I started comparing myself to her (save your commentary, I already know that was stupid) and began to feel threatened by someone who Mr. WC no longer wanted to date.  All the positive self-talk I could muster wasn't helping.  I was stuck in the wasteland of uncertainty, a place I had created for myself.

Then, one day, as I was talking to someone about a completely different topic, it hit me: Mr. WC feels about his ex like I feel about E-Mail Man, my last boyfriend. 

E-Mail Man was someone who I talked about marriage with, someone who I thought about building a family with and then it ended.  He's a perfectly nice person, but he just wasn't MY person.  There wasn't anything 'wrong' with the relationship per se, but we were really different.  Too different, as it turns out.  But when E-Mail Man and I started dating, it was such a breath of fresh air to find someone who wasn't crazy, was well-spoken, was normal and nice that we tried to make it work because there wasn't anything glaringly wrong.  Maybe there wasn't anything particularly wrong with Mr. WC and his ex, but it wasn't right either.  What a mind-melter connection.

Mr. Wild Card had told me several times exactly what I finally understood, but I just didn't hear him.  And, what's worse, I didn't tell him what I was thinking about - which could have eliminated all my concerns in one swoop.  I let my self-doubt get in the way and I let my negative thoughts take over.  Why did I do that?  Because I couldn't deal with the fact that someone so great and compatible is in my life and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop?  Am I really that cynical?

Once I had my own Oprah "A-ha" moment, I struck a deal with myself: don't worry about things that aren't an issue and don't make an issue out of things that aren't even on the radar.  Constantly waiting for everything to fall apart is not the way God wants me to live my life.  It's freeing, really.  I'm still working on it and I still fail at it, but I'm trying.

I'm actually trying.  I'm making an effort.  Geez, I'm must be in love.

~j

Books Covers: Getting Judged By Me Since 1982

Wow - I almost forgot that I had a blog for a second!  Actually, that's a lie.  I get reminded at least once a week that I have taken what appears to be a blogging sabbatical and that I'm not keeping true to my "one entry a week" agreement.  My apologizes.  I've been busy happy (and popular and awesome and, duh, humble) and I've been neglecting you, gentle reader. 

(Here's a quick recap of my life: everything is pretty great.  Work is good, family is good, friends are good, the bf is good, my social networking is good.  Life is, well, good.  Everything is aligning.  I've, literally, got nothing much to complain about.  I like it that way.)

In thinking about what I wanted to cover in today's entry, I remembered a friend of mine - we'll call him Dating Dan - who just went on a date this weekend.  The date was, by all circumstantial evidence, set up to be perfectly romantic.  The problem?  He just wasn't into his date.  Like, at all.

While I'll leave the details of the date for another entry (suspenseful and totally annoying, I know), the fact was that Dan called me and told me that he was worried about his date before it actually happened.  There was an impending sense of doom surrounding the date, not just the typical butterflies.  Dan had been talking to this person for a few weeks before they actually met and got to know his date fairly well.  He related to me that he was just not sure about how it would work out.

Dan told me his what concerns were and I pushed them off to the side, encouraging him to just go out with this person who was obviously interested in him and see what happens. Why did I do this?  It wasn't just because I wanted one of my friends to go on a date, but it was because I didn't want to be judgmental.

You see, I'm so bad about making snap decisions about people that I'm making a conscious effort to do just the opposite.  I mean, thinking about the first date with Mr. Wild Card, I would have never thought I would end up dating him in the long run.  (I think I even tweeted about the fact that he may or may not have drank a little too much?  Sorry about that one, Mr. WC!)  I really thought I would just have one or two dates with him and nothing much would amount from it.  I was definitely wrong.  I didn't want the same thing to happen to Dan! I didn't want him to lose out on a potentially great person because of a few awkward phone conversations.

Even though I told him to go out and enjoy himself, inside I was screaming - 'Don't waste your time!  You already kind of hate this person!  Don't waste their time!  They sound like such an annoying person!  Seriously, they are going to bother me.  I don't want to have to hang out with an annoying person!  And if you date them, I'll have to!  Think about me!'

But I didn't say that, because I wanted to give Dan an opportunity at finding romance with someone he might have overlooked.

I was wrong. 

The moral here: always go with your instincts.  Dan gave his date a fighting chance, but he just wasn't feeling it.  He knew that he prior to the date, but went anyway, on my advice.

I guess I should go back to judging people - after all, it just feels right.

~J 

Is This Real Life? Why, Yes. Yes, It Is.

I genuinely enjoy Valentine's Day.  I loved it even when I didn't have anyone to call my Valentine.  All the candies and flowers and happiness that float around make me feel full in the typically cold quadrant of my chest where my heart should be.  Maybe it's the optimist (that sometimes comes to visit) in me that makes me all mushy, but I can't help it.  I LOVE love.

And this year, I'm worse.

I'm in a post-Valentine's dreamland, where everything is fluffy bunnies and the world is throwing up rainbows.

The boyfriend (Mr. Wildcard) sent me a spectacular, just right for me, surprise Valentine.  I was speechless.  Okay, okay, maybe not speechless.  I kind of yelped and carried on and was VERY LOUD, but the sentiment was still the same.  Someone cared enough for me to send an incredible, memory-making present.  Basically, Mr. Wildcard hit it out of the park, definitively.

Here is the part where I usually go on and on about how I couldn't believe someone would go out of their way for me, but this year it's different.  I've found someone who loves me the way I should be loved.  Someone who cares for me the same way I do for them.  I appreciate the effort and the thought  behind his gift immensely and I'm wowed, but at the same time I deserve this happiness.

When someone does something nice for us, we sometimes think, "Why? Why would they do that for me?"  That's not the point.  The point is they did it because you're worth it.  When you become concerned with the 'why's' you miss everything that is so great about that moment.  Just sit back and know that they did what they did for you because they probably think you're just as awesome as you think they are.

As much as I talk about how great I am, I don't really rate myself well.  I mean, sure I'm comfortable in lots of situations, smartish, pretty in a Drew Barrymore/goofy face kinda way, tall, subversively comedic, good with strangers, polite, thoughtful, have nice penmanship and about 10,000+ other wonderful things...wait, what was I saying?

In all honesty, I'm always astounded when someone wants to date me.  I don't get it, but the cool part is, I don't have to.  Mr. Wildcard doesn't love me in spite of my dorkiness, disproportionally loud laugh and crooked smile, he kinda loves me because of those things.  And who am I to argue?

Accept the love you're given.  Give the love you feel.

It's as simple as that.

~j

Now You See Him, Now You Don't

Some guys are really good at what I call "The Disappearing Act."  I'm not sure if they watched too many reruns of 'Breaking The Magician's Code' or if they want to have a Vegas act someday, but a few of them have perfected the art of vaporization.  They were around, active, interested and then, *poof* they're gone. Lame.

I started thinking hard about this when a friend from college related a story to me about this guy she was dating.  (A little backstory on her: She's sweet, kind, smart and thoughtful. She once bought me a DVD of our favorite Keri Russell TV movie-which I still have. She is a delight, I tell you.)  Basically, everything was fine and then he stopped returning her texts/calls.  He just vanished.  Barring his actual death/dismemberment - which I have not been informed of - there really isn't a reason to all of a sudden stop communicating with someone.

And let me clarify something for you; this was an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP.  They were official on the Facebook.  He sent her flowers multiple times.  They went on frequent dates.  Everything was just peachy keen, from what I understand.  They talked about having dinner on a Saturday and when she checked in with him on that Saturday, he never texted her back.  He didn't follow up with her the next day either.  She finally called and left him a message that basically said, "Hey, if you're done, that's cool.  I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with me."  And she STILL didn't hear anything.

I don't get it.  If, at any point, you don't want to date someone anymore, why don't you just vocalize your problem?  Anything could have happened to him, as far as I know.  He could've been abducted my aliens.  He could've been struck with a hammer causing a case of amnesia.  He could've been recruited to the CIA.  He could've been placed in the Witness Protection Program.  A million things could have happened, but how likely is that?  I give the listed things the same odds as I give the chance of John Cusack meeting me and falling madly in love: 0.000000001%.  (Although we can all agree, if he did meet me he would be endlessly charmed and surely would fall in love, can't we?)

I just think he stopped calling because he was a coward. 

And he's not the only one of his kind out there.  If you don't want to have a relationship with someone, just say so.  Sit down and have an honest conversation with that person.  They might hate you at that moment, but in the end they don't have to question what happened.  They know.  There is a definitive answer.  It's the only fair thing to do.

Listen, I understand that some people avoid confrontation and awkward conversations like I avoid the guy selling those hair straighteners in the mall.  No one wants to have to broach that topic, no one wants to be the bad guy.  I get it.  I wouldn't want to have a conversation like that either, but what is the point of treating someone you liked at some point (we hope) so callously?  By just evaporating, I think the person experiences a greater heartache.  They sit there and think that they were too forgettable or unimportant for a phone call.  How cruel.

Do the right thing, vanishers.  Sit down.  Talk.  Be the 'bad guy' for a split second.  You'll be glad you did.

~J

That's How The Cat Was Killed

A few weeks ago, Mr. Wild Card and I got into our first fight.  Wait...let me clarify: by fight, I mean, I yelled at him, he really didn't know what I was mad about and oooooh, was I mad.  This is where you're like, 'Ooh, gurl! What did he do?,' but it's not that simple.  In fact, I kind of had no leg to stand on, when you get down to it.

Here's a Cliff's Notes version of events for you:

We had a great night.  Really, we did.  It was New Years' Eve and we were out with people we liked and everything was perfect.  My heart was exploding in sincere thankfulness that I got to spend such a super evening with someone I was growing to love.  We tweeted our affections to each other.  We kissed at midnight.  We shared the first moments of 2013 together.  It was a good memory-making night.

At the very end of the night, I somehow winded up with possession of his phone.  I mean, he hands me his phone all the time - it wasn't any different than usual.  Now, I'm not a snooper (yes, I know every girl says that, but I really try not to be) and he tells me everything, so I had no reason to be concerned anyway.  I have never felt, not a single time, that he wasn't telling me the truth.   

Anyway, back to the phone: I flipped through his pictures, looking for one we took together, so I could send it to myself and post it to Instagram.  I found it and went to close the phone, when IT happened.  I promise you that it was an accident.  I swear on my cardigan collection, I wasn't looking for anything.

I'm not sure how (my clumsy Yeti fingers are at fault, I'm sure), but I ended up in his text message.  (Hey, hey, it's a common mistake.  Isn't it?  *gulp* Yes, I'm aware of how bad this sounds.) I ended up seeing a message from him to one of his friends and it hurt my feelings.  It wasn't anything too terrible and had been written a really long time before, but it still made me sad and angry.  The problem? I shouldn't have been looking at the messages in the first place.

Let me put this into context for you:  I was reading the things his friend was writing (which was about their relationship) and it was getting interesting.  He was saying super nice things about me and how his family liked me and how I'm so great (I'd go on about all that, but you're already aware of my good points, so I'll move on). I mean, I had to DIG through the messages to get to the bad one.  Like, load the page a few dozen times.  Bad Jeana. So, so bad.

I was like a person possessed.  I couldn't stop.  I'd never had that inclination before and it was a hard realization that I had invaded his privacy.  It didn't matter what he said to his friend, that was between his friend and him and was written in confidence.  I wasn't supposed to see it.  I took things out of context and just railed on him.  It came out of nowhere for him on a night that was otherwise terrific.  I spoiled it because I got nosy.

Now, he's not completely faultless here.  He did something that warranted my anger, but it's almost a Catch 22: I wouldn't have been angry if I didn't let my curiosity be my guide.  The whole thing wouldn't have happened if I has just stepped away from the phone.  I learned a really hard lesson here: the only thing you gain by violating someone's trust is guilt.  Maybe you don't know about something for a reason, a good reason.  Maybe it's saving you some grief and overthinking.  All truths come out eventually, right?

Even from this bump, something good happened: Mr. Wild Card and I got closer.  We worked through it.  He was patient with my hesitation.  He didn't hold my clear invasion of his personal property against me, in fact, he apologized.  He never even got mad.  He had every right to be upset with me going through his stuff, but he chose not to and I'm not sure why.  He's way better at this whole dating thing than I am, obviously.

Everyone, no matter how much they usually aren't, can be nosy.  They can go past their typical boundaries and be a snoop.  And then there are other people who are just snooptacular.  They are like private investigators.  Either way, you've got to fight that feeling. You've got to understand that if you're supposed to know something, you'll be told eventually.  You've got to let trust rule.  A relationship just isn't going to work otherwise.

I've learned my lesson and hopefully you've learned from it too.

~J

Complicated Is Overrated

One thing I've noticed in dating Mr. Wild Card is that everything was just so easy with him.  We became 'official' with minimal talking - he initiated the conversation and I was more than agreeable.  We made it official on Facebook without much push and pull.  We were able to transition into saying "I love you" easily.  All of these things made sense in the moment, there wasn't any hesitation or backpedaling.  It was so easy.

It made me look back at some of my old relationships and realize that all the times that I have become a couple with someone, it was just as easy.  (Now, the breaking up part wasn't so easy, but such is life.)  There weren't any guessing games or having playing my cards close to the vest - it was easy.  Huh.  I think I'm onto something here.

See, the thing is that sometimes girls, young women, ladies or other such feminine creatures make relationships a lot harder than they need to be.  They make non-relationships harder than they need to be.  (Note: I make everything harder than it needs to be - sorry, Mr. Wild Card.)  It doesn't have to be that way at all. 

If you are supposed to be dating someone, it's going to happen.  There's no amount of scheming, make-up, pouty faces, purposefully missed calls or causal run-ins that will make anyone want to date you more than they already do or do not.  You can't create a situation in which you suddenly become more desirable to someone who just isn't interested.  Why waste all that effort and subject yourself to heartache when that person you're putting on a pedestal doesn't even have you on their radar?

Advice tells you not to be too available, not to talk too much, not to be too needy, not to pry, not to monopolize all their time, not to do this and that.  It's garbage.  There is no cocktail of behavior that can make someone want to date you.  Be yourself - your person will care about you no matter how much you talk or how often you call.  The person that you are supposed to be dating will find the amount of time they see your face just right or not enough.  Your partner will care about hearing you complain about work, will tweet at you no matter how busy they are and will like when you post pictures of you and them on every social media outlet in existence.  Your person will love you no matter how you act - they love you because you are you. 

Why, then, do we make it so complicated?  Because the heart wants what the heart wants?  Because endless books and articles about dating tell us too?  Forget that.  You aren't supposed to convince or persuade someone into a relationship.  It's meant to be easy and natural; we all need that reminder every so often. 

So, get rid of the notion that there is some magic to dating.  It's straightforward.  You like someone and they like you and you spend time together and if you still like each other, you continue to date.  Simple.

Here's to more simple in 2013.

~j

Mr. Wild Card (aka The Boyfriend)

Preface: I know it's been a little while since I've written, so please accept my apologies. I, like you, have been busy and (unlike you, I'm sure) utterly self-absorbed.  Luckily, one of my resolutions is to write at least once a week, so I hope that appeases you.

The last time I wrote, I had just gone on several dates with this guy that I wasn't too sure about.  I mean, he was perfectly fine, more than that really, but I just didn't think he really liked me.  He was way different than any other person I've dated in a long time.  He was confident, self-assured, socially aware, secure, independent, forward thinking and a little cocky.  He was the wild card amongst the few guys I was talking to in late autumn.   

My insecurities came into play - I felt like he was way more attractive than me, could do much better and wouldn't be interested in me after hearing my loud laugh, learning about my obsession with 90's & Canadian teen dramas, figuring out what a nerd I am and finding out just how much I tweet.  I never, in a million years, thought that Mr. Wild Card and I would go further than just those few dates.

I was wrong.  As it happens, this guy is my new boyfriend.

I'm not really sure how it happened, if I'm being honest.  He kept asking me out and I kept saying yes.  I think I was stuck on the fact that I thought he would get tired of me or figure out that I was a square that I sort of disconnected myself from my feelings a little bit.  In other words, I was scared.  Mr. Wild Card was legitimately interested in dating me and I didn't know how to take that.  I didn't know if I would be the person he thought I was in the beginning.  You see, I acted aloof and like I could take it or leave it, so if I started to take this whole thing seriously, my demeanor would inevitably change and then what would he think?

After much internal debate, I decided that if he wanted to date me, he was going to get the full Jeana treatment.  Inappropriately loud laughter in quiet places.  Funny voices and the use of accents.  Random dance breaks.  Singing of everything.  Twitter addiction.  Picky eating.  Dates occurring after running in which a shower was not taken.  Snorts.  Diet Pepsi adoration.  Jeans and a t-shirt worn with beat up sneakers.  Endless commentary during movies.  Problems with dwelling on things.  Occasional neediness.  Inability to take a compliment.  Lack of desire to cuddle at any time.  Ineptitude at sharing feelings.

What I mean to say is I showed him my crazy.

We all have it, but I tend to hide mine for a long time when dating someone new.  I wanted to put everything out there, so he would know what he was getting into - if he saw all this and still hung around, I knew he would be worth all the trouble, hurt feelings and potential sadness I was desperately trying to avoid. 

The amazing thing is, he did stay and he is kind of, well, amazing.  I'm definitely not saying he's perfect, he's done some dumb stuff, but he's the exact person I need in my life right now.  He loves all the parts that I thought weren't lovable.  He tells me I'm beautiful and instead of brushing him off, I'm learning to accept it.  He makes me want to share my *gulp* feelings.  He easily forgives me when I mess up.  He makes me want to try.  He's made me believe in love again.

(Sidenote: Gosh, I sound uber cheesy, don't I?  Forgive me, I'm sure this new love haze will wear off soon.)

This relationship is making me a better person.  I'm growing, learning and changing for the better; isn't that what having a grown up relationship is about, really?  More than companionship, Mr. Wild Card has given me my belief that there are people out there that will truly care about me, like I do them.  If this doesn't last (but golly, I sure hope it does!), I can look back on this whole thing with fondness simply because I've gained that realization. That's an incredible feeling.

Maybe, in my heart of hearts, I am really a romantic and it just took someone to bring it out.  Here's to hoping that this new year is full of love, joy, happiness, romance, growth and more time with the people that are important.

With a full and happy heart,
J