I just want to preface this entry by saying that I do, in fact, think and do other things besides date. I promise! I may write about dating (and nothing but), but I assure you, I don't just troll the Internet and scour the streets for dates wearing an 'I'm available' sandwich board...although that WOULD make for a good blog, wouldn't it?
Since I'm waist deep in this whole dating life, I found a shift in the men that are available for dating at this point. Plainly, the most decent guys I come in contact with are A LOT older than I am. Most of them have been married before and many of them have kids. This is a hard mental adjustment. I want to say, emphatically, I have absolutely no issue with any of the things I listed above, but when I sat down and actually thought about it, it's so different for me.
I mean, I'm meeting guys in the LATE 30's. That's almost 40 guys. I just had to make the transition to being 30 and now I'm thrust into this whole world of people who are 40? They're established. They have steady priorities. They're more laid back. They aren't going to like when I take a dare to get up on a table in the middle of a crowded place and sing a song. (Notice how I'm avoiding saying: THEY'RE OLD.) I'm not sure they'll get me. I'm afraid I'm not grown up enough for them.
On the other side of the coin are guys who are in their mid-20's and somehow find me awesome. I think this has a lot to do with my level of confidence, lack of shame/embarrassment and not caring one bit about what people think of me. Girls (okay, MOST girls) their age are totally concerned with the wrong thing. I'm different for them. At the same time, they haven't gone through anything, they're just starting out. I'm ready to move forward and they're just figure out what forward means for them. We're not in the same place either.
So, I'm stuck.
The last time I was really dating I was in my mid-20's - everyone out there was kinda my age. It was simple to find someone who was in your place in life, who wasn't jaded, who was willing to take a chance. Now, not so may years later, everyone has a backstory, is far more cautious and is sometimes skeptical of love. It's almost like a reversal; if you're still dating or you're having to get thrown back into the dating pool by the time you're in your 30's, you have dealt with a lot of stuff that makes you lose your appreciation for meeting new people. It becomes a chore, more so than something fun. You don't really want to spend time going on another bad date.
The question is: where do I go? Up or down? I think the answer is, I'll know it by the person, not by their age. You can be young and jaded. You can be old and hopeful. It's dependent on the person, not their circumstances. Awesomeness knows no age limit, so neither should I.
~j
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
What Is Wrong With You?
(Before I start today's entry can I admit something? I can? Good. When I write these things, I almost always envision myself as Doogie Howser sitting at his early 90's computer, writing his diary. Just had to get that out there.)
That admission may make what I'm about to say harder for me to defend, but so be it. The guys I'm running into these days are weird. And flaky. And kinda jerky. And don't realize how awful they sound. It's a nice guy drought, y'all. I must be going through the dating version of Death Valley.
Listen, I know I'm a little quirky, but I would consider myself a fairly regular person. I'm not talking about only drinking almond milk or loving Dr. Who a little too much weird here - I'm talking about strangely acting, hot and cold, utterly unbelievable men.
I know you're saying to yourself, 'Jeana, it can't be that bad! We know how you like to exaggerate for comedic effect.' While the latter part is true, the fact remains that I've been surrounded by guys who don't think. They started off as perfectly nice, interesting guys. They ended up being good stories I can relate to you, so I guess someone wins here!
The Friend of a Not-So-Close Friend
I had this group of friends I was really close with until some of them moved away. After the core people left, those of us left drifted apart a bit. I kept up with everyone on Facebook (read: I stalked them when I was bored), but I never really saw them. Interestingly enough, I got a random message from a friend of one of these "friends by association" one afternoon. I knew a little about him, mostly bad stuff to be honest, but I decided to give him a chance because I would want people to do the same for me. (The lesson here is I'm TOO nice and I should have listened to what people said.)
We started texting occasionally and I found myself a little interested. One night invited me to hang out and I agreed, even though I had just gone running and looked a hot mess. I plopped on some deodorant, put back on my work clothes and headed over. One of his friends happened to show up and relayed some interesting information to me: this guy had just broken up with his girlfriend THAT VERY DAY. So, the whole time he was texting me, he had been dating someone. Yup. My feelings weren't hurt or anything, but I did think it was indicative of his character and it was a major turn-off. Needless to say, I'm not interested in him anymore.
Mr. Chip on His Shoulder
I think the name gives it away, but this guy was so bitter about everything! The World Series, his work schedule, his old job, his past loves - anything he could have a problem with, he did. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend, WHO MOVED TO TOWN FOR HIM because he just didn't like her anymore. I wasn't sure about this guy at all, but, again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Until I heard something that would make me think, where have I gone wrong in this life? During a quick conversation one morning, he told me that he would maybe "add me to the list of people [he's] spoiling" that was "currently [a list] of two." I'm sorry? Were you trying to be cute here or did you actually just tell me that you have other women that you might be dating that you felt the need to inform me of? I don't care that you're dating around - I mean, I am too - but is it really necessary for you to tell me that information? No. And it kinda makes you look like a jerk.
The Kid
I hesitated even writing about this one, because I know he occasionally glances at this, but I'm not going to let his possible reading prevent me from telling you guys. Around my birthday I went on a few dates with this guy who's a little bit younger than me - hence the nickname "The Kid." He seemed super nice, was terribly cute and seemed pretty into everything I had going on (although, I can't blame him on that part!). The day after my birthday, he told me that he felt overwhelmed with our situation (mind you, we'd been on THREE dates) and that he couldn't see me anymore. Now, this bummed me out, but those were his feelings and I'm not going to try to talk someone into or out of anything. I just let it go and chalked it up to experience.
I moved on, but a few weeks ago he texted me and told me he had messed up. I didn't want to be a jerk, so I had lunch with him, skeptical, but I understood where he was coming from. He seemed to be more sure this time and the whole thing seemed romantic to me. We started talking and hanging out a little and I was enjoying myself! And what happened? He bailed on me again. He apologized and said he needed to get himself together. Okay. <-That was literally my response. I'm confused on this one. I'm not sure what happened, but I know it doesn't have to do with me. And if it does, then I really need to adjust my self-perception.
My Conclusions
1. I must need to learn something, otherwise why would I be meeting these people?
2. I am entirely too nice.
3. I need to have a better filtering system.
4. I should have my friends pick out my dates, because they have to be able to do better than me.
~j
That admission may make what I'm about to say harder for me to defend, but so be it. The guys I'm running into these days are weird. And flaky. And kinda jerky. And don't realize how awful they sound. It's a nice guy drought, y'all. I must be going through the dating version of Death Valley.
Listen, I know I'm a little quirky, but I would consider myself a fairly regular person. I'm not talking about only drinking almond milk or loving Dr. Who a little too much weird here - I'm talking about strangely acting, hot and cold, utterly unbelievable men.
I know you're saying to yourself, 'Jeana, it can't be that bad! We know how you like to exaggerate for comedic effect.' While the latter part is true, the fact remains that I've been surrounded by guys who don't think. They started off as perfectly nice, interesting guys. They ended up being good stories I can relate to you, so I guess someone wins here!
The Friend of a Not-So-Close Friend
I had this group of friends I was really close with until some of them moved away. After the core people left, those of us left drifted apart a bit. I kept up with everyone on Facebook (read: I stalked them when I was bored), but I never really saw them. Interestingly enough, I got a random message from a friend of one of these "friends by association" one afternoon. I knew a little about him, mostly bad stuff to be honest, but I decided to give him a chance because I would want people to do the same for me. (The lesson here is I'm TOO nice and I should have listened to what people said.)
We started texting occasionally and I found myself a little interested. One night invited me to hang out and I agreed, even though I had just gone running and looked a hot mess. I plopped on some deodorant, put back on my work clothes and headed over. One of his friends happened to show up and relayed some interesting information to me: this guy had just broken up with his girlfriend THAT VERY DAY. So, the whole time he was texting me, he had been dating someone. Yup. My feelings weren't hurt or anything, but I did think it was indicative of his character and it was a major turn-off. Needless to say, I'm not interested in him anymore.
Mr. Chip on His Shoulder
I think the name gives it away, but this guy was so bitter about everything! The World Series, his work schedule, his old job, his past loves - anything he could have a problem with, he did. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend, WHO MOVED TO TOWN FOR HIM because he just didn't like her anymore. I wasn't sure about this guy at all, but, again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Until I heard something that would make me think, where have I gone wrong in this life? During a quick conversation one morning, he told me that he would maybe "add me to the list of people [he's] spoiling" that was "currently [a list] of two." I'm sorry? Were you trying to be cute here or did you actually just tell me that you have other women that you might be dating that you felt the need to inform me of? I don't care that you're dating around - I mean, I am too - but is it really necessary for you to tell me that information? No. And it kinda makes you look like a jerk.
The Kid
I hesitated even writing about this one, because I know he occasionally glances at this, but I'm not going to let his possible reading prevent me from telling you guys. Around my birthday I went on a few dates with this guy who's a little bit younger than me - hence the nickname "The Kid." He seemed super nice, was terribly cute and seemed pretty into everything I had going on (although, I can't blame him on that part!). The day after my birthday, he told me that he felt overwhelmed with our situation (mind you, we'd been on THREE dates) and that he couldn't see me anymore. Now, this bummed me out, but those were his feelings and I'm not going to try to talk someone into or out of anything. I just let it go and chalked it up to experience.
I moved on, but a few weeks ago he texted me and told me he had messed up. I didn't want to be a jerk, so I had lunch with him, skeptical, but I understood where he was coming from. He seemed to be more sure this time and the whole thing seemed romantic to me. We started talking and hanging out a little and I was enjoying myself! And what happened? He bailed on me again. He apologized and said he needed to get himself together. Okay. <-That was literally my response. I'm confused on this one. I'm not sure what happened, but I know it doesn't have to do with me. And if it does, then I really need to adjust my self-perception.
My Conclusions
1. I must need to learn something, otherwise why would I be meeting these people?
2. I am entirely too nice.
3. I need to have a better filtering system.
4. I should have my friends pick out my dates, because they have to be able to do better than me.
~j
Monday, October 29, 2012
I Don't Have Time For This
It's been a while since my last post, I know, but life has been busy. Between work, friends, family, personal obligations and pumping up my running schedule, I don't have a lot of time to spare. And I'm NOT complaining - I love it! My life is really full these days.
With my life being so busy, I commented aloud to a friend about how I couldn't even find time to have a date, much less have a boyfriend. At some point, I started to think about what would happen if I tried to actually date someone. As in, really trying to have a legitimate relationship. How would I ever fit them into my already packed life? Do I even have time to invest in a relationship right now? I feel like I don't have a lot of time for myself, so where would I carve out time for someone else?
I asked myself about 17,000 variations of those questions before I came to the conclusion that if something is important to you, you make time for it. It's pretty simple that way. If someone comes into my life that is just amazing, why wouldn't I make the effort to spend time with me? It's silly to think I would do otherwise. Would I really let someone great get away, simply because I have to run one less day a week? No, of course not.
I'm really selfish with my time right now - but it's because I can be. I can do what I want to, when I want to and not have to feel guilty about it. I don't have to run my plans by anyone, I don't have to schedule around someone else's plans, I don't have to consider anyone but myself. It's kind of awesome, I must say. At the same time, it gets a little old doing everything by yourself. There has to be a balance.
What occurred to me a little later is that I may be hiding behind the fact that I'm so busy in an effort to try and avoid dating. If I'm too busy, I don't have to enter into the competitive dating world fully. I can just blame the fact that I don't have anyone important in my life on my active schedule. Being too overcommitted is something that people understand! The excuses just go from there: How could I ever fit in one more thing? It's understandable that I want to wait for everything to settle down before adding another piece to the puzzle. And it's only fair to the person I might date - they need me to be present! I'm just making up more reasons not to try.
If I'm serious about finding a partner, I have to be a partner. I should be able to make time for someone easily, especially if they go to the trouble to making time for me. It's a give and take - I can't just take and expect that everyone is going to give (even though that would be nice, right?). I can't hide behind the fact that I'm busy to save myself from having to put myself out there. If they're worth me shuffling around my commitments, I'll know it. Until then, I'm doing what I want, because, well, I can.
~j
With my life being so busy, I commented aloud to a friend about how I couldn't even find time to have a date, much less have a boyfriend. At some point, I started to think about what would happen if I tried to actually date someone. As in, really trying to have a legitimate relationship. How would I ever fit them into my already packed life? Do I even have time to invest in a relationship right now? I feel like I don't have a lot of time for myself, so where would I carve out time for someone else?
I asked myself about 17,000 variations of those questions before I came to the conclusion that if something is important to you, you make time for it. It's pretty simple that way. If someone comes into my life that is just amazing, why wouldn't I make the effort to spend time with me? It's silly to think I would do otherwise. Would I really let someone great get away, simply because I have to run one less day a week? No, of course not.
I'm really selfish with my time right now - but it's because I can be. I can do what I want to, when I want to and not have to feel guilty about it. I don't have to run my plans by anyone, I don't have to schedule around someone else's plans, I don't have to consider anyone but myself. It's kind of awesome, I must say. At the same time, it gets a little old doing everything by yourself. There has to be a balance.
What occurred to me a little later is that I may be hiding behind the fact that I'm so busy in an effort to try and avoid dating. If I'm too busy, I don't have to enter into the competitive dating world fully. I can just blame the fact that I don't have anyone important in my life on my active schedule. Being too overcommitted is something that people understand! The excuses just go from there: How could I ever fit in one more thing? It's understandable that I want to wait for everything to settle down before adding another piece to the puzzle. And it's only fair to the person I might date - they need me to be present! I'm just making up more reasons not to try.
If I'm serious about finding a partner, I have to be a partner. I should be able to make time for someone easily, especially if they go to the trouble to making time for me. It's a give and take - I can't just take and expect that everyone is going to give (even though that would be nice, right?). I can't hide behind the fact that I'm busy to save myself from having to put myself out there. If they're worth me shuffling around my commitments, I'll know it. Until then, I'm doing what I want, because, well, I can.
~j
Friday, October 12, 2012
The World Wide Dating Web
I've got to confess something to you guys - I have delved into the world of online dating. I'm taking it seriously too. There are so many reasons behind it, but I think the simplest of those is the fact that I just don't meet very many new people. Of those I do meet, only a small portion of those are guys, and of those, an even smaller portion are single. I needed a bigger pond from which to fish. Building a profile on a trusted site was easy and made me take a step of my ever-narrowing comfort zone.
This whole online dating thing is kinda crazy. At first, I was super overwhelmed. THERE ARE SO MANY GUYS! AND THEY ARE ALL SINGLE! You have to sift through so much information looking for a suitable match. (By the way, people really put a lot of information in their little profiles - but that is totally helpful. You find out a lot of stuff and get a feeling for their personality.)
Once you have somehow located someone you are remotely interested in, you send them a message. Then you wait. If you're lucky, you may get a message back. Then whole back and forth communication starts and you're trying to be the best version of yourself, but somehow you find your dorky little habits creeping in. And if you're super lucky, you might actually get a date.
There are plenty of downsides though. See the thing is, you can see people who view your profile. So, these are guys who looked at the pictures you've painstakingly cropped and the answers to questions you spent an afternoon pouring over, choosing just the right words and decided, "Nah." I'm okay with it, but I'd rather not even see that part. I don't really need to know that. I really could go the rest of my life and not see who's 'viewed me.' Truly.
What's even worse than that is when someone blocks you and you haven't even spoken to them. So, not only can I see that you have viewed me, but then it's followed up by a block. A definitive statement that says, "I no likey you." They could simply just overlook me, but they wanted to make sure I was out of their match zone. Harsh. In the end, I don't really care, because they are clearly not the person I'm supposed to end up with, but it is a little shock to the ego, you know?
Then there are those guys you see and think, "WOWZA, he's great!," and send a message, but that message never gets answered. Or you're talking to someone and then the messages just stop - after which you're left to contemplate where exactly you went wrong. An internal conversation like this usually happens after: 'What did I say? Was it my extended speech on the quality of programs on PBS and AMC? Or maybe it was my habit of using already overused catch-phrases? I would ask, but we all know I'm not going to do that. Blerg.'
Even with all those negatives, online dating simplifies everything in general. You don't have to ask yourself if someone you just met thinks you're dateable. If someone is interested, it's uncomplicated: he just send me a little message. If he doesn't, at least I haven't spent countless hours of my life (and my friend's lives, recounting stories to them) wondering if he 'like likes' me. It's non-confrontational, informal and laid back. I kind like/love it.
Also, I'm sure it's going to give me great stories for the blog. You're welcome in advance.
~j
This whole online dating thing is kinda crazy. At first, I was super overwhelmed. THERE ARE SO MANY GUYS! AND THEY ARE ALL SINGLE! You have to sift through so much information looking for a suitable match. (By the way, people really put a lot of information in their little profiles - but that is totally helpful. You find out a lot of stuff and get a feeling for their personality.)
Once you have somehow located someone you are remotely interested in, you send them a message. Then you wait. If you're lucky, you may get a message back. Then whole back and forth communication starts and you're trying to be the best version of yourself, but somehow you find your dorky little habits creeping in. And if you're super lucky, you might actually get a date.
There are plenty of downsides though. See the thing is, you can see people who view your profile. So, these are guys who looked at the pictures you've painstakingly cropped and the answers to questions you spent an afternoon pouring over, choosing just the right words and decided, "Nah." I'm okay with it, but I'd rather not even see that part. I don't really need to know that. I really could go the rest of my life and not see who's 'viewed me.' Truly.
What's even worse than that is when someone blocks you and you haven't even spoken to them. So, not only can I see that you have viewed me, but then it's followed up by a block. A definitive statement that says, "I no likey you." They could simply just overlook me, but they wanted to make sure I was out of their match zone. Harsh. In the end, I don't really care, because they are clearly not the person I'm supposed to end up with, but it is a little shock to the ego, you know?
Then there are those guys you see and think, "WOWZA, he's great!," and send a message, but that message never gets answered. Or you're talking to someone and then the messages just stop - after which you're left to contemplate where exactly you went wrong. An internal conversation like this usually happens after: 'What did I say? Was it my extended speech on the quality of programs on PBS and AMC? Or maybe it was my habit of using already overused catch-phrases? I would ask, but we all know I'm not going to do that. Blerg.'
Even with all those negatives, online dating simplifies everything in general. You don't have to ask yourself if someone you just met thinks you're dateable. If someone is interested, it's uncomplicated: he just send me a little message. If he doesn't, at least I haven't spent countless hours of my life (and my friend's lives, recounting stories to them) wondering if he 'like likes' me. It's non-confrontational, informal and laid back. I kind like/love it.
Also, I'm sure it's going to give me great stories for the blog. You're welcome in advance.
~j
Thursday, October 11, 2012
The Let-Down
I've got to be honest, the past two weeks have been chock full of bummers and gnarly happenings. It just seems like when I think the bad stuff is done, it starts anew. I know I'm not the only one to feel this way either. Putting it in perspective though, it's not half of what some people have to deal with and I should be grateful for that. Right? Right. I just need to get over the hump.
The good news is I've learned a few things and I'm feeling pretty good about life. The only thing that remains on my plate? Having to have a real, actual conversation with someone about how I'm not interested in dating them.
I've tried dropping hints, talked about going on other dates, referred to him as a friend and nothing has dissuaded him. (Now, I can't blame him for that, of course. It is ME he's going after.) I've never been in this situation before. I'm not even sure where to start. How do you say something like to someone?
Here's a little background about the situation without giving too much away:
He's a friend of a friend and he's really, incredibly nice. Like REALLY nice. He's successful, is stable and is pretty fun to be around. We had been talking, but I never got the inclination that he was interested in me in that way. (I was totally fine with that, by the way, because I wasn't really attracted to him.) It wasn't until last week when we hung out that I got the feeling he would like to hang out as more than friends. The clue?, I can hear you ask. Oh, just the fact he kept giving me little touches. And HE TRIED TO KISS ME. I did a quick side-step, side-hug move that prevented him from the bullseye (i.e. my face), but it was a close one kids. Too close.
I know what you're thinking - Jeana, you said he was nice! He has a great job! And a house! Well, gentle reader, that means bupkis if you aren't romantically interested in the person. It really is too bad, but that is the way it is. I really tried to see myself with this guy and just couldn't. It's the classic 'good on paper' scenario: he's fantastic and perfect in list form, but he's just not my person.
While I would just like to pretend this issue isn't really an issue, the fact remains I have to say something. It's unkind not to at this point. I don't want him to feel like he's been led on (something I am NOT doing) and I definitely don't want him to waste his time. I really do want to be friends with this guy and that can't happen if I keep letting this drag out.
These days, it seems like we just let situations like this just drag on and on. There's a way to tell someone that you just aren't interested without being callous or uncaring.
But it's not just that fear of having to have a conversation about real stuff that prevents us from talking about it, is it? No, it isn't. We also like the attention, even if it's from the wrong person. It's nice having someone pay you a compliment, it boosts your ego a little to know that someone out there wants you. It's natural to like that, but at some point it's cruel.
I don't want to be mean, but I don't want to hide behind the idea that telling him he's barking up the wrong tree is unkind. (I'll probably phrase that differently, just FYI.) This non-confrontational gal is going to have to buck up and be totally honest. I think I'm going to say exactly what I would want someone to say to me. I also think I'll probably want to throw up. Sure, it may be uncomfortable for me, but in the long run it's better that I'm just forthcoming.
Wish me luck.
~j
The good news is I've learned a few things and I'm feeling pretty good about life. The only thing that remains on my plate? Having to have a real, actual conversation with someone about how I'm not interested in dating them.
I've tried dropping hints, talked about going on other dates, referred to him as a friend and nothing has dissuaded him. (Now, I can't blame him for that, of course. It is ME he's going after.) I've never been in this situation before. I'm not even sure where to start. How do you say something like to someone?
Here's a little background about the situation without giving too much away:
He's a friend of a friend and he's really, incredibly nice. Like REALLY nice. He's successful, is stable and is pretty fun to be around. We had been talking, but I never got the inclination that he was interested in me in that way. (I was totally fine with that, by the way, because I wasn't really attracted to him.) It wasn't until last week when we hung out that I got the feeling he would like to hang out as more than friends. The clue?, I can hear you ask. Oh, just the fact he kept giving me little touches. And HE TRIED TO KISS ME. I did a quick side-step, side-hug move that prevented him from the bullseye (i.e. my face), but it was a close one kids. Too close.
I know what you're thinking - Jeana, you said he was nice! He has a great job! And a house! Well, gentle reader, that means bupkis if you aren't romantically interested in the person. It really is too bad, but that is the way it is. I really tried to see myself with this guy and just couldn't. It's the classic 'good on paper' scenario: he's fantastic and perfect in list form, but he's just not my person.
While I would just like to pretend this issue isn't really an issue, the fact remains I have to say something. It's unkind not to at this point. I don't want him to feel like he's been led on (something I am NOT doing) and I definitely don't want him to waste his time. I really do want to be friends with this guy and that can't happen if I keep letting this drag out.
These days, it seems like we just let situations like this just drag on and on. There's a way to tell someone that you just aren't interested without being callous or uncaring.
But it's not just that fear of having to have a conversation about real stuff that prevents us from talking about it, is it? No, it isn't. We also like the attention, even if it's from the wrong person. It's nice having someone pay you a compliment, it boosts your ego a little to know that someone out there wants you. It's natural to like that, but at some point it's cruel.
I don't want to be mean, but I don't want to hide behind the idea that telling him he's barking up the wrong tree is unkind. (I'll probably phrase that differently, just FYI.) This non-confrontational gal is going to have to buck up and be totally honest. I think I'm going to say exactly what I would want someone to say to me. I also think I'll probably want to throw up. Sure, it may be uncomfortable for me, but in the long run it's better that I'm just forthcoming.
Wish me luck.
~j
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Can I Label You Now?
While I'm not even close to being at a stage to call anyone my boyfriend, I have a few friends that are at that awkward stage in their relationship where they have to have the dreaded DTR conversation. Yes, they feel like it's time to define the relationship. Are we dating? Are we exclusively dating? Are you my boyfriend/girlfriend? Do we go live with this on Facebook? Can I tweet about it?
So many questions.
You see all these movies or TV shows where the guy takes the female protagonist to some event and introduces her as his girlfriend. Naturally, she is taken aback and has a conversation with her friends like, "I didn't know he thought of me like that. We've never discussed it!" Secretly, though, she's written in her diary the week before how the ambiguity of the non-relationship is giving her heart palpitations and is going through various scenarios in her head on how she can bring in up "casually."
Those conversations are not easy to have. I've been lucky in that regard, since I usually find someone I like to hang out with and it just evolves into a relationship, which sort of defines itself. I like the simplicity of that, the natural agreement to be exclusive - there isn't a push and pull to it. I've never had to guess where I stand and if I did, I would probably be a puddle of self-doubt and confusion and annoy all my friends.
I'm not even sure how I would broach the topic. I am, as I have said before, a chicken. I would be completely incapable of talking. I would stutter, start and stop and then probably give up. (Confrontation isn't my strong suit.) I would go on about my life in this are we or aren't we limbo until he says something. And if he never said anything? Well, as much as I'd say I would just move on or be spurred to action, I would probably just be all romantic and hopeful that we would somehow work out and be together until the end of time. *Cut to him getting married to another chick*
Maybe there is something to this whole "definition" thing. I've never been one to label anything, but I can understand and appreciate that some people need that definitive statement from the person they are seeing. It makes it easier to know where you are going, if you know what exactly you are.
~j
So many questions.
You see all these movies or TV shows where the guy takes the female protagonist to some event and introduces her as his girlfriend. Naturally, she is taken aback and has a conversation with her friends like, "I didn't know he thought of me like that. We've never discussed it!" Secretly, though, she's written in her diary the week before how the ambiguity of the non-relationship is giving her heart palpitations and is going through various scenarios in her head on how she can bring in up "casually."
Those conversations are not easy to have. I've been lucky in that regard, since I usually find someone I like to hang out with and it just evolves into a relationship, which sort of defines itself. I like the simplicity of that, the natural agreement to be exclusive - there isn't a push and pull to it. I've never had to guess where I stand and if I did, I would probably be a puddle of self-doubt and confusion and annoy all my friends.
I'm not even sure how I would broach the topic. I am, as I have said before, a chicken. I would be completely incapable of talking. I would stutter, start and stop and then probably give up. (Confrontation isn't my strong suit.) I would go on about my life in this are we or aren't we limbo until he says something. And if he never said anything? Well, as much as I'd say I would just move on or be spurred to action, I would probably just be all romantic and hopeful that we would somehow work out and be together until the end of time. *Cut to him getting married to another chick*
Maybe there is something to this whole "definition" thing. I've never been one to label anything, but I can understand and appreciate that some people need that definitive statement from the person they are seeing. It makes it easier to know where you are going, if you know what exactly you are.
~j
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
First (and Maybe Last) Impressions
First off, I know many of you are wondering how my date last night went. (Okay, like, three of you.) If I'm being honest, I'm not sure about how it went. I had a little nervous chatter before the date (evidence of which can be found on Twitter), but I sucked it up. The date itself was great. We talked and laughed and I really did enjoy myself and felt comfortable, but I don't know how he felt. Oh, sweet mystery of life! I could just ask him, however I'd rather fixate and make myself crazy.
For some, the whole joy of dating is the excitement and anticipation of the first date.
Forget. That.
First dates are nerve-wracking, sometime uncomfortable and a source for my increasingly present heartburn. My butterflies somehow turn into bats. What would have been a cute gesture turns into an awkward hand motion that knocks my drink onto his pants. I snort and sneeze like a machine gun and laugh entirely too hard/loud. Food lodges itself in my teeth with inextractable force. I start to tell a story I think is funny and forget the humorous part, so it just turns into a tale about how I was made fun of in grade school and woe is me. While listening to my date, I zone out thinking about how I look at this precise moment and tune back in after he asks a question, which I will inevitably answer incorrectly. I just want to get the first date over with, because then there is a possible second date where I can feel a bit more relaxed.
I have to admit, I might exaggerate a little about my nervousness for comedic effort, but I really was jittery yesterday. I really did have a little bit of a freak out in the minutes leading up to actually going into the restaurant. I'm not sure what caused my anxiety, because, as it turns out, everything went just fine. I was, as many people suggested, just myself and nothing went terribly wrong. I can't ask for much more than that.
~j
For some, the whole joy of dating is the excitement and anticipation of the first date.
Forget. That.
First dates are nerve-wracking, sometime uncomfortable and a source for my increasingly present heartburn. My butterflies somehow turn into bats. What would have been a cute gesture turns into an awkward hand motion that knocks my drink onto his pants. I snort and sneeze like a machine gun and laugh entirely too hard/loud. Food lodges itself in my teeth with inextractable force. I start to tell a story I think is funny and forget the humorous part, so it just turns into a tale about how I was made fun of in grade school and woe is me. While listening to my date, I zone out thinking about how I look at this precise moment and tune back in after he asks a question, which I will inevitably answer incorrectly. I just want to get the first date over with, because then there is a possible second date where I can feel a bit more relaxed.
I have to admit, I might exaggerate a little about my nervousness for comedic effort, but I really was jittery yesterday. I really did have a little bit of a freak out in the minutes leading up to actually going into the restaurant. I'm not sure what caused my anxiety, because, as it turns out, everything went just fine. I was, as many people suggested, just myself and nothing went terribly wrong. I can't ask for much more than that.
~j
Monday, October 1, 2012
Ways I Fail at Dates: Vol. 2
Well, I have somehow tricked someone into asking me on a date. I'm exceptionally nervous because this guy is a little older and pretty much has his life together, while I'm still trying to figure everything out. I wrote a while ago about the ways I fail at dates and we all know how I like to over think everything, so I extended the list. Here is the addendum:
Intensity
There are certain things that I get really intense about when I discuss them. And sometimes those things are kind of unimportant. And sometimes that comes off as being a little bit crazy. I mean, just a little bit, not like boil your kid's rabbit crazy, but like, "Whoa, if she's this amped up just talking about this movie, I wonder what she'll be like about something that actually matters." You either really like that (chances: 1 in 10,000) or you don't (chances: everyone else). There is a fine line between being passionate and being fanatical.
Over-Sensitivity
We all know that I am just a wee bit sensitive. Sometimes someone can say something completely unrelated to me and I take it personally. This means bad news when it comes to dating. For instance, if someone makes a comment about my completely ridiculous loud laugh, I worry that it's annoying, try not to laugh for the rest of the night, then all my dates substandard jokes (in comparison to mine, of course) fall flat, then no one is having fun anymore, then my date goes home thinking, "What just happened?" and then I'm still alone. (Sidenote: That was the greatest run-on sentence I've ever written. Let's take a moment of reflection for it.) This oversensitivity is often complimented by my:
Self-Consciousness
I'm a pretty confident person about many things, but, like most girls, I do worry that I don't measure up physically. This issue is exacerbated by a first date.
Here is an excerpt from my brain during a date: What does my hair look like? Am I talking to much about my love for Diet Pepsi and/or Downton Abbey and/or ballet flats and/or cardigans? Is the pimple that somehow grew out of my chin overnight still covered by the entire stick of concealer I used? Oh, oh, oh - is he looking at the pimple now? I can't talk, cause if I do my chin will move and then the pimple will be more obvious. What did he just ask? Maybe I'll just take another bite of this food and buy some time. And, of course the food would fall down my shirt. Of course.
And that, my friends, is only the beginning.
Maybe what I'll focus on is the fact that I was so naturally charming that this guy asked me out. ON PURPOSE. I'm not sure you're taking the journey with me, so let me repeat - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT BE MY DELIGHTFUL SELF and he asked me out. He's clearly a genius and has incredible taste. He likes me already, I don't have to go in and try to win him over. The battle is already won - now I just have to translate that in a one-on-one atmosphere.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have to cover up a pimple and find a paper bag to breathe in.
~j
Intensity
There are certain things that I get really intense about when I discuss them. And sometimes those things are kind of unimportant. And sometimes that comes off as being a little bit crazy. I mean, just a little bit, not like boil your kid's rabbit crazy, but like, "Whoa, if she's this amped up just talking about this movie, I wonder what she'll be like about something that actually matters." You either really like that (chances: 1 in 10,000) or you don't (chances: everyone else). There is a fine line between being passionate and being fanatical.
Over-Sensitivity
We all know that I am just a wee bit sensitive. Sometimes someone can say something completely unrelated to me and I take it personally. This means bad news when it comes to dating. For instance, if someone makes a comment about my completely ridiculous loud laugh, I worry that it's annoying, try not to laugh for the rest of the night, then all my dates substandard jokes (in comparison to mine, of course) fall flat, then no one is having fun anymore, then my date goes home thinking, "What just happened?" and then I'm still alone. (Sidenote: That was the greatest run-on sentence I've ever written. Let's take a moment of reflection for it.) This oversensitivity is often complimented by my:
Self-Consciousness
I'm a pretty confident person about many things, but, like most girls, I do worry that I don't measure up physically. This issue is exacerbated by a first date.
Here is an excerpt from my brain during a date: What does my hair look like? Am I talking to much about my love for Diet Pepsi and/or Downton Abbey and/or ballet flats and/or cardigans? Is the pimple that somehow grew out of my chin overnight still covered by the entire stick of concealer I used? Oh, oh, oh - is he looking at the pimple now? I can't talk, cause if I do my chin will move and then the pimple will be more obvious. What did he just ask? Maybe I'll just take another bite of this food and buy some time. And, of course the food would fall down my shirt. Of course.
And that, my friends, is only the beginning.
Maybe what I'll focus on is the fact that I was so naturally charming that this guy asked me out. ON PURPOSE. I'm not sure you're taking the journey with me, so let me repeat - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BUT BE MY DELIGHTFUL SELF and he asked me out. He's clearly a genius and has incredible taste. He likes me already, I don't have to go in and try to win him over. The battle is already won - now I just have to translate that in a one-on-one atmosphere.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have to cover up a pimple and find a paper bag to breathe in.
~j
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