I have a boyfriend.
(Again.)
Let me preface this relationship update with a story about how I got to this point:
When I started this blog, I told myself I was going to try things I wouldn't have normally. I was going to allow myself to break out of this little shell I've created. I was going to give new people a chance. I was going to really have fun.
I was lying.
My heart was still healing from my break-up and I never gave myself time to process. Instead, I threw myself headfirst into a sea of confusing dating rituals - the kind I never had gotten a handle on in the first place. Bad move? Maybe, but the funny thing is I learned something.
I met a great guy (Mr. Wonderful) a few weeks ago. He's smart, sweet, kind, determined and likes all my annoying quirks...well, he likes them now anyway. I kinda kept myself from liking him as much as I felt like I did because there was a part of me that felt like I didn't deserve having someone that awesome in my life. I had a lot to do before I was good enough for him, so I kept him at arm's length as much as I could.
And the idea I wasn't good enough extended far beyond Mr. Wonderful, into other parts of my life that affected how I felt about nearly everything.
Then God spoke truth in my life.
I went on a trip with some teens for my church and God used every moment to remind me that what I was allowing myself to have was so much less than what He wanted for me. I was settling for a life that could be made great, if I would simply trust that He made wonderfully and He never makes mistakes. He was constantly trying to bless me and I was too ashamed to let Him, too scared to acknowledge the amazing things He is continuously doing in and through me. God made me good enough for anything, for everything and His love will see me through all things.
Whoa. My mind was blown. I was pushing away everything that God was giving me - job opportunities, new responsibilities, the kindness of my friends and family - because I didn't think I was deserving, and yet, He thought I was. He thinks I am.
So, why not take this chance and allow someone good, generous and kind to come into my life, especially when we have so much fun together? If it does work (and, ever the optimist, I hope it does), then I haven't lost anything. If it doesn't, surely I will learn something from it and be better for it.
Don't worry - I'm not going to stop blogging, but I'm sure it's going to change a little bit. Hopefully you guys will stick around and see "What Happens When I Have A Boyfriend."
With affection,
J
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Ways I Fail At Dates: Vol. 1
I am going on an actual date tonight, with a real, live boy. Since this is the first one I've had in a while, I starting thinking about the ways I could possibly mess it up (natch). I'm usually a big advocate of positive self-talk, but since I'm dusting off the old dating chops, I went into crisis mode. What do I wear? What if I'm wearing too much make-up/perfume/hairspray? What if I'm not wearing enough make-up/perfume/hairspray? And so on.
I made a list of the possible (read: probable) ways I could fail at this date. My hope is by identifying them, I can avoid them or something like that.
Being Annoying:
Sometimes I pay more attention to my phone than other people. Sometimes I am a jerk. Sometimes I crunch ice. Sometimes I laugh too loud, at things that weren't that funny. Sometimes (okay, okay, all the time) I talk too loudly.
Conversation Issues:
Sometimes I use too many words. Sometimes I don't use enough words. Sometimes the words I use are too much like an SAT prep class. Sometimes I trail off in the middle of a thought.
Eating Habits:
Sometimes I eat like someone is going to steal the plate from me. Sometimes I drop food all over myself. Sometimes I burp so loudly, people in the next county ask what that noise was.
Nerd Tendencies:
Sometimes I talk about library issues that no one but librarians care about. Sometimes I go in depth about some random movie trivia. Sometimes I bring up the fact I was a hopeless dresser in junior high and high school. Sometimes I discuss my love of first-person shooters. Sometimes I am Andrea Zuckerman.
Hipster-Related Snobbishness:
Sometimes I scoff at people's musical preferences. (One thing: I'm saying RIGHT NOW that Nickleback is excluded from this section, because NO ONE should like Nickleback and liking/listening to them is a total and complete dealbreaker.) Sometimes I think something that someone is watching is too mainstream. Sometimes I talk too much about Tom's/organic food/indie band/arthouse movies.
Whew. I'm sure there are more than this, since I'm inept at dating and all. Let's all hope I can avoid these and come out of this date unscathed.
~j
I made a list of the possible (read: probable) ways I could fail at this date. My hope is by identifying them, I can avoid them or something like that.
Being Annoying:
Sometimes I pay more attention to my phone than other people. Sometimes I am a jerk. Sometimes I crunch ice. Sometimes I laugh too loud, at things that weren't that funny. Sometimes (okay, okay, all the time) I talk too loudly.
Conversation Issues:
Sometimes I use too many words. Sometimes I don't use enough words. Sometimes the words I use are too much like an SAT prep class. Sometimes I trail off in the middle of a thought.
Eating Habits:
Sometimes I eat like someone is going to steal the plate from me. Sometimes I drop food all over myself. Sometimes I burp so loudly, people in the next county ask what that noise was.
Nerd Tendencies:
Sometimes I talk about library issues that no one but librarians care about. Sometimes I go in depth about some random movie trivia. Sometimes I bring up the fact I was a hopeless dresser in junior high and high school. Sometimes I discuss my love of first-person shooters. Sometimes I am Andrea Zuckerman.
Hipster-Related Snobbishness:
Sometimes I scoff at people's musical preferences. (One thing: I'm saying RIGHT NOW that Nickleback is excluded from this section, because NO ONE should like Nickleback and liking/listening to them is a total and complete dealbreaker.) Sometimes I think something that someone is watching is too mainstream. Sometimes I talk too much about Tom's/organic food/indie band/arthouse movies.
Whew. I'm sure there are more than this, since I'm inept at dating and all. Let's all hope I can avoid these and come out of this date unscathed.
~j
Friday, June 8, 2012
Is It That Easy?
Almost four weeks ago:
I was at a red light and had the windows down to let the hot, stale air escape. I was stuck in a little traffic. I was singing to myself, as per usual. I looked to my left and this pretty cute guy was looking at me smiling. Naturally, I assumed it was because I was a dork and was completely butchering that stupid "Call Me Maybe" song.
He shouted out, "Hey, let me get your number. I think I want to get to know you."
I did and I thought, "Whoa. Did that really just happen?"
Traffic moved and life went on.
Present day:
While I've texted back and forth a few times with Traffic Guy, nothing has really come of it, but that's okay because something important came out of our interaction.
A random guy asked for my number and I gave it to him. It was simple. It was hassle-free. It was worry-free. It was...great.
Is it always that easy? It doesn't have to be an epic struggle of wills? You don't have to worry about saying the right things? Or wear an outfit that makes you look both thin and somehow like you didn't spend 1 hour and 45 minutes deciding on it? Or become totally Woody Allen level neurotic and overthink everything? Have I been going at this the wrong way this whole time?
I didn't have to do anything but be willing to put myself out there, just a little. I was totally myself and this guy was still, beyond my own comprehension, interested. It's not that I'm not myself when I meet guys, but I do tone down my innate goofiness/immaturity. What's the point in that? A complete stranger became interested while I'm belting out the lyrics of a highly age inappropriate song with total disregard of how I look to others.
I can be me, the real me, and some guys will actually like that? Mind-boggling. Why did it take me this long to figure that out?
~j
I was at a red light and had the windows down to let the hot, stale air escape. I was stuck in a little traffic. I was singing to myself, as per usual. I looked to my left and this pretty cute guy was looking at me smiling. Naturally, I assumed it was because I was a dork and was completely butchering that stupid "Call Me Maybe" song.
He shouted out, "Hey, let me get your number. I think I want to get to know you."
I did and I thought, "Whoa. Did that really just happen?"
Traffic moved and life went on.
Present day:
While I've texted back and forth a few times with Traffic Guy, nothing has really come of it, but that's okay because something important came out of our interaction.
A random guy asked for my number and I gave it to him. It was simple. It was hassle-free. It was worry-free. It was...great.
Is it always that easy? It doesn't have to be an epic struggle of wills? You don't have to worry about saying the right things? Or wear an outfit that makes you look both thin and somehow like you didn't spend 1 hour and 45 minutes deciding on it? Or become totally Woody Allen level neurotic and overthink everything? Have I been going at this the wrong way this whole time?
I didn't have to do anything but be willing to put myself out there, just a little. I was totally myself and this guy was still, beyond my own comprehension, interested. It's not that I'm not myself when I meet guys, but I do tone down my innate goofiness/immaturity. What's the point in that? A complete stranger became interested while I'm belting out the lyrics of a highly age inappropriate song with total disregard of how I look to others.
I can be me, the real me, and some guys will actually like that? Mind-boggling. Why did it take me this long to figure that out?
~j
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Everything I Was, In a Box
I went to pick up my mail yesterday and amongst the Martha Stewart magazines and Netflix discs were a few packages waiting for me. Yay! I love packages! One was a mug - yay! I love hot drinks! In another, the diploma that signals the end of my disposable income for the next 17 years. - yay! And also, boo! The last one was a big, the contents of which were unknown, until I saw the handwriting on the label. The ex, E-Mail Man, had sent me back everything that was at his house, in a giant box - yay?
Everything I ever had at his house was in this box, from my junk tennis shoes I asked him to throw out 7 months ago to the camera I asked for 2 months ago. Shampoo with almost nothing in it. Sunscreen I used once when we kayaked. Rogue bobby pins and hair ties. A grimy bath pouf. Things that could've been tossed in the garbage, things that were meaningless, things that comprised everything that was left of me in that duplex in northeast Texas - here they were, in this box.
The camera was the only thing I wanted, the rest I told him just to trash. Yet, he chose to send everything back in this one box. That's who I was in that relationship, this box. This box of junk.
But, that's not true, is it? I was more than that box, even though the little reminders of me were in it. And I learned a lot from E-Mail Man, even if I don't want to admit it. I never thought of myself as outdoorsy or adventurous until this relationship. I wasn't good at compromise or telling someone that I appreciated them until him. There are so many things I gained from dating him and the fact that he ended it brusquely doesn't change that.
Thinking about it this morning, maybe he wanted to get all of that out of his house because these things were signs of me. Maybe it's just as hard on him. Maybe he learned things from me. Maybe he thought if he packed and sent all my stuff in a box, he was packing the memories too.
Endings beget beginnings. Getting my stuff back was the true end, so now, in theory, the real beginning can happen.
~j
Everything I ever had at his house was in this box, from my junk tennis shoes I asked him to throw out 7 months ago to the camera I asked for 2 months ago. Shampoo with almost nothing in it. Sunscreen I used once when we kayaked. Rogue bobby pins and hair ties. A grimy bath pouf. Things that could've been tossed in the garbage, things that were meaningless, things that comprised everything that was left of me in that duplex in northeast Texas - here they were, in this box.
The camera was the only thing I wanted, the rest I told him just to trash. Yet, he chose to send everything back in this one box. That's who I was in that relationship, this box. This box of junk.
But, that's not true, is it? I was more than that box, even though the little reminders of me were in it. And I learned a lot from E-Mail Man, even if I don't want to admit it. I never thought of myself as outdoorsy or adventurous until this relationship. I wasn't good at compromise or telling someone that I appreciated them until him. There are so many things I gained from dating him and the fact that he ended it brusquely doesn't change that.
Thinking about it this morning, maybe he wanted to get all of that out of his house because these things were signs of me. Maybe it's just as hard on him. Maybe he learned things from me. Maybe he thought if he packed and sent all my stuff in a box, he was packing the memories too.
Endings beget beginnings. Getting my stuff back was the true end, so now, in theory, the real beginning can happen.
~j
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Lowered Expectations
I heard someone say once, "Don't anticipate, participate." I've always thought that was a pretty great mantra to live by, because it prevents you from stressing out about how you think things should go. If you spend all your time thinking about the way it should go and whatever it is doesn't follow that script, you become disappointed and that leads you to having a bummer time. Who wants that? Just take things as they come, don't expect a certain ending and have a good time! Don't expect an ending.
Except, in dating, you should have expectations. I'm not talking about "he's gotta have an important job/nice car/gone to an ivy league" requirements either. You should expect that he's going to be nice, going to treat you well, going to make you important. When did these expectations get lost? Why are we tossing what we think we deserve to the side?
I tend to expect less these days. I take what guys I'm dating can give me and that's it. I don't expect anything more for them, which really means I somehow don't think I deserve more. Whoa, I totally just had an Oprah "A-ha" moment. In reality, it isn't too much to ask for someone you're dating to be involved and engaged or to be around. My wacky brain, however, thinks that is putting too much pressure on the relationship and that I should just take what I can get, whatever time they have for me. What an awful way of thinking.
I hate the word "settling." Despise it really, but sometimes we do settle for fear of being all alone. Being alone, in a word, sucks. Even if you have thousands of friends, there still isn't someone to come home to, someone to share your whole life with and that's scary. You shouldn't settle for a person who doesn't value you or doesn't make an effort. (BUT!, just because the guy you're dating isn't going to make 6 figures doesn't mean you are settling. If he's kind, cares about you and wants to do right by you, who gives a flying flip that you're not going to live in a super swanky neighborhood or drive a luxury SUV?)
Having expectations for a person you are dating to be generous with their time (within reason) or to simply want to be around you isn't a bad thing. There's isn't a reason that you shouldn't think that way. Everyone deserves someone that makes them a priority, not just another thing to cross off their list.
~j
Except, in dating, you should have expectations. I'm not talking about "he's gotta have an important job/nice car/gone to an ivy league" requirements either. You should expect that he's going to be nice, going to treat you well, going to make you important. When did these expectations get lost? Why are we tossing what we think we deserve to the side?
I tend to expect less these days. I take what guys I'm dating can give me and that's it. I don't expect anything more for them, which really means I somehow don't think I deserve more. Whoa, I totally just had an Oprah "A-ha" moment. In reality, it isn't too much to ask for someone you're dating to be involved and engaged or to be around. My wacky brain, however, thinks that is putting too much pressure on the relationship and that I should just take what I can get, whatever time they have for me. What an awful way of thinking.
I hate the word "settling." Despise it really, but sometimes we do settle for fear of being all alone. Being alone, in a word, sucks. Even if you have thousands of friends, there still isn't someone to come home to, someone to share your whole life with and that's scary. You shouldn't settle for a person who doesn't value you or doesn't make an effort. (BUT!, just because the guy you're dating isn't going to make 6 figures doesn't mean you are settling. If he's kind, cares about you and wants to do right by you, who gives a flying flip that you're not going to live in a super swanky neighborhood or drive a luxury SUV?)
Having expectations for a person you are dating to be generous with their time (within reason) or to simply want to be around you isn't a bad thing. There's isn't a reason that you shouldn't think that way. Everyone deserves someone that makes them a priority, not just another thing to cross off their list.
~j
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Blog is About You (But This Time It Is)
Some guys are pushy. I am not a big fan of pushy people, but I really can't stand guys who are overly forceful. I'm totally okay with someone being a little, teensy bit forward and showing their interest, that's completely understandable. I don't, however, enjoy when a guy gets insistent about being affectionate, becomes forceful about moving quickly or gets sensitive when I say something innocuous. I had a recent experience with someone like this - we'll call him Tweetenstein.
Basically, everything started out decently. We chatted a little through emails one day and when he asked for my number the same day, I didn't think twice about it. I thought he was just interested (and let's be honest, who wouldn't be?) and went for it. I was actually kind of impressed. I'm so chicken about being the one doing the chasing anyway and he was doing all the work. Cut to late that night; I'm in bed, ready to head off to dream land and he tries to Facetime with me. I decline, saying I'm all set to go to sleep and a few minutes later he tries again. Persistent, I thought, not a terrible quality.
The next day, Tweetenstein was blowing up my phone with texts, followed me on Twitter and asked me to hang out that night. I couldn't because I was going to a baseball game*, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to anyway. He was getting a little defensive when I said certain things and didn't really get my kidding nature. I'd been there before, with someone who doesn't get my goofy side, and wasn't really looking to go back. I agreed to go to lunch the next day. A lunch that he showed up late for and left 20 minutes into because he had somewhere to go. I decided not to hold that against him, but then the weirdness started.
He started to ask me if I didn't feel a spark at lunch. He told me I wasn't being authentic because I didn't want to talk about intimate things. He kept asking if I was interested. Whoa. This was too much. I literally just met you and here you are, trying to act like I need to make a decision about you RIGHT NOW. Slow down bro, we'll get there. I told him to pump the brakes, that I felt pushed and didn't really hear from him after that, which I was totally okay with.
Then I wrote a blog piece that was clearly not "about" anyone and yet he asked if it was about him. What? Uh, nah. I don't know you, not really anyway. A few days later, he commented on how cute one of my friends was (Sidenote: She is freaking adorable, but come on guy, really?) and I was gobsmacked. Where was this kid's brain?
I've heard stories about girls who try to push guys into relationships and it rarely works. In the beginning each person is getting to know the other and there shouldn't be a time limit on that. I never really knew this guy and he was trying to get me to "be myself." Dude, this is me. I take my time. No one is ever comfortable right away, you build to that.
The great thing about this, though, is that I stood up for myself. I was honest and told him I needed him to back up. Yay on that.
~j
*Someone seriously needs to invite me to a baseball game. I love baseball. I'm a fun time. Someone I know has free tickets. At the very least, agree to go with me on a Tuesday.
Basically, everything started out decently. We chatted a little through emails one day and when he asked for my number the same day, I didn't think twice about it. I thought he was just interested (and let's be honest, who wouldn't be?) and went for it. I was actually kind of impressed. I'm so chicken about being the one doing the chasing anyway and he was doing all the work. Cut to late that night; I'm in bed, ready to head off to dream land and he tries to Facetime with me. I decline, saying I'm all set to go to sleep and a few minutes later he tries again. Persistent, I thought, not a terrible quality.
The next day, Tweetenstein was blowing up my phone with texts, followed me on Twitter and asked me to hang out that night. I couldn't because I was going to a baseball game*, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to anyway. He was getting a little defensive when I said certain things and didn't really get my kidding nature. I'd been there before, with someone who doesn't get my goofy side, and wasn't really looking to go back. I agreed to go to lunch the next day. A lunch that he showed up late for and left 20 minutes into because he had somewhere to go. I decided not to hold that against him, but then the weirdness started.
He started to ask me if I didn't feel a spark at lunch. He told me I wasn't being authentic because I didn't want to talk about intimate things. He kept asking if I was interested. Whoa. This was too much. I literally just met you and here you are, trying to act like I need to make a decision about you RIGHT NOW. Slow down bro, we'll get there. I told him to pump the brakes, that I felt pushed and didn't really hear from him after that, which I was totally okay with.
Then I wrote a blog piece that was clearly not "about" anyone and yet he asked if it was about him. What? Uh, nah. I don't know you, not really anyway. A few days later, he commented on how cute one of my friends was (Sidenote: She is freaking adorable, but come on guy, really?) and I was gobsmacked. Where was this kid's brain?
I've heard stories about girls who try to push guys into relationships and it rarely works. In the beginning each person is getting to know the other and there shouldn't be a time limit on that. I never really knew this guy and he was trying to get me to "be myself." Dude, this is me. I take my time. No one is ever comfortable right away, you build to that.
The great thing about this, though, is that I stood up for myself. I was honest and told him I needed him to back up. Yay on that.
~j
*Someone seriously needs to invite me to a baseball game. I love baseball. I'm a fun time. Someone I know has free tickets. At the very least, agree to go with me on a Tuesday.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Theories on Why I Don't Get Asked on Dates
(Ed's Note: I have gotten asked out occasionally, so please do not feel that sorry for me. I am not a cat lady...yet.)
I would like to think that I'm a pretty pleasant person, for the most part. I smile, tip decently, talk to strangers (the non-creepy ones, obvs), can be charming and am generally upbeat. If I like a guy and he seems interested, and he says something like, "Going to [insert hipstery locale/artsy event/baseball game here] is lots of fun," I respond with, "Oh, yeah, that does sound like fun!" And I wait....and wait...and wait, but the invitation never comes. Huh. Dating - I'm not doing it right.
So, what am I doing wrong here? I am agreeable to an outing and all signs point to this person being interested romantically, yet nothing happens.
Contemplating my dateless lead to going through all the phases of fixation:
1. Denying there is a problem
2. Blaming him because he's a boy and, therefore, a dumdum
3. Could it be me? Was I too over-eager? Was I not eager enough?
4. I hate the word eager; it just sounds questionable
5. It's definitely me
6. Should I just ask him to do something? Is that emasculating or feminist?
7. *Heartburn*
8. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
9. *Diet Pepsi coma/Real Housewives marathon*
I was delving into the abyss of self-loathing when a miraculous thing happened.
Another single lady I know told me she was having the same problem, in fact, many of her friends were. Aha! I'm not alone! I heard stories of women having intense phone conversations, emails, texts and/or Facebook friendships in which a date never materialized. I know what you're thinking, "maybe that guy just wasn't that into you*." Rest assured in many of these instances that was not the case. Some of these guys who had been pursuing us had been pretty vocal about their intentions and still didn't ask us out. How is this possible?
I've come to the conclusion that I'm not as obvious as I think I am. I don't want to play all fast and loose (duh), but putting a little emphasis on wanting to see someone won't kill me. I need to be more vocal about my attraction to the potential date, without being too, how do I say this delicately?, sluttastic. Maybe this will give the suitor that little extra confidence he needs to ask me to dinner!
If that's not the reason I'm not getting asked on dates, there are a few alternate ideas I have come up with:
A. I am so overwhelmingly beautiful that dudes are too scared to ask (Probability: 1 in 10,000)
B. I smell like a Deadliest Catch cast member (Typical Probability: 1 in 250,000, Probability after a run: 1 in 25)
C. Every man I meet is gay. (Probability: 1 in 3,000)
D. I could just come off as a mega jerk and guys don't want to ask because they're afraid they'll hear some sarcastic comment and then get blown off. (Probability: 1 in 10)
E. Who knows? Men are complicated creatures and I will never know why they do what they do, even if I get blessed with a son. (Probability: 1 in 2)
~J
I would like to think that I'm a pretty pleasant person, for the most part. I smile, tip decently, talk to strangers (the non-creepy ones, obvs), can be charming and am generally upbeat. If I like a guy and he seems interested, and he says something like, "Going to [insert hipstery locale/artsy event/baseball game here] is lots of fun," I respond with, "Oh, yeah, that does sound like fun!" And I wait....and wait...and wait, but the invitation never comes. Huh. Dating - I'm not doing it right.
So, what am I doing wrong here? I am agreeable to an outing and all signs point to this person being interested romantically, yet nothing happens.
Contemplating my dateless lead to going through all the phases of fixation:
1. Denying there is a problem
2. Blaming him because he's a boy and, therefore, a dumdum
3. Could it be me? Was I too over-eager? Was I not eager enough?
4. I hate the word eager; it just sounds questionable
5. It's definitely me
6. Should I just ask him to do something? Is that emasculating or feminist?
7. *Heartburn*
8. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
9. *Diet Pepsi coma/Real Housewives marathon*
I was delving into the abyss of self-loathing when a miraculous thing happened.
Another single lady I know told me she was having the same problem, in fact, many of her friends were. Aha! I'm not alone! I heard stories of women having intense phone conversations, emails, texts and/or Facebook friendships in which a date never materialized. I know what you're thinking, "maybe that guy just wasn't that into you*." Rest assured in many of these instances that was not the case. Some of these guys who had been pursuing us had been pretty vocal about their intentions and still didn't ask us out. How is this possible?
I've come to the conclusion that I'm not as obvious as I think I am. I don't want to play all fast and loose (duh), but putting a little emphasis on wanting to see someone won't kill me. I need to be more vocal about my attraction to the potential date, without being too, how do I say this delicately?, sluttastic. Maybe this will give the suitor that little extra confidence he needs to ask me to dinner!
If that's not the reason I'm not getting asked on dates, there are a few alternate ideas I have come up with:
A. I am so overwhelmingly beautiful that dudes are too scared to ask (Probability: 1 in 10,000)
B. I smell like a Deadliest Catch cast member (Typical Probability: 1 in 250,000, Probability after a run: 1 in 25)
C. Every man I meet is gay. (Probability: 1 in 3,000)
D. I could just come off as a mega jerk and guys don't want to ask because they're afraid they'll hear some sarcastic comment and then get blown off. (Probability: 1 in 10)
E. Who knows? Men are complicated creatures and I will never know why they do what they do, even if I get blessed with a son. (Probability: 1 in 2)
~J
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