Always Wear Lipstick: Advice From Grandmothers

Both of my grandmothers are insane.  I mean this is a good way, because I think that's where I've inherited my nutty tendencies which make me charming and delightful. (I can hear you scoffing, just keep it to yourselves.)  I've gotten some sage advice from both of them like, "Work for the city or the government" - Grandma in Georgia, or "Don't forget to wash your underwear in hot water." - Abuelita, aka Burrito.  Pretty insightful stuff, yes?  I think so.

However, these women and other grandmotherly-types have given me some odd dating tips.  Here are a few of my favorites that I have compiled for your reading pleasure:

• Always carry lipstick. Always wear it too.  And, if you're feeling spicy, rub some on your cheeks for blush because "it makes you look like a cherub and you need all the help you can get."
• Don't shave your legs before a first date.  Having freshly shaved legs on a first date makes you look loose.  If you have hairy leg problems, wear stockings.
• Too much makeup makes you look like a jezebel.  Too little makes you look lazy.
• Do not drink beer from a bottle under any circumstances.  It makes you look butch.
• In fact, don't drink beer at all.  It gives you the burps, which is also butch.
• Carry Gas-X with you at all times.  If you have to pass gas and you can't excuse yourself, drop something on the floor and stop to pick it up, then quickly walk away.
• Never eat everything on your plate.  If you need to fill your empty leg, eat a meal before your meal and then you can say "Gosh, I'm SO FULL!" during 2nd lunch/dinner without lying.
• Avoid knowing how to do anything "manly" or being more knowledgeable about sports than he is.  If you know how to change a tire/oil or the ERA of every closer, keep it to yourself, for Pete's sake.  (Addendum: Keep it a secret, at least until you get married.)
• Also, if you play video games, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER admit that.  You are trying to "catch a husband, not a shooting game partner."
• You do not poop.  You do not fart or even "get the vapors."  You do not burp.  You are a delicate flower and you do not heed the call of nature. 
• Never call first.  If he calls, you end the conversation as soon as you can because you are doing something incredibly interesting, even if you are just catching up on Downton Abbey.
• DO NOT laugh your regular laugh with him until you are a couple.  You may giggle, but you shouldn't ever guffaw, snort or boisterously laugh like you normally do.  EVER. 

In short, I should not be myself for at least 3 months.

Happy Thursday!
~j