When You Most Expect It

Something that I've over and over again since being re-single is that "love comes when you least expect it."  The more I hear it, the more annoyed I become with the phrase.  Like, REALLY annoyed.   As in, don't ever say that to me or you might get a combo side-eye, duck lip face back at you.  You're meaning to say that if I simply let go (and let God) that love will somehow find me?  *gasp*  Is it that simple?  And here I was, making it ever so complicated.

I don't think this turn of phrase is accurate.  Let me tell you why.

Sure, finding love is can be hard and complicated, but, much like anything you want to be successful at, getting into a successful relationship involves work.  Let's be honest here - you can't just sit on your couch, eat ice cream, watch repeats of all the Real Housewives franchises (i.e. my Monday nights) and expect to find love.  You have to put yourself out there, in whatever capacity that is.  And it doesn't mean there isn't an expectation of love necessarily, it's simply a willingness to allow yourself to believe in love and attempt to experience it. 

So, what does that look like?  Maybe it means you're seeking love out.  Maybe it means that you are going on dates.  Maybe it's putting a profile up on a dating website. Maybe it's letting your friends know that you're ready to meet someone.  Maybe it means that you don't shy away from talking to that cutie across the room. 

Maybe it means you try.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the idea behind the phrase.  If you are constantly looking for someone to fill a void, the right person doesn't seem to appear.  Conversely, if you fill your life with other things like friends, family, or hobbies, you find that you don't need a relationship to feel fulfilled.  Sometimes, love comes in a package you weren't anticipating. That's truth.  

But here's a critical point I feel is missing from this harsh phrase:  I think that with the self-assurance of not needing a partner comes a confidence that is exceedingly attractive.  You're focused on yourself and your happiness - you don't need someone else to provide that for you.  That's sexy.  That takes the pressure off of someone you date.  They see that as a sign of self-reliance and want to be a part of what your already full life.  

What you shouldn't expect is for Cupid to drop the love of your life at your front door.  You shouldn't expect love to come out of every date or every person you meet.  You shouldn't expect love to make you complete.

Love comes when it comes. It can blindside you or you can see it coming right for you.  It's unpredictable - that's why love is so great.

So, go ahead and expect love.  It'll come, if you're ready.

~j  

The Grass Isn't Always Greener

Today's blog entry is special!  It's written by my friend Sam, who I have known since high school.  He is funny, energetic, sweet, gregarious and adorable, but he's having some trouble in the dating world too.  He is a reminder that I'm not the only single person out there (even though it seems like it sometimes) and dating isn't easier just because you happen to have a Y chromosome.  I hope you enjoy Sam's thoughts as much as I did! 

Here's what Sam has to say today:

Dating in the straight world is hard, but take it from me, a card-carrying citizen of Gay Town, dating among gay men is just as brutal. It takes just as much dedication, openness, vulnerability and patience as dating among the heterosexuals. Just like our straight brethren, we gays also go on bad dates, make silly jokes and wonder why our date isn’t laughing, and meet people who look good on paper but turn out to be complete jerks.

Recently, though, I was reminded of one key element in gay relationships that I believe to be different than in heterosexual relationships: men are extremely visual. I believe men scrutinize a woman’s appearance, body, hair, face, etc., but I believe women are generally a little more forgiving of a less-than-perfect male physique. With gay men, though, there are two men sizing each other up, and in my experience it is less likely that gay men are as forgiving as our female counterparts to pardon someone who falls somewhere south of an Adonis.

Several gay men want a guy who is, at worst, a 9 out of 10. Many gay men want a tall, broad, muscular stud with biceps for days, six pack abs, and toned butt cheeks that can crack walnuts. There’s no room for body fat, and by gum, you better wear clothes that cling to and accentuate every inch of that glorious body. In short, the body reigns supreme. If you have jacked up teeth and serve stank face but your body is a perfect 10, many guys will date you for your body alone. I can’t tell you how many Butterfaces I’ve seen getting hit on by other guys simply because of their chiseled physique.

Now this idea that gay men are extremely visual is nothing shocking. I’ve always known that men are visual. I am too. I mean, you have to at least have some sort of visual attraction to the person, or at least that’s my experience. But a quick look at some of the people I’ve dated over the years shows I’m not discriminatory of a good looking gentleman who has a little extra loving on his body.

However, the days of my youth are limited and I am now facing challenges that I never had to worry about previously. Most recently, I learned that my body was the challenge standing in the way of a date with a certain someone.

I used to have a slight crush on a guy whom we’ll call C, and he happens to work at the same salon where I get my haircut. I was making my regular visit to my stylist, Rigo, and the subject came up that I used to have a crush on C. Little did I know, Rigo, armed with the knowledge of my former crush was going to play matchmaker after I left the salon. A few hours after I left, I got a text message from C saying that he honestly loves being single but he would like to be great friends. At this point in time, the text message was completely out of the blue, but I just replied with a simple, “Oh, of course! I’d love that!” No harm, no foul.

Fast forward to the next time I got my haircut, I was telling Rigo how everything had gone down and that I was slightly embarrassed but more or less confused why C was even texting me to begin with…and that’s when it happened. Rigo, after asking if I wanted the honest truth, said that he approached C about my former crush, and the response was “Well…he’s kinda gained a little weight over the years.”

Jawdrop.

Now, I’ve got to put things in comparison. C met me when I was 19, and I am now 29. I look *nothing* like I did at 19 – THANK GOD! I was skinny beyond belief and my body hadn’t filled out yet. Sometimes when I look back at the photos of me during that time period, I wonder where my chin was. My face just looked angular, and my physique was only slightly better than an 8th grader at Boy Scout camp. I weighed around 185, and for a 6 foot 2 inch male with a size 13 foot, that’s a little on the lanky side. As the years passed, my body filled out to a solid 225 pounds, and although I probably won’t complain if I lost a little bit of body fat, I must say that I love my body so much more now than when I was 19. I look like a man now. I finally fill out a pair of jeans. I don’t have to dance around in the shower to get wet.

After a few days of soaking in C’s comment, I realized that he probably helped me out more than he hurt me. First off, I enjoy my body, and I enjoy the process of whipping it into top form. I’m not in what I would consider the best shape of my life, but I’m certainly not doing bad, and if I keep up with things, it’s only going to get better. Second, this body isn’t going to last forever. I can whip it into shape all I want, but when I’m in my twilight years, it’s going to sag and wrinkle and do all the other things that come with age. A lasting relationship cannot be built on a body alone because the body will eventually wither. Third, if C doesn’t like my body, then he did me a humongous favor by letting me know. If I had what I consider to be my “perfect” body, I’d probably shed about 15 pounds, but not much more than that…because once I cross that 15 pound mark, I start to look sickly. And inevitably, over the years, I’m going to have periods where I’m 15 pounds lighter and other periods where I’m 15 pounds heavier. But in the big picture, we’re talking about 15 pounds, which I think is just ridiculous if that’s the single criterion one is using to turn down a date. If 15 pounds will scare off a guy, then he isn’t someone I would want to date to begin with.

To summarize my lesson learned by this encounter, I will not let someone else define how I should feel about my looks – that is up to me alone. I will continue to work on the parts of my physique that I feel merit attention, and I will celebrate my current accomplishments and future successes. Further, I will refuse to let someone categorize me solely by my body. I have two degrees, a fabulous job, incredible friends, and the best family anyone could ask for. I’m ridiculously fun to be around, and I’m also easy to get to know and get along with. I am smart and funny, and I’m sharply focused on not taking myself too serious. I possess an unquenchable desire to squeeze the most enjoyment out of life possible. I’m the kind of person a guy would love to take home to meet their mother.

Frankly, if C is going to overstep all the great things about me for 15 pounds, then I really should thank him for auto-removing himself from the pool of people I actually would date. Onward and upward!

Let's Call It A Day

I've dated a few people (in case you weren't aware), but I'm not really good at remaining friends with them after the fact.  There are a couple who are an exception, but that's mainly because I was pretty good friends with them to begin with and so it wasn't weird to transition back to that afterward.  All the guys from my major relationships though?  We just don't talk. 

When there is a break-up, I need distance from the situation and that distance turns into never really talking again.  I'm positive I'm not the only one who does this either.  Honestly, I just can't fathom being close to someone I was in love with outside of a relationship.  I have to break the connection completely in order to heal and move on.  How do you remain friends with someone you cared so much for without going nuts? 

All of this talk is leading somewhere, don't worry!  See, I have this person who I dated on and off for a while, but it just never seemed to work out.  (Wait, let me rephrase that: it would NEVER work out, for a variety of reasons.)  We started kind of seeing each other when I needed a distraction from my life and he was looking for someone to listen to him.  It seemed easy.  Then it got complicated.  Feelings got involved, which I wasn't really ready for, and the circumstances surrounding the time we got to spend together started to make me a little crazy.  It just wasn't working.  After a small argument, we kind of stopped communicating. 

After a little time and a few apologizes, we seemed to pick up where we left off.  Then something happened and it ended again.  This cycle happened a few more times and it shouldn't have.  He had me on a bit of a yo-yo and I just went along with it because I thought he was important, when I should have save us both some time and ended it with finality.  Unfortunately, I cared about him, loved him too much to let it go and I would get lost in the spin again.  In hindsight, I feel like he would feel a bit needy or lonely and seek me out because I'm a little bit of a sucker.  I can't blame him for everything though, since I could have walked away or said no at any time - I just wasn't strong enough.

We tried being friends, but it seemed like he always initiated something during that friendship period.  That might have been wrong of him, but the fact is I didn't put a stop to it.

He and I haven't been around each other or even talked for a while, so I thought it was done.  Then, last week, I get a few flirty texts from him.  Later that same day, I find out that he's 'serious' with his girl.  Okay, now I'm confused.  He sends a few more texts, which I don't answer. 

Then he calls.

Guys, he wants to be friends!  He cares about me and doesn't want anything to feel weird!  He wants me to be normal around him!  Can't we just do that?

No.  No, we can't.

I had to talk about my feelings and everything y'all.  I detest that junk, but I was honest and told him that I needed some space.  I was confused about the whole situation and didn't know if I could really be around him and feel okay.  He didn't like that answer.  He reminded me that I been dating other people!  I had been doing the same thing he was!  I should just be able to do it!

The thing is, I'm not asking him to be my friend.  I'm not asking anything of him, except some distance.  I don't know what being his friend looks like.  I don't know what normal around him looks like.  I've tried both of those things only to be accused of ignoring him or being cold.  I'm not sure where to go from here and I need some time to figure that out.

After time, I'm sure that feelings dissipate, anger subsides, hurt recedes and real friendship blooms, but I'm not ready yet.  I need time.  Lots of it.  If he's unwilling to give me room to breathe, he's being completely unfair.  He wants a friendship on his terms, like he wanted a relationship on his terms.  It just doesn't work that way, guy.  It's got to be mutual, and right now, it isn't. 

~j

Ways I Fail at Dates: Vol. 3

Well, I've successfully gotten someone else to ask me out.  I know!  It's crazy, right?  I'm not exactly sure how I'm doing it, although I'm fairly sure it has to do with my clear awesomeness and extra humility.  Either that or he's feeling lonely and doesn't want to spend another Friday night alone, eating Ben and Jerry's and listening to the new Taylor Swift album on repeat.

In these pre-date moments, I usually pull back the curtain and show you guys my neurotic brain processes.  (I wrote about other ways I fail at dates here and here, in case you missed them!)  Don't worry, I'm going to do that today, but I also want to assure you kids that I'm going into the date like I go into life: with my head down and attempting to not make any sudden movements.  (Kidding!  I'll be delightful, smiley and semi self-effacing, like usual.)

I don't know how this one is going to go - I've been talking to this guy on and off for a few weeks and this is the first time that our schedules have aligned.  Maybe all this waiting let us get to know either other better - to be honest, I'm not nervous in the least.  This either makes me jaded or just confident in the fact that he knows me and is still interested after all this time.  We'll see how it goes!  (And by that, I mean I'll write about it on Monday.  You're welcome in advance.)

Now, on to the important stuff - here's a few more ways I fail at dates:

Attempted Seriousness

We all know I'm not a serious kind of person.  I mean, I know HOW to be serious and the importance of a true heart to heart conversation, but it just isn't my sweet spot.  (Yes, I have made a mental note to work on that, thankyouverymuch.)  I love to make people laugh and enjoy time spent with people where we talk about light-hearted things.  When the conversation moves out of these bounds, especially on the first few dates, I fall apart.

Like, how serious is this conversation going to get?  How much should I reveal?  I don't want to put all my business on the table, but I also want to give enough so it feels like I'm sharing.  I've never been good at gauging that kind of stuff on dates.  I think it's the first or second date jitters combined with my inability to understand men.   

And I tend to get competitive in serious stories.  Things like: "Oh, you broke your wrist in college? Well, I had to have emergency surgery and my parents had to drive 7 hours to get to the hospital." and "Oh, you had trouble in school? Well, I didn't. At all.  In fact, I had a 4.0 in grad school."  How frightfully unattractive.  I'm going to try not to do that today.

Dorkiness

I'm not a supreme dork.  I haven't seen all the Star Wars movies, I don't watch Doctor Who (I just don't get it!), I'm not sure what a Battlestar Galatica or a Cosplay is and I don't read graphic novels.  I do, however, speak in weird accents, get geeked out over certain TV shows, have a clumsy streak and snort when I laugh.  I'm kinda a dork...just a liiiiiitttllllee bit.  I know that you should be authentic during dates, but maybe I shouldn't reveal that I wikipedia every 'The Walking Dead' character, just yet.

Over-Agreeableness

I just took a personality profile that told me that my highest trait was being "agreeable."  Not to prove it's point, but I'm agreeable to that assessment.  I tend to go with the flow.  Some people might see this as being indecisive, but I view it as the ability to have a good time, no matter what I'm doing.  (And I'm crap at making decisions.)

Usually, this is a good thing, but occasionally, it gets me into trouble.  I agree to second dates where we're shooting giant guns or I say something dumb like, "Oh, sure! Bungee jumping sounds SO fun!  And so does diving with sharks! And so does all the ridiculously awful things you're suggesting we do sometime because they are 'adventurous'!"  BUNGEE JUMPING DOES NOT SOUND LIKE FUN.  I don't want my body attached to a glorified rubber band and then hurdle myself off of a perfectly good bridge in hopes that it snaps me back from the brink of death.  This is being TOO agreeable.  I need to learn to give myself boundaries.  I need to learn how to shut up!  

And for future reference, I'm not a thrill-seeker.  I am a mug of hot chocolate, blanket and comfy couch seeker.  I am a local band concert, followed by a hamburger seeker.  I am a funny movie and slice of pizza seeker - just to clear that up.

~j