Not As Smart As We Thought We Were, Are We Now?

As much as I would like to think I'm never at fault, occasionally (very occasionally) I make the wrong move.  I am, as my friend Melissa says, "the destroyer."  I take perfectly good relationships and somehow find a way to run them into the ground.  I push people away - boy, am I ever good at that! - because I don't want to bother them with my problems.  I want to be the fun one!, the happy one!, the positive one!, but it isn't possible to do that all the time.  Sure everyone has their off days, but my last minor breakdown was poorly timed.

Maybe I haven't been completely honest, so don't hold it against me, but I have someone in my life that is pretty special.  I talk to him about everything and I haven't been this comfortable being myself around someone in, well, ever.  He's sweet and kind, even when he doesn't have to be, especially when I do my whole "I don't need you" dance.  I've been playing it cool, because that's what I do, but it just feels inauthentic.  I want to word vomit my feelings all over Mr. Wonderful, but I'm trying (albeit rather unsuccessfully) to keep all my thoughts to myself.

I totally offended him this weekend.  I was having a bad day, shut down and took it out on him.  He was trying to be there for me and I took it for granted.  Now, he doesn't want to talk to me because I'm a big ol' dummy.  Great.  What's worse is that he's actually a great friend and I probably ruined that too.  I could have just said, "You know, I'm upset, but I'm not ready to talk about it," but I didn't - because I'm an idiot.  I was so distracted by the situation that I locked my keys and purse in my trunk, then had to wait 2.5 hours in the CVS parking lot for Pop-A-Lock.  Yay on that.

At which point in my adult life did I become so complicated?  I used to be breezy and now I'm a pool of dark, muddy water.  I keep running things over in my head, because I'm a girl and I fixate.  I'm fixating now - can you tell?  Why does it take something like running someone off to bring me back to reality?  It's possible that everything will blow over, right?

Gah.  I need a Diet Pepsi, stat.