You're Not Who I Thought You Were

Like many other single neurotic women my age, reflecting on past relationships is one of my  favorite pastimes.  It's our baseball.  I go over critical moments and try to break them down to figure out what went wrong, piece by piece.  Maybe I was wrong to be so stubborn.  Could I have been more understanding?  Was it the fact that he was a complete and total jerkface?

I always end up coming back to the fact that it didn't work out because the person wasn't who I thought they were and, therefore, we weren't going to work.  Maybe we weren't as similar as I thought we were or they actually hated my horrendous laugh instead of feeling it was endearing or they like Kirsten Dunst movies and our relationship wasn't strong enough to overcome that.  That's the point of dating - to figure out of this is the person for you.  (Let me tell you, if you listen to Nickleback or aren't supportive of my Diet Pepsi addiction, we have no staying power, no matter how awesome you may appear to be.)

We didn't last because they were different than I thought they were going to be.  They aren't what I thought they were.

But really, how true is that?  I've never dated anyone who downplayed their faults, so where is the disconnect?   

In talking to one of my best friends, I came across the idea that maybe the problem comes from trying to be understanding.  You build a connection with someone and grow to care for them, so the first time that you see them be a little rude to someone or commit some other minor infraction, you overlook it as long as it isn't a major dealbreaker.  You spend more time with them, start to love them and then when you see something else that make you think, "Hmmm...I'm not sure about that," but you overlook that too, because you are in love.

Then you overlook the next thing and the next and the next, then when a HUGE problem comes along, a giant RED FLAG (*Warning! Warning! Danger ahead!*), you're so deep into the relationship you let it go because you're enmeshed.  You overlooked one issue, so what is one more?  You don't want to lose this person because you've grown attached to them, even though you can see it isn't going to end well.  They aren't the person for you, but you aren't ready to hear that yet. 

It isn't that they've changed, it's that you let so many things you have a problem with slide.  Instead of guarding and protecting your heart (Copyright: Crazy Kasey Kahl), you jumped in and forgave things you wouldn't have otherwise because your feelings were so involved.

I'm not saying that forgiving some faults is bad, in fact, it's crucial.  What I am saying is that if someone you are dating does something that is an affront to you, it's okay to end it.  It's okay to be careful.  It's okay to fast-forward a little bit and realize that you're boyfriend's habit of not texting back, inability to say thank you or refusal to tip more than 8% will be a problem you just can't get over.  It's okay to see that the person you love right now isn't necessarily the person that you're going to marry.

It's okay to end a dating relationship if you want.  Don't be scared about it; if that person isn't for you that's not going to change because you overlook one thing or forgive another.  It's just not.  Keep looking - instead of staying with a person who annoys you, look for the person whose annoying tendencies are just a part of their charm.  They're out there.

~j