No Date For You!

There are worse things I can be than 30 and unmarried, right?  Let's name some: a serial killer, a terrorist, a thief, a liar, a dead person.  Those are way worse, but I guess maybe I'm underestimating the weight of my new age and my relationship status (or lack thereof).

I am turning into a pariah.

Okay, okay, it's not all that harsh, but I'm the last of a dying breed.  In certain circles, I'm an anomaly.  (I have to admit, most of my closest friends are married and many of them have children.  And good for them!  I'm a little envious!)  The other day, someone older told me that I need to date everyone and anyone, because time is of the essence.

What in the what?  Are you for serious?

Just because I want to find a partner doesn't mean I shouldn't have standards.  It certainly doesn't mean I should go out on date with someone I don't want to - if I did that my dance card would be full of old, hairy men and young guys with no job and a really bad McDonald's habit.  There must be dealbreakers.  That comment drove me to compile a list of my 'dealbreakers.'

I will probably not date you if:

• You aren't close with your family, for no good reason.
• You are too close with your family.
• You are void of personality.
• See also: a sense of humor
• You smell like day old bread, rotting garbage, and/or like you haven't showered since 9th grade.
• You bear any resemblance to the lead singer of Nickleback, my father or any of the members of One Direction.
• You listen to and like Nickleback and/or Creed and/or any other type of grandpa rock.
• You don't get my references to not-so-obscure 80's movie - this probably means you are too young to date me.
• You wear white tennis shoes.
• See also: skinny jeans.
• See also: cowboy hats, if you are not a cowboy.
• See also: eyeliner, if you are not a rock star.
• See also: tapered jeans.
• See also: jeans with overly embroidered pockets.
• See also: women's clothing.
• You use more skin products than I.  (Nearly impossible, so I'm giving a wide berth here.)
• You are rude, disrespectful or otherwise in need of an etiquette class.
• You have dated anyone I know for longer than 3 months.
• You have multiple children by a variety of women.
• You do not laugh at my jokes.  I am funny.  You should laugh.
• You cyberstalk me.
• You quote me...to me.

That isn't a lot NOT to ask for, is it?  I don't think so either.  I'm glad you agree.

~j